In a relationship yet lonely

We, humans, are a mixture of things.
Rational, irrational, logical, illogical, orderly, disorderly. In a way, we are utterly mad.

So going from want to be in a relationship to not want to be in a relationship is, in a way, normal.

These are all parts of us. Society and culture shape us one way, try to put us in order, but order that is imposed from without will ultimately fail.

Only real order can come from within, and to get there, one must venture within. Go deeper than just the everyday ordinary. Some people can be greatly helped in achieving so by others (say a partner, therapist, friend), but ultimately, deep down, we are all alone.

The world in our minds/souls is far vaster than the outside world. And while some people can reach deep into us, it is ultimately only ourselves who can venture to the greatest depths.

Probably a bit more philosophical answer than you wanted, so here is the short version.

Everything changes, even ourselves.

Why? Well, different reasons. In your case it could be any of the following:
- change in outside circumstances
- change in inside circumstances (ie possibly due to reboot)
- growing up (as we grow up, we change. Change is the definition of growing up)
- loss of excitement: one of the main reasons for people to break up is this. The new person is exciting for 6 months, a year, 3 years but then you get used to them. They are no longer new. (Same goes for many things we own). Hence, they no longer excite us (excite is here meant in a strictly non-sexual way, although it can expand to sexual as well as the lack of excitement progresses).

Well, I said that was a short answer. I fucked up. Nevertheless, hope it helps.

 

Maybe tell us more bout the relationship

 

Did you enter because you wanted a relationship with her or you just craved to be in a relationship? if you just were dating her, would you ask her for a relationship again? do you think there's someone out there that is a better suit for you and would make you feel not lonely?

There's a lot of people out there that fear to be alone so they settle for a woman that is not what they really want. Instead of walking away from her and look for someone better they prefer to stay with them and avoid the pain of beeing lonely. Sadly they keep the relationship but they are still lonely.

 

Hi, I read in another thread you're living apart already and are likely to be divorced. This must be hard times for you and reading your post in this thread you have been in a difficult situation with your wife too. So, using PMO as an escape is a (ineffective) way of dealing with this. When we were young it became our survival mechanism and now it has become a burden.
The solution is to stop fleeing and start feeling. The words are just one letter difference, but it's a huge difference in how you deal with your life, feel about your life and see yourself. You deal with it by practicing yourself in connecting with your body at times you feel miserable and just be aware of it, without any stories. Your feeling more miserable at first, but when you don't get involved in it with your mind, the feeling will pass. This is true freedom. Thereafter you will feel better about yourself and this gets you wanting more.
Do it and you experience it. Be courageous, be strong my friend.

 

Well fuck me up, down and sideways, this sounds suspiciously similar to the road I've been down before. In my case we were together for four years, engaged to be married and she suddenly gives up on us. I've heard all the "we'll be together forevers" but in the end it wasn't so. I guess that somewhere along the road I've stopped paying attention. Didn't notice small changes and then big changes happend. You can still shift things at the small chnages stage, but you can't do that anymore once the thing progresses.

At this stage, you just have to accept it. She was never yours to begin with.
Pity, but hopefuly you've learned something.

 

Yes, you're both in the relationship and you both have your share in the breaking up. PMO is indeed a big game breaker and the 'lazy or comfy' feeling I recognize very much. I learnt to appreciate my wife more and put energy in my relationship in stead of the fake luring images. This also applies to my relationships with others, as I notice I have let down many more people due to my addiction.
I wish you all the best on your path to the real you! Stopping PMO is a huge step in the right direction!!

 

You are welcome and our community needs you too!

 

Give it to her. Never keep someone in your life that don't want to be in it. You already told her you wanted to work things out, but she told you that she wanted space. That's the way a woman told us that she is not that into us and is open to date someone else and see what happens.

If you are living together make her leave (she is the one dumping you). If you don't, just tell her that she can take as much time as she wants, that you are moving on with you life and eventually will start dating other people. Also tell her that she can contact you again only if she wants to work it out between the both of you, if not that you wish her a really nice life. After that you stop every contact with her, the only way you are going to speak again in your life is if she contact you to work things out. Stand up for what you want and you will get her back or will get a better woman instead.

 

I agree with @p1n1983 with one big if. I've learnt in my life that from any relationship, especially the intimate ones, there's a lesson to be learned. If we don't learn it in one relationship then we run into it in the next until we finally get it.
So, you might need to evaluate your relationship from the first time you met till now, and see what you need to learn including the PMO. Then make a plan on improving yourself and go out and do it. If necessary with professional help. Tell her about your plans and what you intend to change within yourself.
My wife was about to leave me and I did this. Although stil in doubt, my willingness and actions to really change everything in my life (thought patterns, habits, attaining dreams, honesty, will power etc) and the result she sees from day to day, is the reason why she hasn't left me.

 

Totally agree with this.

In your case it's ok to do this because your wife wanted to work things out between the both of you. In the OP's case she has already given up on him and ask for space, aka breakup.

 

Yes, I agree. It might be a passed station. However, if OP finds a new momentum in his life, telling her about it might make her change her mind. Women do sense those subtle changes and OP has nothing to lose so he might give it a shot. The most important thing though, is the will to improve for his own sake. The rest will follow, in my experience.

 

Yes I agree, in that case there's nothing more for you to do. Find the strength in yourself. You're worth it!