My SO is a girl with PTSD

Discovering your partner has a porn addiction causes PTSD so, on top of her sexual abuse as a child, I can’t imagine how hard this must be your partner.

You have to start being 100% honest and you cannot relapse.

It’ll do too much damage if you continue to lie and hide your behaviour, and you’ll keep triggering her PTSD. If you don’t think you can cut P and M out of your life completely from today, you need to seriously think about your future together.

 

Hey man. First of all mad props to you. I know what it takes to love and support someone with PTSD. Fighting an addiction on top of it doesn't make it easier. It speaks volumes about you.

One question that came to my mind while reading your story is if your SO would find it problematic if you masturbated without porn. I am sure you have already considered it yourself, as it would be much easier to only quit porn without masturbation. But what are your thoughs on that?

Another thing is I hope she understands that even with dedication it takes time and effort to break an addiction and that she is as understanding and patient as you are with her PTSD.

I'd suggest to be completely open and honest about it. This is also in your own interesst as you really seem like a good willed guy and lying has ultimately stressed you so much. Make her understand that you love her and that you are willing to change your habbits but you have a years old stubborn addiction. And addictions of any kind take patience and dedication to break no matter how much you hate them. You could tell her that you hate that addiction but in order to break it you will need her supoort and understanding. If she is not understanding then it is going to be one hell of a challenge. Don't lose hope though as I believe that you have the strength to bare what ever may come.

 

Hi mate!

Very intriguing story. I may come up with advise, but have to think about it for a little while first. Just writing this post to say that you are a truly good and loyal person. You can be proud of yourself.

 

Have you ever heard of betrayal trauma? You have betrayed her and lied for 2 years AFTER she was open a vulnerable about what she has been through. She isn’t suffering ptsd because she feels “ safe” she’s suffering because she’s re experiencing betrayal by someone who was supposed to protect her. I cannot even imagine going through this after what has already happened in her childhood. Please let her go, you are only going to hurt her more. She deserves someone who will be safe. Lying to her about your relapses is also causing trauma, because she wants so badly to believe you but her gut is constantly warming her that you are not safe. It is driving her crazy. Look up betrayal trauma to better understand what she’s going through.

 

I'm completely new to this community, but I couldn't help and stop to read your post. It felt very similar to the situation that I'm in currently, except the extreme trauma my SO is not in. I do admit my porn use has caused her trauma, and it opened my eyes to what evil this stuff is. What my selfish acts have caused on her is an intense pain that I cannot erase. I can't imagine the pain your SO is going through, and she's not wrong to not want sex from you. I wouldn't want sex from my woman after sleeping with a bunch of men over me, even if she had a sex addiction. It's how many women view it, and it's legit. Your body reacts to this stuff as if it's happening. Otherwise, you wouldn't get off in your hands. Why do you think you "need" porn to "get off?" Your brain has been trained to view it as real. Anyway, I don't blame your SO for anything she's facing and feeling. This story is absolutely a nightmare, and for anyone to have to go through it, it's hell.

I applaud you for wanting the best for her, but at the same time, it seems you really don't understand what is best for her. Someone with trauma needs solid truth. You hiding things from her not only shows you don't respect her enough to be honest, but it also makes me wonder if you really do want to help her. Your image in her mind needs to be real. Even your falls. Real means you fall. Your girlfriend is still with you despite all of this. This says a lot of what she sees and wants. Someone to betray her in the worst case scenario, and to try and understand you is huge. It's huge that you are being loyal and staying, this relationship sounds extremely crazy and stressful right now, but if you both honestly love each other, it's time for that honesty. If her thinking you are working on yourself and battling porn is good. It is, and if you go into this with a mindset of, "I am an addict, I will slip and fall again." You will. Being sober is hard, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself. I'm not saying you will not fall again, but I'm saying if you are planning to ditch your girlfriend once she's better.... that's a bit harsh. If I had the mindset that my SO is working on herself and going to try and get better with a possibility of striving together as we are, and then after I get off my addiction and she goes, "OK bye ya! I helped right?" That would holy crap kill me. Because it sounds like she's not given up on the relationship completely... or else she would've ditched you completely a while ago. I am saying, if you aren't ready to actually love yourself, but also to be honest with the love you are giving. Or you are going to crush her even more later. There is a probability she wants to be with you, and you can't play with her emotions like that if you are going to crush them later.

