Was is difficult for you to admit that you were addicted?

Until I came to this site and www.yourbrainonporn.com I didn't know it was an addiction. I felt for a while that I wasn't addicted but when I tried to stop and kept relapsing I became convinced that I was. Even though I admit it it can sometimes feel like I have no control over quitting but I am trying my hardest to quit now. For me the toughest part is that I convince myself that I can watch P and not MO, now that I have software to prevent seeing P I am doing much better.

 

At first I thought that it was perfectly normal and "healthy", thinking that I'm preventing cancer with MO (hmm). I've always been training calisthenics since last year and I was actually conscious about how it drains the body, but I continued anyways. But as a person who's always concerned about things in life, I researched a bit about this case.

Came across sites that said you shouldn't do it more than 4 times a week or something or else it's "too much", spent so much time just scheduling this thing ugh. Eventually, it came to a point where I stumbled upon websites saying that you could be addicted to it. Was in a bit of a denial thinking that it's perfectly normal though. Truth: It's real (yourbrainonporn, NoFap), so here I am.

Was it difficult? I kinda just accepted it when I realized the truth.

 

Surely. I was in denial. I knew the act was harming me though. But I wasn't sure that I was so addicted to it. And that the urges cannot be curbed by giving in to them again and again. The urge gets back, and if we give in, act on it each time, that is what cripples us.

 

Before I found this website.I knew that I had a problem but I brushed it to the side for years and I was in denial.It was only when I couldnt last a week without porn and masturbation that I knew I had s serious problem.

 

Not for me. Since 12 years old I knew my behaviour was addictive..

 

I had no idea, I was sure to think it was a release to PMO, some sort of reward. But it began to feel empty a long time ago, I would always feel guilty about having an orgasm. I just realized that I have been denying this addiction by thinking of it as something that got my away from what I thought was my adiction. Is PMO guilty for me feeling lonely and isolated?

 

I was in pretty heavy denial. "I'm normal, who doesn't watch porn?" Stuff like that. Oddly enough I kept running into Facebook articles with stuff like the dangers of porn in a successful marriage, the state of the average college kid and porn, a lot of that. It was like my phone was saying "STOP USING ME TO LOOK AT THIS STUFF." Found the subreddit, and I've been trying to Feb with mixed success.

 

I would try to justify. Telling myself that I should be able to enjoy these things. Now I realize that if I don't stand firm in the fact that I have a problem, things will never get better. It is humbling, but a small price to pay for my recovery.

 

I was in denial for probably the first two years. When you watch porn, you fall into the belief that you can compartmentialize it, and seperate it from your behavior in "real life." But it does not work like that, when the way I used porn started bleeding into my actions and thoughts about women, I knew I could not deny it anymore.

 

I remember growing up at home, I must have known something was not right. I remember the radio had a speaker talking on "preoccupation with masterbation". I sent away for the manuscript of the program that at the end of that talk, they offered the listener to get.

So it was evident I was hooked but did I jump on the pathway of duty and make my life better? No! I didn't.

3rd grade, momma got a call from school that johnnie needs to keep his hands above the desk at all times. Momma's disipline was attacking me with a knife threatening me with castration, if I EVER masterbate again. All I remember getting was a fat lip from the back of her hand. Did I think I had a problem at 8 yrs old? I don't think so.

To compound matters worse, I found a porn novel in parents bedroom, not hard to find. Such a bright, glowing, floresent pocket novel. Curiosity got me and I was hooked, another layer to cover the root character defects even at that age. Still in denial there was any problem.

So, when did I finally figure out that my life was unmanageable, out of control, and that indeed I had an addiction? When the judge put the hammer down and gave me a lengthy prison term. Then and only then did I realize something had to be done.

Today, I introduce myself at CR (celebrate Recovery- 12step program this way...

"Hello my name is John, for the past 19 yrs I've been struggling with the devestating effects of pornography and secret sexual sin. My issues today are guilt and toxic shame."

So here I am in recovery. Taking the steps, focusing on shame. Shame so toxic, that IF you would call me worthless piece of dung, I would agree with such tenacity, it would sound like agreeing with you, trying to convince you of more of my unworthiness.

Just this week alone, I am at that place where I'm beginning to feel that even this recovery crap is triggering my insecurities, wanting to dis-connect, to go run and hide. The raw emotions coming to the surface... This time round, can't rely on my insecurities, must trust the program and allow my sponsor to guide me along this pathway of duty.

I've got a problem, I've got a solution in front of me, I must keep the forward momentum going!!!

Work it, cause I'm worth it!

 

I usedto think it was normal / healthy. Never saw the connection with my mood. At a certain point I realized that being in a constant state of sexual wasn't exhaustion normal. I was too sexually exhausted to have real sex. Then I tried to quit and couldn't. Took many years after before I was able to admit it to a priest and then a therapist.

 

At first it was just a lot of fun. PMO feels incredible. I binged hard and enjoyed it. Then I started to notice some negative side effects and tried to quit but found that I couldn't. I would always end up at a P sight somehow no matter what I went on the computer to do. It was then that I knew I had a problem. It's truly terrifying not being able to control compulsory urges.

 

i knew that my porn consumption was excessive. i started hardmode by myself.

four days later i found this forum, it was crystal clear, i was porn- and sexaddicted.

the most important step: accept that you are pornaddicted!

edit:
accept it and dont judge yourself. try to stop.

 

No , it was very easy for me.