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once you're addicted you're addicted for life

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ahighertruth, Jan 22, 2020.

  1. Jerseyguy1963

    Jerseyguy1963 Fapstronaut

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    You're wrong.

    I say that with love.

    21 years ago, I quit drinking.

    I saw with alcohol what you have seen with porn. I attended SMART meetings to get myself and keep myself sober. The idea of the program is to change your belief, your very deep belief, about alcohol.

    It is not normal to drink. Everyone does not drink. Two out of three people in the United States almost never drinks.

    Facts.

    It just seems like everyone drinks when you spend time with unhealthy people.

    I attended those meeting for seven years.

    People would come in. People would never come back. I knew they had relapsed. In the group many people kept coming back. But, they relapsed. I was becoming convinced that I was facing the impossible.

    But, I kept going. And, I kept working on rewiring my brain and what I believed about alcohol. Over time, I developed a disgust for alcohol. To this day, I make an inadvertent face, a look of disgust whenever I see alcohol.

    I am still sober today.

    I will beat this, too.

    I'm badass like that.

    So, you ask that is the point? I've seen a few wives post here. They tell us they have their husbands back. They have their marriages back. They have their sex lives back.

    So, you say that eventually they will relapse so what's the point?

    The point is simple.

    We only have today.

    The future is an idea. It doesn't really exist. The future never comes.

    Only today exists.

    Every day.

    And, if today is a good day, then today is a victory.

    Those wives are telling us that they are having good days. So are their husbands who are apparently fucking their wives as they deserve to be fucked.

    Is that not a victory?

    For today?

    And, who are you to say that these men are not to rare individual who does the work and gets long-term success?

    It is not impossible.

    I am living proof.
     
    brod2018, Candun, angelpart and 5 others like this.
  2. Hats off, inspiring post.
     
  3. The way I am

    The way I am Fapstronaut

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    That is the worst part.
     
  4. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome Jerseyguy! Definitely inspiring.
     
    Jerseyguy1963 likes this.
  5. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

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    A big reason people go a year or two then act out pm+ is the curse of fixedness. Imagine my friend jed wants to lose fifty pounds because his doctor told him blah blah blah. He exercises and changes his diet and loses sixty in not too long because he has a lot of will power. Now he's sitting pretty, he keeps up with his exercise because he wants to eat candy bars now. For a couple years it all works fine then he gets a promotion and is a lot busier so he exercises a little less. You see where this is going. Nothing wrong with Jed, who cares what he does with his body. For a lot of pm+ users it's no different from losing weight, including the fact that many are able to apply diet exercise etc successfully. But many of us once we hit a goal and feel fixed start looking for how we can have just a little, for example psubs or just plain lust, staring at people and thinking about sex. In my case up until a decade ago I'd never been off pm+ long enough to worry about this question, my longest sobriety (I use that word since I'm in the Porn Addicts Forum, if we're addicts we can be sober and if not what the hell would a non addict be doing in a Porn Addicts Forum?! :) ) was 28 days. Years ago I got sober and stayed that way for a year and change and a big part of my slip ( I use both words slip and relapse to mean the same time thing:any timeI used pm+) was misunderstanding fixedness, thinking it meant I just had to keep doing what I was doing. And I did, I kept doing more and more of my ideas that seemed like what had worked and suddenly "found myself" acting out :)
    I understand this is common with medical diseases, people have symptoms they go to a doctor, take the treatment, get better, go back slowly very slowly to less and less of what helped and more and more of what got them sick. To close family members are prescribed psychoactive medication but do not take them and you can tell :). One of them admits that the meds really help but doesn't like the effect they have on him... Wait what? That's right, he says they have a positive effect and he doesn't like the effect. Both have had major consequences, basically a life of suffering. And I often notice my mind operating like that, not wanting to do what I know from experience helps and feels good, as if there is the feeling inside me that "it doesn't feel good to feel good.".
    The nice thing is I don't have to worry what anyone else does, I don't need to convince anyone of anything I just try to be more conscious and aware in my decisions, more active about "what am I doing and why, what would be most joyous for me and others and then do that to the hilt" rather than try to talk anyone into anything or cajole I can just suit up and focus on whether I'm taking the advice I would give if anyone had asked for it. It's always relevant, there's always a turn around to benefit this human if I look hard enough.
     
    discovery likes this.
  6. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

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    I posted to this topic before but forgot to mention that I have been sober for several years, a few times longer than the one or two mentioned in the op. I'll say again that I too have seen this pattern, I think my response has a lot to do with the question of why people act out, at least one part of a multi faceted jewel of recovery: something stress eaters normal eaters overeaters and food addicts all have in common. But it's also not an answer to the questions posed in the op. Basically who says it needs to go away forever and finally. If there is a solution what do I care if I still have the so called problem twenty years from now? I just apply the solution again, continuously. It's like a lot of medical diseases, take diabetes or kidney failure. They are long term ongoing. No is failed for having days they are just goddamn sick of having the disease and "having" to take the treatment. Of course we don't have to take the treatment, I know one person and know of several others who have refused what their doctors recommended about cancer. Other times they went for treatment, at that time it was with the discomfort in order not to die but later there's an acceptance of the inevitable. What's the point for us? It's ok to be an addict especially if you apply a daily solution, it's ok to be triggered especially if you do what works to move through each one, and it doesn't have to be graceful :). Speaking from my own experience the main thing that hurt when annoying to myself that I was an addict and still sometimes these days when triggered is that pride is what is hurt. Seems like I ought to be better, sounds familiar? I know there's people on this forum who have pushed that idea, I'm glad to be more immune to it each year, less and less having to believe that thought whether it comes from inside my own head or from a pervert on an internet forum (which is what I am just like everyone else here, I cho0se to like that fact and I offer that for your happiness and consideration).
     
