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Destroying my life with sissy fantasies

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Invictus 17, Mar 1, 2017.

  1. Invictus 17

    Invictus 17 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone...
    I literally just made an account here, its my first time so not sure if this is the right way to do this, or what exactly to say, but I'm completely desperate so i figure its worth a shot.
    I know this is like I'm telling my life story, but I kinda am trying to be brief... I'm literally pouring my heart out to a bunch of online strangers:/ . Like many of you I have a seriously fucked up childhood; Drugs, death, sexual abuse, schitzophrenia, you name it, I encountered it in my immediate family. I somehow made it through highschool, and things settled down alot, and got accepted into a university for Psychology (the irony of my major is not lost on me). I know that none of this is strictly related, but I feel its important to mention due to my obvious low self-esteem and self-worth, but also how incredibly lucky and fortunate i am to be able to be a university right now, considering the odds.

    I had a number of girlfriends through high school that I loved, and I always considered myself straight. However after one brutal breakup in highschool that really messed me up, I became addicted to cannabis, and somehow (I still barely remember how), through months of porn addicted started Camwhoring.... I'm so ashamed. I know I did it for some pitiful form of attention, any attention, but i started developing a serious degradation and humilation fetish that seemed to grow the more I fed it. It's strange, because with women I was always dominant. Obviously most of the people that viewed my cam were men, and I naturally attracted the meanest and most dominate men online (keep in mind i was underaged when i did this). I became a slave to many men on skype that would degrade me, doing things weeks prior I would have never in my wildest nightmares thought myself doing, every week going further and further. Eventually I met a man in real life, and i hated it, deleted all my accounts and vowed never to do it again. Somehow, over months and months I would relapse, and always worse than before. I made nude tumblr blogs for "owners", and got as deep as i could get. I met pure evil, pedophiles, rapists... And in my stoned, teenage lost depressed state I let them use me.

    However, during that period, I was still attracted to women, and doing pretty well in terms of one night stands. Flash forward a few years, I quit weed, but the porn addiction got worse. Eventually I downloaded Grindr and it's been snowballing badly since. I have men determained to "sissify" me, and I think its working... Watching brainwashing videos, verbal abuse etc. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I've literally whored myself out to men on grindr, not for the money, but for the degradation. I never ever enjoy it, I never even get hard, or attracted to men in the slightest. I'm on the verge of being dressed up like a girl and being a prostitute.

    Until recently, I had deluded myself into thinking this was a private battle, and i was too ashamed to tell my psychologist or any friends. I feel like this is obviously out of control... I know its hard to believe, but in many other aspects of my life, I pride myself in being very resilient, and tenacious. I'm still at uni, and have recently gotten a new job... But i feel like my life is on the cusp of being ruined forever. I'm not even sure if i regain the man I once was anymore, or if i deserve too. I feel like I've let myself down, my family down, everyone. I honestly doubt anyone will even read this in its entirety, and this is obvious an issue for a experienced mental health professional... But like I said, I'm beyond desperate. I found this page by typing into google "I dont want to be a sissy", crying, listening to "hurt".
    This is very pathetic, but also I guess a little cathartic. I left ALOT out obviously, but I already wrote for too long... Any form of advice, criticism, feedback or comment in general would be much appreciated.

    "Gods gonna cut you down..."
     
  2. Fap5tr0naut

    Fap5tr0naut Fapstronaut

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    Dude hang in there, the fact that you're even here means you've still got fight left in you. Acknowledging these issuse is a huge step and I think it signifies great strength. As far as the 'God's gonna cut you down' reference, I totally understand your pain but the good news is God doesn't work like that. I can't speak on behalf of the whole community though so as far as belief systems the rest of this response comes strictly from a position of personal conviction.
    He is a truly good and loving Father, and His heart goes out to the lost and broken. There is nothing we could ever do or say that would change that fact. However He does give us free will to go our own way. He will never force someone to come to Him in some overbearing or dominating way, because that would make His love conditional and contingent upon a forceful submission. He does want us to surrender, but His plan for your life is one of healing and reconciliation not perpetual abuse and darkness. He longs for us to come to Him, but only if that is a choice we have made of our own free will. God is love and light. He came to earth and became man to suffer death and rise again in victory. His name is Jesus. He wants you to bring all your pain to Him so he can lift it off your shoulders once and for all. I know this because I was once in a place of deep despair too and He did this for me, for which I am eternally grateful. I owe it all to the one true and living God and His only begotten Son.

