1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

How to let go of toxic/negative friends?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by R2DToy, May 31, 2020.

  1. R2DToy

    R2DToy Fapstronaut

    127
    161
    43
    Hello!

    Since this crisis started, I've kinda halted my contact with a group of friends.

    Well, moreover for particularly one friend, of who I came to realize is actually a really negative and toxic person. Ever since I vastly recovered from continuous depression, and managed to maintain my mental health by myself, I came to realize that this particular person is actually quite a negative person.

    It was so easy for me to 'go along' with it when I was depressed. Now that I am able to free myself from the shackles of depression, and all the negativity that comes along with it, I want to let go of this friend group.

    This group's only real hobby is drinking alcohol in get togethers. Before the crisis also downtown at the bars.

    So now that I am doing really well with recovering from my depression, I've started to and wanted to embrace the positivity rather than the negativity and all their associated feelings. I'm tired of being jealous, I prefer to envy, I don't want to be a negative nancy anymore, but positive and confident, I want to develop and be myself, not be laughed at when you show your true self.

    Have you guys ever let go of friends? If so, how did you do it? Basically I want to avoid any kind of possible aggressive behaviour. This one friend can grow a fiery temper when he's drinking (too much) and I don't feel like dealing with this again. Not that he's ever try to assault me or anything, it's just embaressing to be around him when he's shouting and gesturing and all that.

    As for the others, some are still OK-ish persons, but in all honesty, I thinking I used hang around with them because we shared a negative mindset, and I didn't have many other friends at the time. All in all I consider this to be a troubled group, and I want to be free from them, and move on.

    I would just avoid confrontation but it bothers me, I keep thinking of what to say when I run into any of them or when I contact them again. They've tried to contact me a few times but I didn't answer the phone because I don't want to play any games but I also didn't know how to bring it yet. It also currently feels like it's 'me against them' for some reason, which bothers me, but it could just be in my head.

    Thanks for reading!
     
  2. Submariner

    Submariner Fapstronaut

    Hey!

    First of all, congrats with overcoming your depression. I am sure you are a very strong person to do this by yourself.

    I think you have two different options:
    1. Cutting ties in a straightforward manner. From what I’m reading, you don’t want a confrontation. I personally think this can work out differently. When you say that you don’t enjoy their company anymore, they would most likely say ‘alright, fine’ and not show their feelings. Everyone’s ego gets hurt when you say that you don’t like them no more. They wil keep honor to themself’s and pretend to not care about you stepping out of the group.

    2. Letting the friendship slowly bleed out. If you don’t want to play games, simply give a honest answer when they ask you to join. Tell them that you want to do other things in your free time, work on yourself or anything like that. I would’t recommended to just ignore them, because it than may get awkward when you run into them again and I personally consider that a bit childish. When you say no a couple of times, they will get the message and stop inviting you.

    Best of luck and I would love to hear how you’ve solved this problem in the end.
     
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    Fill up your time with the things and people that you would rather be doing. So you actually have a reason not to hang out with the old friends. Maybe even invite them to show that your interests don't align anymore.
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  4. Muphy

    Muphy Fapstronaut

    252
    10,097
    123
    During my high school, I was an average student. but then I failed in 3 subjects.
    I got new math teacher in class. One day I asked him some doubts and he asked tell me about your friends from class. I mentioned 3-4 names and he replied with one name and said leave his company. From the very day till now, its been more than 10 years I haven't spoken to him. And I think we have very much difference in our life, school grades, colleges we went, career ans well as in our salary. My teacher was a big savior at that time. He saved me from falling further.

    I think if you know that you are in bad company, leave it today itself. Let them think what they want to think.
     
  5. R2DToy

    R2DToy Fapstronaut

    127
    161
    43
    Thanks for your posts guys.

    It took me a lot of time and effort to recover from this depression. I was also physically tired, like with a burn out.

    I did have some help with therapists and such, they helped me in dark times, although I feel I had to and did do most of the recovery myself. In the end, it's you yourself who has got to change your mindset, changing its thinking isn't like turning with a speedboat, it's turning with a cargo ship as it goes very slowly and demands persistence.

    Therapists can give you the tools, but you got to work on it yourself.

    Anyway, these friends weren't helping my situation much, and I've came to realize that almost all of them have serious issues, except that they don't seem to want to overcome them, no matter how much I've tried to help. I just want to move on and be surrounded with more motivational people. I already have some good contacts, but for some reason I barely kept contact with them. I guess I felt I wasn't worthy enough back then when I was depressed plus a feeling of 'loss of connection'. But that was my negativity speaking.