    discovery likes this.
  7. SuRvIvOr123

    SuRvIvOr123 Fapstronaut

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    Oh, and all these famous individuals you might hear about (e.g. Gabe, Terry Crews etc..) who openly announce that they have kicked their addiction are telling the truth to a degree. But if any of them happen to relapse, would they tell the world about their failures too? The answer is NEVER. The best one could do is simply intend never to relapse (which is impossible as failure is inevitable), and try to increase the gap between relapses. It's all in the intention.
    But if you abstain to intentionally relapse (like some these nofap streak challenges), you will relapse more often since you intend to reward yourself afterwards will PMO.
     
  8. I don't see why people keep thinking you can kick the addiction in such a short amount of time. Most of us here have been using porn for 5 - 30 years. It's asinine to think you'll break the addiction in a mere 1 or 2 years. What's important is to focus on the recovery process.
     
    Psalm27:1my light and brod2018 like this.
  9. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    I don't think this is true for everyone, but I think it's true for ME. I've been addicted now for over 20 years. Porn was my sexuality when in puberty - I never had a GF or friends. I've been trying to quit for over 2 years and keep failing. When the majority of my life has been spent deep in addiction I honestly feel like that is no hope for me anymore.
     
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My husband is a 40 year addict. He’s been clean a year and a half. He will always be an addict but he can choose to be one in recovery or one who is acting out. There is always hope. However, you need to understand you can’t do it alone, you need help.
     
    DyingStar likes this.
  11. MrYang29

    MrYang29 Fapstronaut

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    it can be done.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  12. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I agree I need help but sometimes I don't know where to turn. I've posted on this group in the past. I've been participating in a chat room to quit my specific fetishes but the people there don't respond much and keep relapsing over and over so I haven't found it too helpful How was your husband able to do it?
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Have you tried sa/saa groups? My husband says they are integral to his recovery. He goes to 3 a week. He also has been in counseling with a csat, but that can get expensive, we can afford it but many cannot. In my husband favor, he understands addictions, as he is an expert in drug recognization, ie: people under the influence. So literally within a month of discovering that porn was an addiction, he not only started counseling specifically for that but also got into sa group. I think the reality of why he had never been able to stop hit him in the face! The irony of an expert not seeing his own addiction!
     
    DyingStar likes this.
  14. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    I have thought about SAA and seeing a therapist for well over a year, but have always been ashamed to go. It can also be hard to find a good therapist. I have seen therapists in the past for depression and anxiety issues (but it's been over 5 years since I've gone). I have seen several different therapists, but only mentioned my porn addiction to one. Her response was to just say "well then stop looking at porn" and then moved on. This was some time in 2014 and I already knew I was badly addicted of course and wanted to stop looking, but her response was just cold and I didn't find it helpful at all. Part of my problem and I guess shame is that I'm not addicted to normal sex scenes, but I mainly addicted to "female domination and related genres" "humiliation" and "financial domination" - very specific. I guess it's just an extra layer of shame that makes it hard for me to bring it up with anyone. I was actually on the SAA site now and I saw there are some national teleconference meetings so perhaps I will start calling in to those to see how it goes.

    I've known I was addicted for very long, read about this addiction's effects on my brain and understand a lot of what I've done to myself and why I keep going back. I just still haven't been able to beat this.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  15. kyumie

    kyumie Fapstronaut

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    It's true that this addiction will stay.
    But on the other side: It does motivate you to continue on when you keep thinking about porn itself.

    Good thing is when you are advancing you can keep it more in control.

    It's modern nature that in this also plays a big part.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    We went through 4 therapist (all knowledgeable in marriage counseling and depression ) before we found a csat who really knew what the addiction was and about and how to get into recovery.
     
    DyingStar likes this.
  17. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    If you need help with findom addiction please PM me.
     
  18. Can you not read? There is a success story section on forums.
     
  19. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    It's not all or nothing. A year or 2 pmo is not a waste of time - yes, not even if you relapse hard and go back to the way you were. During those 2 years you will have experienced more energy, better focus, better studying, better career, better relationships and better sex.

    A month, even a week clean, is also a great achievement. You will start to feel the kind of sexual energy that you have dulled in yourself, perhaps for years. Also you will have begun to have an understanding of your triggers, what makes you addicted and what you find challenging in the 'sober' life. You will have also gained quite a lot of time, depending on what your usual habit consists of.

    Making it to the end of today without pmo is also an achievement to be proud of. Do you want to drift through life ruled by compulsions and addictions, or would you like to take control? Every act of self control is flexing the most important muscle you have, the one that determines what you do with your precious time on Earth, what you stick to and what you become good with. Passion might make you start projects, but it's discipline that makes you carry on.
     
  20. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! People seem to think if you relapse after years, it negates all the good you did by staying away for years. It does not. Those years were better spent than they would have been had you just continued with porn. Also hopefully you will be better equipped to come out of it because it has no longer become a daily fix.
     

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