    If I can be of any help or encouragement feel free to dm
    I'all pray for you bro. Never give up hope, just place it in His hands.
     
    ensour11 likes this.
  3. good morning... well it's morning here in Alabama anyway, relapsed last night after about a hundred days. Viciously as always seems that's how it goes, me physically attacking me, your post is a parallel of my struggle, forced transvestite porn via smart phone and smoking crack *yeah i dress too varying degrees* thing is i have the best girlfriend imaginable who came into my life once i stopped acting out, great company, very attractive and loving, really good sex too. There is the 1st issue that derailed me, diagnosed severe bipolar a year ago and prescribed fairly strong meds well after a failed attempt to have sex for the 1st time barely a month ago i realized the Rx had destroyed my sex drive and made me impotent so i decided to stop taking them *no i didn't contact the doctor beyond his suggestion of ciallis etc* i want a normal life and am tired of pills giving me one thing but taking others away. Okay so 3 weeks in and recently was able to perform and enjoy the the intimacy complete and properly... THEN the bipolar reactivated with a vengeance, yesterday for no perceivable reason i acted out throught out the night 200 dollars worth of crack revisiting all the 'old favorites' sites working myself up into an unbelievable frenzy... daybreak wow have to go to work, my genitals are sore, head is pounding... and i'm back on NOFAP, glad i found your post straight away because of the similarities remind me that this isn't that uncommon phenomenon
    *ahem* soes now i'm back on day one for the bazillionth time, i'm not sure what my next move is... probably some personal life damage control 1st she'd called last night then again this morning, said 'i sounded odd' yup odd indeed... not going to discuss specifics with her, but somehow an amends has to be made
    my friend there are so many details i left out there's one that has to be shared
    i am afraid
    of course these battles can only be won one day at a time, like at the sobriety meetings i attend, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP, IT'LL JUST LEAD YOU BACK...
    welp gotta get back to work and i couldn't feel worse
     
  4. TheRecovery

    TheRecovery Fapstronaut

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    You're not alone brother, I myself am suffering from the scourge of the sissy fetish and know all too well how powerful it is. I also know how isolating it is and how ashamed and bad we feel after we masturbate to these fantasies etc. I think just trying to bury the fantasy doesn't work and instead we need to be kinder to ourselves and find a more compassionate resolution.
     
    chiyu likes this.
  5. ...honestly was watching an online documentary about 'cutters', 'self harmers' and where they develop an addiction to the adrenaline, oxitonines release by the brain while in distress and realized my symptoms were somewhat similar, like mentioned by Invictus for the most part i've had fairly normal romantic relationships with women through out my life (?) it's almost like tho there's sexual aspects to the behavior cycle, it really has NOTHING to do with sex (?)
     
  6. billefetter

    billefetter New Fapstronaut

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    Goodmorning from the netherlands, I my self don't have this problem, but me and a buddy of mine think our best friend has a 'sissy' if that's how you call it problem. And I'm in kinda need of some help. To explain we thought he was just doing drugs and found gay porn on his phone like 4 years ago, we joked about it and it never came back up. But now the drugs and isolation is getting worse, my buddy one day enters his home when he was in the store and wanted to put some music on the playstation. When he found a shit load of 'sissy porn ' ? And gay porn again and this is just weeks ago. His girlfriend left him because he hit her a few times doing drugs, and that was 3 weeks ago. But right now he's of the hook. Ripping apart his house his moms house doing drugs, won't open the door any more and smasing everything into pieces even the cops were there yesterday and the day before. It's so bad I don't even sleep at night thinking about him being so miserable. He doesn't know I and my buddy know this about sissy, but his ex says, she found pictures of him in her cloths en underwere send to other man.

