Journal 1 (11th March)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Take the First Step In Faith, You Don't Have to See the Whole Stairs. Just the First Step - Martin Luther King Jr [1929 - 1968]

... So I take the first step with this journal, and attempt to walk forward, right into history with my words. It's funny, because a'lot of people advise me to write since sometimes it seems like I have so much to say. But may be it's time to stop the ramblings and pick the pen up, and do some work for a change.

So the plan...
Write into my journal every evening and connect my quote of the day with my daily learnings, as I make more sense of my history, present and future. This is quite exciting for me.

Belive it or Not, but the quote above is not exactly for myself. You see, I have been training to master myself in all body, spirit & mind, and while the journey continues, its safe to say I am no longer a slave to the identity of a slave. That is, I no longer see my self as a slave to any cosmic, material or conceptual activity nor any human soul... I am even working on not even being a slave to my own mind.

You are not your mind...
Lord! It took me many years to understand that wisdom. How can you come to terms with the knowledge that you and your mind (which you possess) are separate. This is important to learn, as it can free us from the uniqueness of our depravity, desires, passions & fears. The passions that rule us control our lives and thus our perceptions of ourselves in life...
Freeing yourself from these numerous passions (thoughts) creates a simple journey of your being and our heart to the end of time...

Worthy is the one who discovers this journey

This quote is absolutely for the numerous people i intend to help in life, for they are out there.

Do not get me wrong...

I am no saviour!

Far from it... Rather, I recently recollected a memory I had about a decade ago, where I suspected I had been cursed by black magic, because I felt my life was such hell.

So who am I to talk?

I will share just one word that should be easy to find.

"Paramita"

You see, you are talking to someone who has been to jail, university, a rehab centre and solitary confinement and is can still confidently say "I will make it in this life" - mark my words. For I have already taken my first steps, now it is time to run outside.

Learn this: Left foot froward first, because when you move, move with heart.

Peace & Love

 

Journal 2 (13th March)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: You Are Not Your Mind - Eckhart Tolle [1948 - till present]

Didn't get to put a journal entry last evening, so (not shirking) decided ill attempt to aim and hit at two attempts today.

Well, while I feel a little tired from an unusual late night, i am in no way anxious to write something out, like I used to. Strangely, i find it therapeutic this morning (I hope that 'feels' continues).

OK, so about last night...

But first, the quote of the day must be assessed in some time of spiritual way. I mean, what I take from the quote right now is, if you observe yourself really close, you might notice that you are capable of anything, based on the state of mind you are in... the reality you choose to embrace.
Well... if you choose to be afraid, anytime you get a tingling sense of fear (rational or irrational) you hone on to it and empower it. But if you decide to journey into your fears, you will discover that ... you as a being is journeying into your mindset (supposed fear). And this is just an example!

Ok, look at the mind like a temple, you choose to worship in.
When you were young, you were taught at every sunset, you must be at the temple and worship.
So, when you get older & notice the beautiful sun setting, you get anxious if you are not in that temple

However, the truth is... if you are mature in your spirit. You do not need the temple to worship in. You can observe your worship as if you are in a temple & evoke the same sense of peace

All you need to do is discover what peace is and decide to let go of the physical property of the temple. You may not be as safe without it... But you are still breathing, if you choose to explore what comes after that choice...

Enough rambles... (Im so tired)

Last night was quite interesting.
I started talking to this lady (Purple daffodil) who is gripping and literally keeping my heart vitalized and inspired.
I love when I'm connecting with her, and we havent even met yet.

It's not weird really... Just serenading one another & discovering we dont need attraction to connect. More chemistry, understanding & knowledge of who we are and what we want.
It is exciting!

Lol, So I had to do something last night.
You see, before I started talking to this pretty daffodil, I had been chatting up another beauty (Rose) that I was really interested in (Purple daffodil, surprisingly came in & held my heart and attention).
Anyways, I found it quite important to express my current state of heart to Rose, and let her know why I had not been dotting on her for about a week now.

Rose, was patient... She heard my expression and found it interesting.
Women can be strange! Here I was thinking I was being pathetic and she thought it was the "sweetest thing I could do".

???

So, she was interested in the feeling and plans I had for her prior... being I never communicated them, only just initiated them. She also seemed accepting of feelings, and understood that I may have been "thunderstruck" (look it up). Now she seems enchanted by this situation and is intrested in exploring her own feeling is regards to how she fits in to the situation. (~ yeah, weird! I know!)

Problem is, while talking to Rose, I realized I truly had an appreciation for who she is as a person and really do have genuine feelings for her personality, and ideally, would like to have a relationship with her...

