From rape incident to nofap

Hi all.
I really appreciate the community, ideology and support that has emerged from nofap. This is the first time I am willing to fully commit to it myself. The reason I am here is that I have fallen in love and so far spend wonderfull two years with a women who suffers from PTSD from a rape incident that has happened way in the past. As you can imagine this has drastic implications on how we view and have sex. As time passed we've found methods to cope with the difficulties that came along with it and we are doing pretty well. However, I still see room for improvement and I want to make everything in my power to improve my own well-being and our relationship. As you can imagine we are very restricted in how often and to what extend we can enjoy being intimate. It is not always easy to cope with it, especially if you consider the omnipresence of sex in our daily life and how porn suggest it has to be. The way sex is being depicted and taught is not something wen can engage in. I figured that I need to distance myself from that idea and free my mind from what I have previously learned to create my very own idea of what sex and intimacy is. I hope that nofap will help me achieve the calrity I need to do so. I have always been someone with quite a high sex drive and wild fantasies so it is not going to be easy for me to keep me from sexual thoughts and content. Having a community to share my intentions and progress with is a huge motivation though. If you guys should be interessted I might try to answer questions, give more details and give weekly updates on my progress.
Best wishes.

 

Thank you all for the support!
Sex transmutation sounds actually great. I will definitely look into this. I'm currently more determined than ever. Loking foreward to get more familiar with the forum and the community and can't wait to post updates.

 

DAY 1

I am giving my best to suppress sexual thoughts and so far it is going pretty well. Had brief moments of arousal and noticed how id easily fall back into the thought process and fantasies I want to avoid. I recognized those moments as such. didn't make a big deal out of it and managed to suppress them quite easily. No serious urges to PMO so far. I am very satsfied with how it went. I am thinking about allowing sexual thoughts that involve things my girlfriend and I can actually engage in given our current state. However, I am afraid that it is a gateway to the exact same scheme I am trying to avoid as long as I am not ready for it. It might be something I will allow in the future so I learn to be fully satisfied with what we have instead of longing for more.

 

DAY 3

So far i didn't slip. I almost did though on day 2 as I had strong sudden urges. Later that day my SO came over. We've been somewhat intimate but eventually had to stop as it was triggering her PTSD. I notice that I seek more physical contact with my SO than I usually would. I'm not sure how good this is since I tend to be more physically affectionate than she can bare. However just fapping away that trait is not going to cut it. I need to find another way to deal with this. I had strangely random and sudden bad mood tonight, which included plain sadness but mostly the need for affection from my SO and the fear of losing her. I also felt some inner rage towards sex in general. I was mad about how everyone is so obsessed about it and how the world has an unhealthy attitude towards it. I thought that I didn't want to be part of this and that I if this is what sex means to people then should stop wanting it all together. However I know that this is more of a defense mechanism. A pretention that I don't want what I am seeking because I can't have it. Or atleast not the way I'd like to. I have to learn to cope with this in other ways than fapping it away or pretending to rage quit on it. I will figure something out, but to do so I have to be exposed first and stop the habit of PM as soon as things don't go the was I wish they would.

 

DAY 4

No threatening urges today. Had a big presentation in the evening so I was quite nervous through out the day and very tired afterwards, which might have had an impact. I still have mood swings, which I could easily and perhaps even used to just fap away. I might profit from facing whatever it is that causes these mood swings and need to find a way to cope with it. On the other hand they might just be caused for no other reason than the abstination I am putting myself through. It makes me wonder if what I choose to do is beneficial after all. It cant hurt to try though and it might be the only way to find out. Today I have set my goal at one month. It is gonna be tough but if I manage to do so I will learn plenty about myself.

 

DAY 5

There is nothing much to say about today. I was extremely tired. Had regular urges, which didn't cause much of a challenge. I've perhaps allowed more sexual thoughts than I wish I would.

Things I noticed today: Tiredness, mood swings, anxiousness and overall tension. All symptoms of an addict on withdrawal. But i guess this is a good sign and shows that progress is being made.

 

DAY 6

The typical symptoms of withdrawal got me offguard and I ended up relapsing. I am proud of my streak and not all too mad about it ending. I am still in the process of learning and what I did has thought me an awful lot. I am still determined to achieve my one month goal. What ultimately led me to fail were not the urges but the fact that I was not prepared for the symptoms of withdrawal. Setting my counter to zero is motivating me for a cleaner run this time.