I wanted to highlight something you said that hit me hard and kind of opened my eyes to my selfishness in my own relationship. You said that, "I was done being belittled and pushed away." and also you said in reply in another post, " I know I cannot spend my life with someone who will periodically disregard our relationship and devalue me even if she's coming from a hurt place." I need you to take a step back and look at what you are doing every time you decide to choose pornography, just as I have. This to us isn't meaningful, but to a woman that is supposed to confide, trust, and be close to, it's the most dishonest, devaluing thing we can do to a woman. What you really need to say is, "Do I want to continue to devalue her and disregard her in my relationship? " Because buddy, as much as you or I don't want to admit it, that's what we do to our women when we do this shit. That's why I want to quit. I'm sick of training my mind to devalue someone I love and claim that I love. The question is do you actually want to quit porn for a better life? If it's not right for her to devalue you, push you away, and disregard her in the relationship. You need to do the same exact thing every time you choose porn and then you can ask her to not do that. Every time you choose porn, you have to know you are devaluing her by looking at that. You are pushing her away by choosing some other form over her. You are disregarding her in a relationship because trust and sexual intimacy, is extremely important in one. You ruin that every time you click on those videos. I just wanted to let you know, this is what I had to learn what the hell I was doing to my SO, and I'm trying my best to not do it to her anymore because she is better than any woman I jerked off to. Hell, so am I. It's hard, so damn hard to quit, but if we stick together, we can beat this horrible cruel act that is causing us men to be weak, and causing women to suffer. We need to stick together.

 

Hey! Thanks to replying! No, that doesn't mean you have to marry her now, it would be a disaster for both of you. You shouldn't marry anyone right now, and I only advise that because you really need to make a loving commitment to yourself most of all. It sounds like you do love her very much, and it does show through that feeling and showing of support, and that's very kind and good. The one thing you cannot do through this is if you want it to work out, which it seems you do, please keep that goal in mind. I know you cannot change her, just as much as she cannot change you, but you can change yourself to being the greatest person that you can be right now. You aren't married, and that's the best time to do this, and you don't have to get married right after either or both of you get through these issues. Things are not set in stone, but if you truly DO want things to work out, I advise keeping that goal strong in your mind. I know it may not work out, and actually that's where a lot of MY insecurities will pop up and I get super tempted to go to porn, but also... I want to marry my SO. No, she is not perfect, but neither am I. As far as I can see it, I don't want to walk into a marriage with this porn problem I have right now, whether it be her or not, but I do want it to be her... and I don't want to be hunkered down by this problem ANYWAY even if I never were to marry! It's belittling and hard to live in any fashion being controlled by things other than yourself. It's been one of the hardest things I've faced, but in my eyes, I would like to be able to face even harder challenges down the road one day. That will make me strong and even more of a whole person.

So, I want to advise to then stop focusing all your attention on your girlfriend. You aren't married, and you do need emotional support, but right now, you may need to learn how to give that to yourself also. In healthy matters... because we as porn addicts tend to go to the wrong places for emotional support. Your girlfriend may be a source for that, but in life, she cannot be a soul source for it, just as you cannot be that for her either. In my eyes, you are doing something very very big, so it requires big action. Your big action and her big action right now is healing, and recovery. That means you, whether you spend a lifetime with her or not, need to take a big action of self love... So put your expectations of the relationship down, only have it to encourage your goals, and remember, we are doing all of our actions for a reason. She is reacting from you probably STILL from the two months in your relationship when she first felt betrayed, remember that. She's been feeling how uncertain and also batted left in right from you for two years. I'm not telling you that to mope in it, I'm telling you that you two have an opportunity to heal individually here, but also together. I'm not even telling you to fix that, but remember just as she could've wished and hoped and known it was for both your sakes, she couldn't change you in two years. It has to be you. You can't change her for the rest of her life, just as she can't you. You two can definitely influence each others' actions! But it definitely is better to do that with an open, loving, honest heart. It does mean for you to be completely honest with her from now on. I know it may be risky, but start trusting her with your falls now. I can message you later if you'd like to talk about our girls or if you need someone to talk to because it's hard right now to focus on yourself and her and everything, believe me! But I also want you to understand the power of really putting power into yourself! And you can, with support and answers, you can find the solution, and we are all here, with intelligence to find it and use it. I am a believer of doing it with others. We will grow more and faster.