    I need help how to talk to him, how can I help him? What do I need to do.

    We think he stays inside cause he's afraid his ex will tell everyone about the gay porn sissy pic stuff.
     
  7. OMG, that is the absolute worst song to listen to if you are depressed! I did that once, it made me a dozen times more depressed!

    Yes, stay away from sissy-hypno or whatever has you doing this - this is the porn, not you.
     
  8. My opinion is that alot of this fetish has to do with disassociating yourself from an otherwise painful situation. Of course all P is escapism in some way, but this particular variant is much more powerful as it actually encourages an alternate identity. In the moment of a PMO binge this might feel good, even a kind of relief if you're in alot of pain, but the problem is that afterwords it can create all kinds of doubts and worries about who you really are and what your orientation really is. Actual hypnotic manipulation can really enhance this to really self-destructive levels. Basically I think this stuff works alot like any potent street drug, with all its temporary highs and disasterous lows - it's just that modern society has not caught on yet to it that our own brains can manufacture something so intense and also harmful.

    I've been in alot of pain the last few years and found this stuff as an escape myself, and all I can tell you is it ends up creating alot more stress and problems than it might distract you from in the beginning. I just went 30 days PMO-free but it was this addictive junk that tempted me to break my streak. It's powerful stuff, not to be played with lightly, any more than any hardcore addictive drug, and I believe it takes a long time to recover from. So best get started as soon as possible.
     
  9. lordofweed

    lordofweed Fapstronaut

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  10. SisterSylveon

    SisterSylveon Fapstronaut

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    I believe you can receive positive change from the emptiness of lustery as long as you welcome it.

    So-called "male domination fantasy" and "sissy dude degradation" encroaches on sin against womanity. It hurts innocent women to be painted out like a punching bag of fetishery.

    You say, "I get thoughts of dancing around like a worthless sissy prostitute," and all I can think about is how negative some people are, blinded by sin and controlled by the daevil.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
  11. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    So what happened in the end? Did you come out of it? I haven't gone deep, but I am half way into it.
     
  12. SlickWillyWilkenson

    SlickWillyWilkenson New Fapstronaut

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    Don’t go any further. Speaking from experience, it is a bottomless pit. Decay finds you before you find the end, unless you manage to come away from it. Over time, it will rewire your neurological pathways and, the farther you go into it, the more work/time it will require to heal. It’s like the character in Greek mythology whose curse is that he grows hungrier with every bite he takes. Stop now, while you’re only half way down the rabbit hole. It will leave you in a cold, dark, and empty place. It will strip you of your identity and offer nothing in place of it, just leaving you an odd fitting shell to be anxious in. It’s not as much of a matter as IF it will destroy you; it will mess with your soul, no disputing that. The question is how much will you let it take from you before you reclaim your autonomy and prove it powerless over you. Take off the leash and come into the light, it’s much nicer over here.
     
    Mr.Anderson and ankith like this.
  13. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Hey dude, thanks for the reply. Actually to be honest, I was never the type who is into crossdressing stuff. I hate crossdressing because the clothes are freaking uncomfortable. I am actually more into bdsm. But you know that bdsm is like a mother of all fetishes and if you got one fetish you will be introduced to another. Anyways, I was trying to quit porn for a long time and also my bdsm fetishes, but this time I was reading lot of stuff about sissy hypno here in forums. So when I relapsed after 43 days, this time I was addicted to hypnosis porn. I mean when you are in binge watching state and you don't get enough high, you want a new type of porn and sissy hypno gave me that. So I only watched continuously it for 2-3 days but after relapsing(nut) for 3-4 times in that period, I came to realize that I am again slipping back out of reality. Well I know 3 days of sissy hypno is less, but I am little scared that I might have done irreparable damage to the brain. So do I have to watch any reverse hypnosis videos or just abstain? (I don't want to deal with any kind of hypnosis for a while as I am really triggered by it)
     