    I keep thinking about calling the most toxic of them all, but for some reason I'm nervous about this confrontation. I probably shouldn't have ignored the calls, but I just didn't feel ready to confront him. I would also not like to be calling him when he's with the others, as he could easily put me on speaker, or at least hear him talk, and I don't want it to be 'them against me'.

    But you know what, if it's going to be like that, if they can't handle this kind of 'goodbye' and are going to be offended by it and get angry then I will know exactly what kind of people they truly are.
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  6. R2DToy

    R2DToy Fapstronaut

    127
    161
    43
    Turns out the group has already kinda fallen apart. I still want to contact that one person since we live in the same town, kinda worried I bump into him and it'll be awkward.

    I want to call him but for some reason I kinda feel terrible for having to tell him how I feel and even am a little scared about this confrontation. Any ideas? Of course I could send a text message or something, but that feels a bit lame. Or am I making it too hard for myself?
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  7. Hey man congratulations for realizing that you have toxic relationships and wanting to terminate them. I myself got rid of a LOT of toxic relationships and it's a necessary step to changing your life

    You're making it too hard for yourself. Listen to what YOU want. From what you wrote it seems that you don't want to send a text or explain yourself, but you feel bad about it. Don't feel bad. You made your choice to move on (this is life). You are FREE to do whatever you want, including not giving any explanation why you don't want to be friends anymore. Do what feels best for you.

    In the example you gave, I would listen to my gut feeling. Do you really want this to drag? Do you really want to explain yourself? Do you even feel you really need to explain yourself? How does it make you feel to have to have this conversation? If he texts you, don't reply. If they insist, tell them you're busy and have plans. If they invite you to hang out, say that you already have plans but thanks anyway. After several turn downs, they'll eventually get it. If they don't get it, tell them you're sorry but you can't hang out anymore. Period. If they still can't get it then it will be THEIR problem, not yours. And they'll have to figure it out themselves.

    It's one of the situations where you have to listen to your feelings, not your thoughts. Unfortunately for many of us we haven't learned to listen to our feelings and take action based on them.
     
    Phast, Roady and Chris_Cactusblossom like this.
  8. omerico2121

    omerico2121 Fapstronaut

    Never had too much of toxicity amongst my friends...
    Anyway it sounds like you need to do this calling for yourself, so you can leave this issue behind and open a new fresh page. For me actually, being too afraid of doing something I don't want to do, is often a sign that I must do it.
    All the best!
     
  9. @HVL85,

    Congratulations for getting yourself out of depression! I think that's one of the biggest achievements anyone can make in life, in the grand scheme of things.

    I'm with @Optimum Fortitude on this. I made the mistake of pussy-footing around leaving my toxic family behind, and I regret it. It's better (and kinder) all round just to cut ties and forget them, otherwise you're leaving the door open to your soul, and the more times you let them back in, the harder it becomes truly to remove them. Plus, it'll be insulting to them that, not only do you not want to hang out with them anymore, but you don't think they're strong enough to handle this fact.

    Focus on what you want, not what you don't want. Let them come to you, and when they do, be honest (even if it feels brutal) and move the hell on to better things!
     
    Roady likes this.
  10. R2DToy

    R2DToy Fapstronaut

    127
    161
    43
    Thanks guys,

    I've not contacted them yet. I do feel as if I need to explain myself, while I also think to myself that I don't have to.

    It's more about any coincidental meeting in the streets that I'm worried about. The reason I avoided contact and didn't respond to phone calls is because I fear a negative response, one of blame and finger pointing.

    It really also feels like I've got 'no good reason' to break off contact, while my feeling tells me that it's not good to be in contact with them. What I am saying is is that I don't really know what to say or how to bring it to them if I ever met them in person again, and that's what worries me, and is even limiting me.

    But I think I'll just text him I think it's best for me to let him know why, even though I shouldn't have to explain myself, I think it's going to save myself from a lot of worries in my head, especially if I were to bump into him or others.
     
  11. Overcoming depression is a great achievement.

    When they call you, tell them you stopped drinking and suggest to them a cafe to meet at to drink coffee or tea or latte.

    Try to help them with their problems.

    Whwn all fails, tell them about Nofap.
     
  12. I think you have a point. Maybe they'll feel bad for being negative and change like the OP.
     

Share This Page