Problem is Daffodil and I cannot help this 'decent' in to romantic bliss. It almost as if we were made for each other. I just thought I'd share because I realised last night that there is nothing more honest and disarming than your hearts truth. No matter how pathetic it seems to your mind or ego.

People, live your truth... & respect your heart as well at of others
Give to them what you want given to you & always remember that both body & mind were born to heal

Scars are covered up an remade anew, both in body, mind & soul.
Do not keep opening the wound... And most of all, let the truth (*yours) lead you and do not be afraid to go where it leads, even if it means death.

Because fear is from the chemicals within us, which we identify as 'Mind'...

But it is not who we are!

So who are you!?

 

Journal 3 (15th March)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The Things I Can & The Wisdom To Know The Difference." SERENITY PRAYER
- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971)

Anyone who has been through a rehabilitation institution knows what the quote above is about.
Basically, it is the serenity prayer I recited almost everyday for 3months while in rehab two years ago... and now I want to truly analyze its importance in my life. Because it is important.

... Everyday (at least, these days) I wake and arise grateful for everything I have and who I am, and make my peace with this world. I do this for a variety of reasons, but here are 3 core ones that may connect with someone.

1. I seek gratitude because, I have come to a realization that although my life may be rough & hard, sad or disappointing... One thing that remains certain is, I will eventually die and have no consciousness and possibly no impact on this world. I, also realize that while I am alive, probably the best practice I can ever focus on is learning how to accept myself, heal myself, understand & encourage myself, teach myself and learn to grow with myself... So, I can know how to love myself, and my life (and thus the world)

2. I find gratitude because the essential being within us craves to be loved and understood for here we are together, better or worse (warts & all...). Well for some strange reason, when I make my girlfriend happy or my Mum, Dad, family, friends... even a total stranger, I seem to have moment of joy myself. It helps me understand that there is something equally rewarding in giving as there is in receiving... So If I can find gratitude in myself, maybe I can give to someone else who in return rewards me with their joy & appreciation. I never underestimate how that makes me feel, because it defines who I am.
(Much love to those who provide joy, even to a person who incapable of perceiving it... )

3. I have gratitude because onwards in my journey, I've come to understand, that life is what you make it, but nature is designed to feed and free man (& woman), but also to test and destroy him/ her. (check this out) All through our history as humankind, man and woman have come together to survive nature, by combining our differences and discovering solutions to pass on to our children. Well, here is a solution... If you are grateful to be alive, you are at least one step ahead of the fool who takes life for granted. You resolve to evolve and step to the challenge of life, because Lord knows its going to want to throwdown after sundown...

Now, this gratitude I have carried with me since I was reborn free off drugs & porn addiction. And even though I may still have a "perverted" mind (LoL), because of the systems of discipline and growth I have created and put myself through, I am no longer a victim to my mind, but a responsibility to it, as well as my body... and my soul.

This is why, I now totally understand the serenity prayer!

You see, just like so many people in so many instances, when I first got into rehab, and I was reciting that prayer, along with the other addicts (substance abusers), I was just droning on & on...
Truth is, I never really learnt what it was really about and just kinda used to mutter it with the other guys.

Even when I had started healing and improving my mind, I still didn't learn the serenity prayer.

Even when I decided I was going to be the best in everything I did while at rehab, I still never memorized the serenity prayer nor understood its principles, like so many of us do with life... I mean, most of us just go through the motions, and the very things we are made to repeat daily, well... we never truly find our value in them or search for its true meaning to us!

But, that's the reason some smart person decided that it was something worth repeating daily and not just once or twice a week. It's possibly because, when you repeat something, it kinda stays within your functioning capacity (Your memory basically) and you can recall it anytime in life.
The question now becomes when do you choose to value to it?

Right now, there's a thousand things in your head... and most of them are irrelevant! But there is knowledge and tremendous insight to life's principles in there as well, that somebody has dedicatedly taught you over time. You just have to be responsible enough to refine it and give it its true understanding and let it reveal itself to you as pure enlightenment.

this leads me back to the Serenity prayer, and its essential meaning to me.

You see the 3 words Serenity, Courage & wisdom are spoken in order to attempt an approach to a brand new meaning of life.
But why is it important?

