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Anyone Else Feel Less Attractive Than They Objectively Are?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Skeptic68w, May 19, 2020.

  1. Skeptic68w

    Skeptic68w New Fapstronaut

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    29 year old male here with kind of a weird question, but I'm hoping others have experienced a similar thing and have found solutions. I haven't found much of anything online about this. I know my situation isn't nearly as bad as some of you fellas on here, so just know that I empathize with you, and I'm not trying to compare my problems to yours.

    What I am experiencing is a stark divide between how attractive I FEEL, and how attractive I actually am. To use an overly simplistic view (for the sake of easy explanation), I have always felt like maybe a 4 or a 5, when in reality I'm objectively like a 7 or 8, maybe even a 9 to the right woman. However, whenever I see a woman that I actually find attractive, I am convinced that she would not be interested in me, and if I want to find a partner, I need to lower my standards substantially. Of course this is an awful thing to do. It's not even fair to the woman to date someone you're not attracted to. They deserve to feel loved and desired, and that's not something you can, or should fake.

    My internal feelings and confidence run contrary to reality. I FEEL like I have some unknown shortcoming that makes me unattractive to women, but in reality, before I became a Christian a few years ago, I had sexual relations with quite a few women, and even had multi-year relationships with 3 of them, 2 of which were very highly attractive.

    Scientifically speaking I am experiencing a couple of what Dr. David Burns calls "Cognitive distortions". Specifically, 1. Disqualifying the positive (I make up internal excuses to explain why those women were attracted to me but it was actually a fluke). 2. Personalization (If I ask out a woman and she says she can't because she is seeing someone, I take it as evidence of my lack of value, despite this being illogical). 3. Mental Filter (I filter out positive experiences and times when attractive women express interest in me, and focus on times they reject me). There are more of these that I unwillingly express as well.


    The real trouble is that these cognitive distortions have begun to harm my confidence, and that bleeds through into my interactions with women. While I should go into an interaction assuming the best, I start off assuming the worst. I essentially reject myself before I even talk to them anymore. This has put a real hamper on my search for a wife, and has sapped my hope of that dream ever materializing (I've wanted to be a husband and father for as long as I remember).


    Anyway, has anyone else been in this boat? Did you find strategies that were effective? Thanks in advance.

    Warmest regards.
     
  2. Mistersofty

    Mistersofty Fapstronaut

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    I think most people do to a certain extent. It’s just human nature to be more critical of ourselves than others.
     
    angelpart likes this.
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    It is simply called low self esteem.
    2 years ago because of some health issues i was so low in self esteem that i was so shocked when woman's showed interest in me. But after a few dates they figure that out and didn't want to hang with me anymore.
    Today after hard work on improving myself, my self steem is up again. like i always have and that's when womans really what to spend more time with me. they are attracted to a confident man with a healty self steem.
    I dated a girl that was out of my league a few years ago but, after a few dates, it was clear the she had really low self steem and it was a really turn off.
     
    melville likes this.
  4. I don't agree with the premise that objective attractiveness exists.
     
  5. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    I deal with this. My wife is always telling me how her friends think I'm hot, unfortunately all of her friends are north of 50 yrs old and half of them are lesbians. If I were getting looks and come-ons from 22 year old hotties it would mean a lot more. Even though I'm married I still work my ass off to stay in good shape, I'm tall enough for most women (6'), I dress well, and neither my face nor my body look as old as I actually am (though I do have grey hair which probably turns off any woman under 40).

    I've also realized with the whole world now on Zoom that I really don't look good on video at all... much worse than in still pics. So if I had to jump into the video dating world right now I'd be in trouble.

    Yes it would be nice to know I can catch the attention of hot young women who could have anyone, but that's my own validation issue I need to work through and since I'm married the point is moot anyway.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2020

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