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Moments in time... my journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by GID2020, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Yes, I agree 100%!

    As far as the discord channel I tried out the channel for women and while Jagliana was very nice I got a o_O face from another participant after I posted something. Seemed like a place to bash men.. no thanks. Don't know how the men's channel is but I let my husband know about it already and he can decide if it's for him.
     
    Psalm27:1my light and JustADude like this.
  2. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Thanks for writing that. Sometimes I think the spouses on nofap are OK with excessive addict shaming. I try to not let it bother me because I think that women are different in how they need to vent and heal compared to men. But, it worries me that support groups might lengthen the healing process through unhealthy and negatively reinforcing addict bashing.

    The men's channel hasn't had any woman bashing since I joined... it is pretty laid back... just supportive. It is probably easier for us addicts to keep our cool because we aren't the recipients of our spouse's misdeeds.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2020
    GID2020 likes this.
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I hope that wasn’t me?! If it was just know that I don’t intentionally post faces sometimes they just appear and I’m not sure why because I suck so much with my phone!! About the “ men” bashing, I’ve found that certain people do seem stuck in “ victim “ and unable to move past it. I think maybe it has to do with feeling powerless to change their situation. I’m not sure. I think too, although we share similar experiences with our husbands having an addiction, we are all married to different men. If I had to deal with someone who was going to escorts and I felt I couldn’t leave, maybe I too would be bashing! Idk. You have people in varying degrees of trauma, some are further in their healing than others. I kinda skim over the “ man haters”.....
     
    JustADude likes this.
  4. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    No problem. I would agree with that statement as well.

    I think that's why I'm not reading as many posts on here as I was in the beginning.

    I'm glad to hear the men's channel is supportive. That's really great.:)
     
  5. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    No, it wasn't you.:)

    Yeah. I understand that is probably the case. I would prefer to not surround myself with that kind of negativity.

    Good idea!
     
  6. Hello @GID2020 , just wondering how you're doing?
     
    GID2020 likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I think she left the forum.
     
  8. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Hi @hope4healing. You're so sweet to check up on me. Everything is going really well. I don't have much time to write today but I will try to sit down soon and write out my thoughts. I hope that you are doing well and I appreciate you asking how I am. ❤
     
  9. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    It's been a long time since I've written on here! So much has happened! I will write out more later but I wanted to say that I never forgot your kindness on here @hope4healing. I hope that you are doing well!:emoji_heart: This time I will actually write something, lol. I see that I said I was going to before and I didn't. I don't like to not keep my word! Will type out a much longer post ASAP. :)
     
    you_can_UK and hope4healing like this.
  10. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    So, it's definitely been awhile since I last wrote in this journal. I was just thinking about it the other day and wondering if it would be a good idea to go read what I had written..to see if I had made progress. In my opinion, I have. While I can recall the woman who wrote out the first journal entry, I am more an observer now of that time period than I am a person actually going through all of that. Things have definitely changed in my marriage and for myself... But of course one thing that hasn't changed is that kids and the dog keep me busy so I should go take care of them right now since apparently they are all in need of something. lol. So probably will have to wait until tomorrow to write more!
     
    you_can_UK and hope4healing like this.
  11. Hey! It's so great to hear from you! I am happy to know that you're no longer a person "actually going through all of that" stuff in your first post. It's great when you can look back and see progress. I'm looking forward to your update. ♡
     
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  12. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you!❤️ I obviously don't know you in real life but I can tell by the way that you write that you are very kind, patient and intelligent. I hope that things are going well for you.❤️

    This place brings up a lot of mixed emotions. I think it was helpful in the beginning to talk to and read about people who were going through similar things. That definitely made me feel less alone. I remember reading all of the journals of SO's on here because I had no idea that porn addiction was an actual thing and I was relieved to know that I was not crazy for being upset about the fights that were happening within my marriage surrounding pornography. It's always nice to know that you're not crazy. lol. I will always be grateful to the people on here who reached out and were kind and understanding. But this place obviously brings up a lot of sadness and anxiety that I was feeling back then. I'm happy to say that I have a different approach to porn addiction now, and to addiction in general, that I didn't (and probably couldn't) have back then.

    So, I guess I should start with why I stopped writing. It was definitely covid related. It was a much bigger problem then my husbands PA to me. It was a very stressful time but it did pave the way for my husband and I to be around each other a lot. Which in our case, worked to our advantage because we actually love each other very much. He had to start exclusively working from home too and that changed how we felt about our home. IF he was going to be working from home then there would need to be a space for him to do so. In the summer of 2021 we were able to find a bigger home in the same school district that our kids go to school that has an office for him and more space for our family. We are in the process of renovating it now and that has been a lot of fun to do together.

    As for what has been going on with PA, my husband admitted to relapsing a few times in 2020. However, he did not admit it to me when it happened. It came out later in the fall of 2020. I would not call this a D-day though because I don't even remember the date and I didn't take it the same as the previous D-day's. Believe me I was still pretty pissed about it but mostly because we talked about being honest with each other and how that if he wanted to overcome the PA that he would tell me the truth. After his confession we decided that we would need to really have some better boundaries in place so that if that happened we would know how to handle it. So far it has not happened. But beyond that what has become clear to me is that the most important thing for him is to discover why he does self destructive behavior. And for me it's been untangling myself from ever feeling like the PA had ANYTHING to do with me. That has been a very important part of this process. My husband and myself were both damaged before we met. I'm not going to take on his PA like something that I did caused it, contributed to it etc.. I find myself being much more an observer of my feelings now instead of reactionary.. if that makes sense.