Well, its because these three characteristics define the stable individual who is activated by the 3 elements within them, the body, mind & soul (spirit)

~ You see, the search for serenity starts with the body... stillness in this restless world. Stance!
In this day and generation, we are distracted by images, ideals, flesh, feelings and desires. Worst part is we do not even know ourselves. Be still, and observe yourself. See how everything else in this world heals when it rests, and is still when it reflects. Respect your body by being patient with it

~ A solid stance & basic belief is required to empower a mind to have courage to approach & defeat obstacles bigger than it. This is how we grow! You know, the reason why the call the Lion, the king of a jungle, is not because it is the biggest, most beautiful, strongest or even smartest animal in the land... It is because, when a Lion sees a creature twice its size, like an elephant, it thinks about just one word...
"Lunch"

~ If I am ver honest, my favourite word out there is wisdom. When I hear wisdom, my spirit pays attention. Wisdom is that invisible string that connects us, and it is not physical. There is a lady on here, who is from another space from me. Another country... another world!
Yet! When I read her diary, I feel connected with her, because I see her spirit in her words. It goes deeper than her mind, but into her soul ~ and that people is the one thing, I believe secretly we are all seeking for.

So, my thinking & feeling is... be patient, be kind, be principled. Do things at a pace meant for you & you alone. Not with the rat race of this culture or society. Be the change you want to see, and you will discover that the answers were inside you all along.

Some of us live hoping that system from outside us will make our insides feel better.
But the systems outside are imperfect and seize to exist over time

I like from the system within me and spread to the outside
Because, it has not failed me once in a day for the last 33years.
The mere fact I am writing this, says not once has my breathing seized, or
my body nor my mind & spirit fail to heal up. It has served me perfect, without fail
for over 3 decades. And that perfection is all I need to maintain the balance outside me. Perfect/ Imperfect

Thanks

 

Journal 4 (17th March)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: I hear and I Forget, I see and I Remember, I Do and I Understand
- Confucius [551BC - 479BC]

(So much for a journaling everyday... Anyways, I'll always keep trying).

You see the quote above?
I love this quote so much!

I kinda stumbled across it the other day while reading a book on recovery & once I saw it I fell in absolute love with it, as I mentioned before.

Why?
Well, It's just that I just find so much wisdom in these ancients words... & not just from a proverbial point of view, but also from a purely psychological one, that may even be necessary for these modern times (probably for all eternity!).

So yeah, I'm a fan!

Something about hearing words just doesn't do it anymore, you know!?

There truly is much more to living than just hearing a bunch of sounds formulated into sentences.

What I mean is, every morning, I try to get up at the break of dawn, to embrace the breezy morning and watch the rising sun burn through the sky.
Not much luck in that, because I am always meditating when it does, but, I do get to hear the morning songbirds singing, and I was thinking, is it possible to recall the songs I hear every morning?

Listen, I see the quote above as somewhat of a progressive phrase, like its describing an evolutionary process. Similar to what humanity as been through... But I just gave the secret away...

Not hearing fool..
Listen.

If you try to hear the songs of the birds in the morning at the breath of dawn, then you're just gonna hear everything else life has to throw at you at that time, which is definitely more than you can cope with.

I feel (its late) like some couples these days try & hear each other out and take in everything but no one is listening to the vital information partners are trying to communicate.

Listen...

Listening is receiving not just the sounds, but the sounds in formation... that is you receive the "information" being passed.

More than the message, you receive the words.

And seeing is such a special thing, and such a disaster to us all.
I mean you can choose to see, and probably learn that it will eventually get your eves gauged out.

But, I think it was Helen Keller who once said "The only thing worse than being blind is having sight, but no vision".

So many of us are gifted without a realization of where we are going. It is sad, and so are we.
Especially when we should be in love, but we are in lost.

Now, if you are wise enough to listen to the heart, & smart enough to envision your destiny (destination)... then do something about it right now by facing your fears, and leaving your comfort zone.

Every single hero we know of, had face the private fears and doubts, only to find out they were not alone, and they were capable of being who they believed they were

... only thing is they had to face that dragon at the end.
They had to face death & survive, only to discover that they were truly alive


So, do something today & do it with love

Peace

 

Journal 5 (27th March)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Success is my only m@#&*N option... Failure's not
- Eminem [1972 - Present]

Its been a while since I have written here and, I definitely need to share a few things and get them of my cheast, possibly more so for my soul than anything else...

But first, Its been quite a while since I have given up on the drugs and all the sexual proclivity and still been in this type of confusion... which can only be caused by a woman

Still, I welcome it.

Basically, because I once heard... "If you find yourself in hell, keep going"

Well, I am not exactly in hell (lol), and thanks to my real steel steadfast routine & in the trenches discipline, I have no time to slip back into any silly old mistakes. Thank God!

I mean, don't get me wrong, the temptations burn sometimes. But you know what...

Now I know, I am that fire
That all consuming fire. The tempting burning fascination is but a part of me. But not the whole of.

