Escalation, sexuality and gender confusion

Ok so I’m dealing with some serious distress right now, it’s hard to even think about anything else. I believe (hope to God) that my issues stem from heavy porn use.

My story MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

So I was exposed to porn extremely young (7 years old). I would simply look at it and would get a pleasurable feeling in my genitals until around 12, which is when I began PMO. It started out with heterosexual porn, my whole life I identified as a heterosexual. In fact I specifically remember crushing on girls and wanting to kiss them for as long as I can remember.

In 8th grade however, I believe I began to develop my earliest signs of P escalation. I remember looking at P on my phone In school and couldn’t wait to get home to PMO, sometimes I couldn’t wait and would do it In the bathroom. One day in school I became overly aware of a male classmates butt and I believe I mistook it for attraction. This freaked me out and I quickly went home and PMO to Herero videos to assure myself I wasn’t gay. Then I would watch a gay porn video but could never bring myself to O. My worry subsided a little, however after a particularly heavy day of PMO I realized I wasn’t getting erect for women in P. This brought back my worry and I believed I was homosexual. I couldn’t eat or sleep for months until these thoughts subsided.

Fast forward a few years. All the way through highschool I fell in love and crushed on girls all the time, and I constantly wanted to go out drinking with my buddies and meet girls. When I gained the confidence I quickly became a “player” due to my intense attraction towards women and I explicitly remember making out with multiple girls a night. I even got extremely excited when I found out girls liked me or thought I was attractive. I was kind of arrogant and full of myself and really loved the way I looked. My highschool years were amazing and I never once questioned my sexuality. In my senior year I even landed the first love of my life, she was a beautiful girl and I constantly Fantasized about Marrying her/having babies etc.

Fast forward another few years and in my freshmen year of college I began to isolate myself because my friends went away to College. I spent most of my time with my girlfriend, PMO, or smoking weed. This brought out many insecurities in me. One day while PMO I came across a cuckold video. I became EXTREMELY aroused and I became obsessed with the arousal that followed. I kept going with this newfound arousal and even brought it up to my GF. She was apprehensive at first but was eager to explore it and we eventually began practicing cuckolding. She had sex with other men and would tell me about it and I would MO. After the encounters I would feel extremely disgusted with myself because it simply didn’t match who I was deep down. I attempted many times to curb the obsession however it would always come back. This eventually led to the demise of my relationship with this girl whom I loved.

I was in severe mental anguish over this for months and my PMO habits continued. During this time the intrusive homosexual thoughts came back with a vengeance and I began viewing forced homosexual/cuckold/trans/sissy videos. I was always disgusted with myself after I O when I would do this and attempted nofap many times but failed. Recently I Finally I had enough with this inner struggle and went on my longest streak (30 days). I felt so at peace with myself and felt the best I have since my relationship ended. I began to take my religion seriously and did a lot of reading and I was very productive. After 30 days I fell right back in the hole and this time it’s worse. For the past week I’ve been having this fantasy where I am I woman and wear women’s clothing. The fact that this arouses me has had me obsessing over the feeling for weeks. I’m constantly checking to see if I would enjoy being a woman and have had an immense fear that I have somehow been transgender my whole life. I think I know deep down I’m mentally ill and subverted from years of porn abuse but the worry is still there. My brain is tricking me into thinking I want female sex characteristics, and making me think that I want to look like the women I would previously be attracted to. I hate this feeling and I’ve been searching through the forums for similar experiences and have found some however I’m still searching for reassurance. When I see answers like “you could be trans” or “it could be late onset gender dysphoria” I become sexually aroused but I feel like I’m further from myself then I’ve ever been and it makes me terrified. Another problem is I don’t necessarily “feel disgusted” or physically anxious about these thoughts anymore, which worries me and furthers the obsessive thoughts. Maybe I’m emotionally numb and completely fucked from this relapse or what? Is this some sick P induced fetish? Or what the fuck is going on?

sorry for the long post I feel like it all necessary.

 

Writing this post and rereading it helped me realize that given my history and previous love and attraction for women, my fears are likely irrational and OCD based. I’ve had other obsessions before such as health obsessions (convincing myself I have cancer, HIV etc.) I’m not diagnosed with OCD but I believe I should be. Anyone else with OCD experience anything similar?

 

I had the fear that I was a homosexual as well. Only recently have I been terrified that I was somehow transgender all along. None of it makes sense. I have fallen deeply in love with women and had masculine interests my whole life.

 

Just an update on this. I went on another streak although it didn’t last very long but I notice when I’m away from porn these thoughts occur less and bother me way less. Unfortunately I’m in a very bad relapse right now but I’ll get there. I know it.

 

I’m starting another streak today but these thoughts are so fucking convincing sometimes. I look back at my history for anything that might be a sign that I’m gay or a woman or whatever and I remember being dressed like a girl and having my nails painted by my older girl cousins. From what I remember though I didn’t really have any sexual feelings towards this because I was prepubescent. And this never really came up again. I have never had this “urge” to look or be a woman until this year, and it followed a serious bout of HOCD which I think porn also caused in me. I dont know I’m having a serious fucking identity crisis right now.

 

You dealt with these unnatural feelings of arousal and doubt? They’re fucking me up man, how the fuck could I go my whole prepubescent and pubescent years being completely comfortable being a guy and falling in love with women to this.