No arousal with real person

Hi- I’ve got a few questions so I can better understand your question. I might be able to help as I’ve been married for a couple of years too, and had similar issues to the ones you mentioned before therapy/reboot.

Does your wife know about your issues with pornography? Have you never had an interest in real sex, or was it different at the start of the relationship with your wife? How many months have you been rebooting and are you doing hard-mode or soft-mode? When does the mental fog/ happen?

 

You might not want to hear this but in order to properly deal with your addiction I believe you need to tell your wife. As much as you think she’s unaware, I can guarantee that she knows that you aren’t finding her sexually arousing and that you’re fantasising about other things. It’s easy to notice when someone’s not “in the moment”, unless you’re seeing things through an addicted lens. Your wife deserves to know the truth. Reverse the roles and think about how you’d feel if she had the same issue, and wasn’t finding you arousing.

Are your specific porn interests something you could incorporate into your marriage? If not, why not? I used to only find my wife sexually arousing when she was wearing makeup, which is something that got progressively worse. I think this issue came from my insecure attachment style and fear of intimacy, and I find my wife very attractive with or without makeup now. I actually find the “Instagram look” very fake and unappealing now, which is not how I felt before.

Your sex life will definitely improve if you are able to completely cut P&M out of your life. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, sex needs to be an exclusive thing between you and your wife. As I mentioned before, your wife will know that you're fantasising about other things when you’re having sex with her. She’ll probably be trying desperately to tell herself she’s wrong and that you’d never do that, or blaming herself for not being sexy/ attractive enough (which, to be honest, is the problem but it’s far from being her fault). Any SO will tell you the same, my wife included.

 

You’re welcome! I hope I can help.

I prefer to keep my NoFap identity anonymous as I am in a therapy group which I attend weekly and this provides me with real life accountability and support. Maybe you could talk to a friend you trust about your issues? You can also message me privately on NoFap and I’m happy to help in anyway I can.

This is definitely the case if your goal is have a healthy sex life in a monogamous relationship. I don’t see any situation where watching porn in a committed relationship is good, and my mindset has improved massively since quitting. There are other aspects you need to work on too though, as just quitting PM won’t be enough on its own. You need to know why you want to quit.

Intimacy issues are very hard to overcome and most likely come from your childhood. This is where therapy can help, but you could start by reading some books on Sexual Addiction or looking at some websites. ‘Your brain on porn’ is a good starting point. Talking to your wife about your fantasises is something that will definitely help. I think most healthy people have sexual fantasies- the key is to make them into something only your wife can do. Your fantasies sound like they are influenced quite strongly by porn with your partner being dominated etc. This is something that could change or disappear when you stop watching porn.

It won’t be an easy conversation but it’s one you need to have. It’ll be much better for both of you if you talk openly and honestly with her about your issues, rather than her catching you or confronting you. Your wiring will definitely be altered by rebooting but, as I mentioned before, there’s more you need to do than just stop. It’s a process and it takes time, determination, dedication and a whole lotta self-reflection.

 

I can relate to some of what you write. When reading around this site for a long time most of the PIED stories I read about involve a man who wants to have sex but is unable to because they cannot get an erection. I feel I am much worse because I do not get turned on at all and do not want to have sex (not attracted to wife).

It has taken me some time to realize that this is also PIED. In the past when I have stopped porn for a few months the attraction has come back to some extent.

 

I have similar issue. Do you feel like u r not aroused because your so is not hot enough physically?