Progress?

Hey @JBc79, welcome to the forum. Congrats on making it to 4 weeks P free!

Your post echoed a lot of the same feelings that I've felt during my journey, particularly in the early stages. It's difficult to finally feel the full force of the negative effects of your actions and the shame that comes with it. In some ways it's a positive that you are feeling like you are, it shows that you are actually remorseful and it's a very powerful motivator for getting and staying clean.

A big thing that kept me motivated was staying focused on the person that I could be without my life being ruled by PMO. Focus on being the husband that your wife deserves. Obviously this can be a challenge but you have to prove to both her and yourself that you are capable of change.

You have two options right now which are either to give up and stop fighting, or to throw everything you have into this. You have to accept that there's a very real possibility your wife will leave you but if you give up now the battle is already lost.

I highly recommend you make a journal on here and post in it regularly. Considering sharing it with your wife as well, for me it's been really useful to talk about the recovery process together. Your wife will also be going through her own recovery process and likely feeling a hefty dose of betrayal trauma. It's important that you try and support her as best you can.

Best of luck on your journey!

 

Hi JBc, from what I read you are really confused by all this. If it helps, I have some thoughts for you.

There is this dutch saying I like a lot: a cat in the dark makes weird leaps (sounds really funny to translate this).
But the point is, when we are desperate our brains don't work well and we make bad decisions. So when you are confused and desperate, first thing is to get to a place where you are doing better. So you can look at the situation better. I like car rides and day trips for talking. Sometimes the kitchen can be good too but definitely not with alcohol.

You and your wife need to learn about pmo addiction. You are not alone, it is a huge, global problem. And in general not very much understood. It is not a lack of character, it is an addiction like an alcohol addiction and it needs roughly the same treatment. The good news is, you can recover and the damage can be undone.

Be supportive towards each other. You are both traumatised but admitting this is also the first step towards recovering from it. Don't say or do desperate things. If a thought sounds desperate, it is probably wrong. Ignore it.
Supporting also means being patient. Recovery takes a long time. I quit p nearly 2 years ago and though the addiction is gone, I'm still recovering.

Avoid laser vision on this addiction. Sure it needs attention and treatment but there is more to life that needs your energy, love and attention. While beating this addiction, celebrate life together and you can get through this.