  14. SlickWillyWilkenson

    SlickWillyWilkenson New Fapstronaut

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    Of course! I get that, and I agree with you there. I think that’s kind of where most fetishes find their origin in viewers’ minds. Congratulations on the 43 days! That’s quite an incredible achievement . Pornography, as long as it is consumed on a regular/daily/multiple times a day basis, will naturally pull you deeper into its twisted constructs of sexuality. When you find a new fetish and “wear it out” (jerking off to videos in that genre over and over again), eventually it loses its appeal and your mind is curious about what lay below. You may start watching vanilla porn, then lesbian porn, perhaps some of the rougher stuff and so on. Eventually you’re watching pantyhose or foot fetish videos, femdoms in latex masks, and it only gets worse from there. That’s the thing about sissy porn: if you watch it and aren’t disgusted and turn away for good from it right away, it has a foothold on your mind—even if it’s the smallest point of leverage, it is still there. That seed can grow and cause serious damage.

    First you might be kind of weirded out by it and think it’s a little much, but overtime it really does rewire your brain. As a sexual stimuli, it is training your brain to be aroused by things not just of a twisted nature, but things that could go against your natural sexual orientation. The day may come when you can only be aroused by such things, and what you used to enjoy now seems bland and of a different world.

    The good news is you don’t need reverse hypno therapy to recover from it. If such a thing exists I’m sure it would help, but it is not essential. For me, quitting porn had to be a lifelong commitment in my head, even if I knew I was going to relapse a time or two. Trying to see how long you can go before you break won’t get you to the point in life where you are sexually independent from porn. Masturbating, however, was a much harder game. Admittedly I still masturbate—I don’t watch porn, though, haven’t for over a year now—but I temporarily quit in tandem with porn. When you’re a straight male your whole life and you reach the point where only bizzare, fucked up content will get you off, you have a problem. At first I thought I’d quit masturbating until I was aroused by normal fantasies again, but even that was problematic. You see, after a week I would be turned on by the thought of a girl in workout clothes or something simple, but, after starting to masturbate, the deeper/darker thoughts would take over and I’d end up falling prey to them. After a few tries, I knew that I had rewired some strange things into my brain over the years, as only the batshit crazy thoughts would arouse me. I did a 30-something day reset so that I would get so horny that even the blandest thoughts of sex would turn me on. It worked. Being careful to not let my mind fall deeper, I stayed at that level in my head while masturbating and didn’t give the darker thoughts control. Simply repeating this process will help you tremendously, and I know that one day you won’t even need porn at all. Sissy hypnosis can’t do any damage that you can’t undo (no matter what the videos will tell you about “accepting who you truly are”). That would be bullshit to say otherwise. You know who you are and who you were before, and you know that you can get back to that person. All it takes is hard work and patience. The day will come when sissy hypnosis will not only never cross your mind, but, if it were to, it’d be as strange a concept as it was to you long ago. You can build a better, stronger foothold in your mind that cannot be shaken, and on that day porn won’t even be a temptation for you. I promise you, there is nothing that has been done to you that cannot be undone. Rewarding your brain to normal sexual stimuli and that only will absolutely reverse the problems caused by previously rewarding your brain to twisted sexual stimuli. Wven if it takes a month before you’re aroused, do it. It won’t be that way forever, and one day you will be back to yourself, full of good sexual energy instead of bad sexual energy.

    Sorry for the rant, just wanted to make sure I spoke the truth from my heart.
     
    ankith likes this.
  15. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Whoa thanks a lot man, that was really a detailed reply. No need to be sorry, it is really helpful. Well there are some reverse hypnosis videos in Youtube which can rewire your unconscious mind, but I don't want to deal with it now. As you have said that abstaining for a long time would wear out the affect. I'm glad to hear that you have stopped watching porn for good. Masturbation is still a problem haha. They say unless we deal with the neurosis or the underlying problem(trauma), addiction is hard to quit. So my advice to you is to try going to a therapist and deal with your childhood traumas (it may not be horrific event, childhood trauma can also be as simple as getting scolded once)... Anyways Good luck on your recovery.
     

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