It's admirable and I'm actually happy you see yourself in a boat of wanting to stay and help. Do that for yourself also. The help she needs and you are trying to get for her, you need that too. Actionable things will lead to recovery, and lots and lots and lots of practice of self love. You both have trust issues to break through... and that takes time. I guarantee as long as you are both STRIVING for that, time is not the issue. It's only the effort into loving yourself and healing and recovering. Don't set expectations for her, just as you can't seem to do for yourself and keep. In her eyes, you couldn't gain her trust with sex and emotional love fully for 2 years. She's still giving you that chance to gain it, or else she would've flown away. You need to trust in her emotionally as well, and that does absolutely mean she needs to recover, but that does mean you do also. It's a very good thing, not a daunting thing at all. But do not label time with it. What you have to recover from may take years. What she may need to recover and heal from may take years. Don't give someone with that much of a horrible history to heal within 12 weeks to meet your expectations... Trust takes time to build, especially the pain that comes along with it. She being PTSD says she is going to learn to process pain, a lot of it, and learn to correctly store it in her memory. It seems she may have not done it with the pain you gave her, and that takes time. Look at improvement day by day within yourself and from her. Try to focus on what's going right and dang it, snatch on like a pit bull and feed that.

So please please please look in to yourself. It's a fun, and difficult at first process. But fight this porn addiction with loving eyes. It's the only way you can fight evil correctly and have it be out of your system! With any drug and any horrible thing.. so patience, my brother, we are fighting a lot of things, but cannot do it without wanting to, replacing them, setting goals, and looking to see how those that have conquered struggled but succeeded in handling it. And are continuing. Find everything in your power to conquer it day by day, and be honest with yourself and others. Who cares if this stuff is hard? It's harder to die with a life of regret and a life of loss, a life of lies. Sorry, I ramble a lot! I'd like to gain friends here and grow a lot. I have to talk like this everyday to myself to not get too deep into my urges, but I want to become part of a growing community who can at the end say we have fought and beat the biggest drug out there. And personally.. I want to see my wife at the end of this, both of us healed... happy.. and new inside and out. It takes work, love, effort, and honesty. And more, but let's strive for that. Don't dismiss all the good work you have put in and are.. and also, take ownership of yourself. The time is now to transform into something awesome. Get help, do everything in your power to heal, just as she is probably trying on her end. Do everything you can, and MORE to love yourself, to grow. To grow into a man is powerful, loving, and really really awesome. When things get hard, holy crap they do, learn how to overcome it every time, and learn more about yourself, and do everything in your power and others to prevent you from falling, set up safeguards. Dude, I put up software on my computer. This crap better be harder for me to get to if I don't want to reach it! Do things that make it easier to love yourself. I have to stop writing you novels. Hearing your story actually gave me a lot of hope of my relationship.. ironically. Because as I got to see how your girl is struggling, it empowered me to realize mine is probably struggling just as much as I am or worse, so I have to heal and admire that she's still with me. Just knowing that no matter what hell we go through, it's worth going through it together and finding the end.

Don't be stuck, find solutions. Don't be lost, find yourself. They may be hard to get to, but that's why we build strength and knowledge for it to become easy. So there is no hard or easy, it's just how bad do we want a better life, and how much love can we give it. Good luck to you, brother, and let me know if you need someone to rant to, to get a computer pat on the back, hug whatever. Times are hard. I just found it very magnetic of me to come to your post and I feel like we can do this.