    I have more to write but I have some work to do first. I think I will write out more about the relapse and what that meant to me and how we handled it later today!
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    This is so awesome. I think relapses are actually important for both partners. It teaches us something. To think/believe that a lifelong addict will just quit or know how to quit without making a mistake ( reset, relapse) is in my opinion wishful thinking, lol. It has taken my husband a lot of work, therapy, and reset/relapse to get to where he is at. Having watched him, witnessing a completely different man has really shown me how deeply he does love me in spite of his addiction. That being said, I will never go back to before. Life is so much easier with him clean.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Glad to know that you are still going strong with your husband!❤️ I also remember how kind and helpful you were to me and I hope you know how much I appreciated that!
     
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  15. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    So I was going to talk about the past today but I thought I'd talk about something that just happened instead. Last night my husband (I'm just going to say C from now on) were talking about whether or not we were going to watch another show because it was 10pm. C said something like; "Well, we can't do anything else so we may as well just watch another show". He was just teasing me because I always say that when I get my period, that we can't "do anything fun" so I didn't think anything of it. We watched another show and went up to bed. When we got into bed and were all cuddled up like we always are, he said "I wanted to say sorry for saying that earlier. I don't just think about us having sex in bed. I like talking and holding you just as much". I was tired so again I just said for him to not worry about it because I genuinely didn't think anything of it. But this morning I was thinking about how that is a great change in mindset for an addict and that it must have meant something significant to him and it does to me as well. He didn't want me to feel bad about something he did/said. I mean I honestly don't believe he has ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. Even if it may have felt to me like he was at the time. But last night he had the realization that this could potentially hurt my feelings and he wanted to make sure that I understood that he was just teasing me. I haven't had a chance to mention this to him but I think I will tonight. It's interesting what can happen when you change your mindset and I believe that he and I both have.

    Anyway, I have a little time so I will write about the past a bit. After the relapses we did have a lot of great conversations about why they happened and what we could do as a couple for each other to either prevent them or discuss them in a more constructive way if they did. As I said there hasn't been any relapses but I don't think that this means that C is cured or anything and he certainly doesn't think that either. We discuss the fact that for him the porn was distraction or a habit and that while he has not indulged in that bad habit or distraction he still doesn't feel like he has necessarily replaced it with more productive behavior. I disagree with this because I can see how hard he works at his job, on the house and on helping me with dinner and with the kids. As a husband, father and friend I definitely think he has improved but fundamentally I think he still feels like he is not good enough. Which is interesting to me because that's what I used to say to myself about the PA. But I DO NOT feel that way about myself now and I will not allow myself to feel that way again.

    I'm not sure if I can describe how I came to be a lot more zen. lol I still have my moments of course.. I remember specifically thinking that if something every happened to C that my first thought would not be about his PA. It would be that I would not want to lose my best friend.

    I realize that many people think they can't survive this as a couple and there are even very grim statistics about it but I just don't care about that. No one can tell me that I can't figure something out. I'm way too stubborn to ever listen anyway. lol. I've changed my mindset. I'm not a victim and C is not the villain. We both came to the relationship with baggage and I'm proud of us for how far we've come. I'm still acknowledging that we still have a ways to go but that is because we should always be moving forward towards a goal of being the best versions of ourselves.
     
  16. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    Profound. The last paragraph contains such a deep insight. It is the most helpful mindset. Not that PA is to be condoned in any manner but to have a sense of bigger picture is helpful in this journey. Wonderful to see two people communicating, learning, and healing! Wish you well! :)
     
  17. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Amen to that!

    I think it is natural early in a marriage for us married folks to think we were supposed to get through a lifetime of companionship without serious issues. But, as the years pile on, we eventually learn that we are humans and odds are there will be serious porblems we will have to overcome. The relationship we find ourselves in at the other end of the struggle is different and more special than the relationship we thought we were going to have.

    How many times have I sat in Church and been preached too about forgiveness, compassion, imperfection, empathy, and suffering. The lectures went in one ear and out the other. But now, after going through some seriously difficult struggles with my wife, porn addiction being one of them, the sermons mean so much more to me. If only there were a magic pill I could have taken 20 years ago to open my mind to these things. I look over at my kids during Church and see miniture versions of me... in one ear and out the other.

    10 years from now, my kids will be in the same situations... I guess the journey and all that comes with it, good and bad, is unavoidable.
     
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  18. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! You are very kind!

    Having had this change in mindset has been incredibly helpful. Not just with the PA but with pretty much everything in my life! I'm not perfect but I feel like I am getting to a much better place emotionally. Working on myself will only help to strengthen my marriage as well.
     
    you_can_UK likes this.
  19. That's lovely and one of most pragmatic ways to deal with self and with relationships.Best wishes to you both.
     
    GID2020 likes this.
  20. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    This is SO true!❤️
     

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