As a matter of fact, I find learning to embrace that temptations and literally 'feeling everything' designs perseverance within you, and perseverance tempers endurance, while endurance enables growth... and growth builds character & there is absolutely nothing wrong with character.

It doesn't help that the this

... Yeah that didn't last very long.

~ Apparently, I didnt call her for 3 days, which led to her ignoring me for a week. Which I reacted to quite badly which broke communication... blah ~

It sucks.

I mean, I really liked this lady & somehow I still think of her.
But hey man! there are other fish in the sea. No point dwelling over a starfish. Anyways, like I mentioned it definitely has not stopped the blossoming of other relationships in my earth.

It did send me slightly off course though .
A slight misadventure into dark thoughts & the caverns of chaos within me.
I dived into the dating world and made some rather impulsive decisions this last week... But, grace has kept me from sinking deep... so, Im back

I guess deep down, I don't know what to do next.
So I am just going to try and embrace the vulnerability of existence and merely just keep kicking on, while burying myself at the bottom of my work with a plan of building massive success.

Oh! And I almost forgot.
I am not getting along smoothly with the rest of my family.. so that does really help my deep rooted security. But I embrace that uncertainty as well you know!? And I will tell you why...

I have changed. I had to.
For the last 17 years in my life, I endulged in sex, drugs and (basically) rock & roll. It's the truth.

Now, in order to transform I have been through changes and upgrades that they haven't had to, and in a short period of time as well.

People have had the luxury of been on a steady and straight forward path for the last decade...
I on the other hand have been through the ringer and back again, redefining, refining, reenterprising my being.

~ Banging out new morals in the fires of destiny to create steel beliefs ~

I feel like a different person. I feel like a dangerous person.

And I dont know if its is good or bad...

But I cant turn back now... "Success is my only option, failure is not!"

I love my family, but I have to carve out a piece of this world for myself. It is the only way a man can go. To face his greatest fear - the world- and become something great in the process.

Thank you ~

 

Journal 6 (17th April)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: I always slept on the floor... Maybe because I knew, If I could find comfort at the bottom place, there would be no more falling...
- David Goggins [1975 - Present]

I guess this journal entry is going to be an honest look as to why I haven't stuck to promise to make an entry every day, and why its been almost a month since I have put an entry in.

If you want a really simple answer, well its because I am a lazy fella naturally & I haven't totally commanded my time and my control of my day, so it (at times) slips out of my fingers.
Maybe its because for the last 3 weeks I have been so tempted to relapse into old sexual habits... It was just enough to get by without fapping than to work on self development skills.

Whatever excuse or reason I may have, It just plainly says I am not good enough yet because I havent totally mastered the patterns to my path & I have to get serious with this...

Anyways, LOCKDOWN. How is everybody holding up?
Must be hard on some people especially in the NoFap community to keep a disciplined lifestyle during this period.
(I really ought to come in here more, just to observe how people are progressing)

I have kinda taken to this lockdown like its was part of the trails of hercules... determined to overcome it & come out of it with a air of success.. In other words Im not tripping

I guess being a natural introvert has finally decided to pay off for something (even though I think this lockdown is absolute bullsh*t). I am keeping safe and practicing precaution.

I absolutly believe it would be so easy to get girls in the dozens during this period. No lie!
But, thats my problem... I feel happier when Im not gaming a chick and instead sticking to my goals and focusing on self development as well as my future.

I need to make myself into the man I know I am.

I need to start my goals and projects and stick to them. No more excuses, no more half baked reasons.
Its time to battle through the pain, until I get this right

My life is getting better, but I am not satisfied. Not until I start hitting my lifetime goals ad visions turn into reality & plans return as success trips.

I see it so clearly... But in order to attain what is truly mine, I must dedicate myself to the tasks at hand & the journal being one of them, must be done daily.

Im done sleeping comfortably on the floor.
Its time to pick my spot on the bed and feel it out. No more fetal position, only angel wings.

I know I am not going to enjoy this, so why lie to myself.
Just get it done and get it done right, because it is the right thing to do.

Much love

 

Journal 7 (27th May)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: A promise is the future spoken in the present
- Myles Munroe [1954 - 2014]

... And If I ever am hard on myself for not journaling daily again (Iy-yai-yai)!!!

Hi folks! I know its been over a month since I put heart to page and mind to task but, Im inspired. I mean, what can I say, everyday I amaze myself, because Im actually going to say some words Ive never said before...

"I love Love...."

Don't get me wrong! Yes, I am a hopeless romantic!!

But I am not punch- drunk in love or smitten or love bitten... its just a feeling I may or may not go around with.

Just to make things clear, me and (purple daffodil) eventually patched things up! (that was a story)
I pretty much just started from scratch with her & eventually won her heart. Lol, but lockdown means we still haven't see each other. But I don't mind at all. I am in no rush to push things.

I'm just moving to the rhythm of the blues.

Besides, there is so much to do....


But first, lets talk about the quote above!

Gentlemen! Do me a favour....
Make a promise today... and not only that... write it down to hold yourself accountable!

The secret is it gives yourself a personal project to work towards!

Please, do no bank everything on the ladies. Work on yourself... and then they will trust you!

Most of us are eager to just dive right into relationships, but....
There are a few important things you must have first before you even think of sniffing around a lady

I'll list the 5 principles of MAN before he finds a woman

1. Be connected with a strong spiritual source. A source of being (Identity)
2. Find work to do (Provider)
3. Learn to protect your environment (Awareness)
4. Constantly cultivate the people & settings around you. Make things better than you find it (Responsibility)
5. Read, Learn and know things (Wisdom)

Brothers, a good woman truly is a precious creature. Arguably the most precious creature on this planet earth.
A gemstone!

You can't just come whistling by and yank her out of her father's home and drag her into your chaotic hell, just because you have a cute smile and learned a few nice words in kindergarten.
She is comfortable & capable where she is... Being her best self!

You have to come by and be prepared to offer her something better than what she knows.

Some adventure, some peace, some stability & some good old fashion loving beneath a baobab tree in the summer heat while the family is waiting for us to bring the food out on the picnic table.
You all know what I mean!

Brothers, its time to work towards the man we want to become.
Our coming being... We must know

Open your eyes, by closing your eyes and envisioning that beauty you always wanted (because you know you deserve her). Think about the most romantic place you would want to be and the setting of the environment.
Envision it so close, you taste the breeze, smell the air, feel the temperature and see the beauty...

It doesnt matter how lavish it is... Just do it// Imagine it!

Hear her laughter, and watch her smile as she leans into you and you both stare into the scene

Before you open your eyes. Tell yourself.... "In 5 years"

That vision you just had! Open your eyes.... THAT IS PURE JOY

Write down everything you need to do today to be in that sweet spot in 5 years time, and begin working towards it!


Brothers, the time is now..... Honestly, I love you guys

Just, send me snaps of your moments when can, so I can have a bit of a smile as well

 

Journal 8 (13th June)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: ''Everyday we fight the system, just to make our right, we've been down for too long, but its all right, we were built to be strong, because its our life... Everyday we fight the system"
- Kendrick Lamar "HiiiPower [1987 - ...]

I could have been killed and no one would know...

I could have been pressed on with an authoritarian knee with a gun to my temple...

I am black and I am beautiful, but I have seen myself as a victim and in return treated like an animal, pushed out, hunted, cornered and put down like one... But thats all right!

We were built to be strong, and its our life. I cried the day I watched the movie 'Fruitvale Station' because the young man (true story) that was shot & killed in that story was exactly my age, temperament and skin colour.
The truth... its all real & even if I didnt want it to be... It is a nightmare.

When i was a cub, I remember my mama told me "Son, always becareful and wary of police. They will kill you because they don't care. They will kill you because you are black..."

And I lived to witness and testify her words. I am a young intelligent, daring and passionate wolf and I have the temperament of a protector and defender. When I lacked understanding, that temper was a threat to my very life.
I have squared up to police numerous times, and I have been put down, beaten down, sprayed, down, cuffed down & ground down to the dirt by them... Like I'm nothing.

The truth is: It hurts! It really does, and I relate to the anger of the young ones out there. But I have also learned that this anger, this rage is not justifiable. It is not some kind of righteous anger because some people choose to see skin colour as a representative of character and personage. There is a problem, an imbalance, but I have since learned that if you fight fire with fire... You only get more fire! And Im done with fire.

The truth is: You have to see yourself as worthy of respect & dignity. Nobody can tell you who you are if you know exactly who you are, where you come from, where you are going, why you are here & what you have to do. Because most people cannot answer that question for themselves.
I dont care what skin colour you are or the colour of your beautiful hair or eyes. Once you love yourself, then I love you... because, because, the only thing I seek for in others is their hearts, their minds and their beliefs...

Everything else is just a bonus...

I feel the pain of the young now. The anger and I fear the accumulative rage, because when I was younger we were not this many. Now i actually fear for the police and the innocent lives caught in this melee. Huh! Kinda crazy right!?

A man can areate an enemy out of anything, but the worst person to create an enemy out of is yourself. Stay responsible, so you can live at peace with your actions every day & night

Oh! and while you have breath, try and love ... before its too late
The truth is its never too late.