Married 36 years old aiming for a change

Hi everyone,

So far thank you for all the useful threads and stories so far. It feels so great to know I'm not alone in this dark world of porn.

I started watching porn at 13-14 something like that, started to watch porn on late night, then dial up internet connection (most nudes of celebs) then hardcore on fast connection lines. Had a girlfriend when I was 17 and had some serious problem with her due to porn (as I figured out now). A lot of jealousy issue due to my insecurity and the feeling my cock was not big enough in comparison to pornstars. I had some ED issues already back then and probably this was PIED that have been an issue ever since. Some periods I was not able to get an erection at all for weeks (but when watching porn it worked) this left me with insecurity to date girls. However, most of the times I could get an erection and have intercourse but always afraid it would't last as long as I wanted. Never rock hard as when I was young, so avoided sex when I had to stand up. Had a couple of gf (3-4) and all of my relationships were troubled with jealousy issues due to my insecurity. I wanted more and more hardcore sex to feel it was meaningful thing to do with my partner (bdsm, more extreme toys). I'm well educated, phd and possess a high position in my career. PMO was my way to struggle with anxiety during university, did it easily 2-4 times a day/night to coop with my studies and all the stress. It made me feel calm, and keep my mind elsewhere to escape from all the pressure. It become a lifestyle. Now married 2 children, and during periods of stress I use PMO to coop with it. Never got any of these "high feelings" from exercise, probably due to my dopamine system was already boosted due to porn. The longest abstinence from PMO since I started when I was a teenager is maximum 10 days. Never felt any need to change it. Sometimes when I'm off working in another city I'm alone and indulge even more in PMO and then feel awful afterwards. Sometimes I do it for half the night and then feel tired and irritated the next day. No "feel good" emotions during the day, but when I know that I can PMO in a few hours after wife went to bed I feel "happy" since I know I will get a reward.

Latley, last couple of years, I need even more perverted porn to get aroused (want to see my partner with other men, or talk about other men in order to O) I watch other couples N pics and want my wife to do the same (I somehow got it wrong and in my world it is natural do do this instead of understand that the porn was the evil thing that made this a normal scenario and way of handle it). I thought I had a high sex drive and my wife never met my demands why I justify my behavior with PMO. I kept distancing myself from my wife and family and avoided touching her and get into intimate situations with her. I never understood why, but now probably because sex with her was not as good as watching all the endless porn out there (and stuff that she never would agree to do). My behavior also changed, that I kept further distancing, sometimes it was better to have an argue so you could do the PMO without her judging you since you were having an argue about something meaningless.

Now my relationship is really threatened and she have told me it is due to porn (since I somehow admitted it is not good for my relationships) and she read a book and told me about this place. I read a lot and I'm convinced this is the right pattern to walk in order to change my behaviour. To get more energy be more confident and start to get turned on by my partner and enjoy sex on a higher level.

I'm worried about the urges to fall into relapse, but this time I'm more mentally convinced and positive to transform into a better me. I'm worried about the sex with her, how do you guys do living with a partner? Do you avoid all sexual activity with your partner (including not satisfy her with touching, oral?) or do you do intercourse only with your partner?

Any tips to get this going on the right way is welcome. I hope to get all the support here and looking forward to do my best

/ a new friend

 

Thank metis08 and geekpie for your support.

day 2: was at work , LOT of pretty girls hard not seeing them as sex objects. Tried my best to stop Using my old wires and had a picture of a watch to stop thinking about sex... worked.

damn i start to feel the urge to relaps but i want fuck no!!! I Will beat this shit!

wife is supporting me!!! Very useful in deed

Keep up folks

 

Day 4

today was good no craving for pmo

 

Thank you Sir and for your time to spend on me and the kind words about my better half

 

Day 9 so Easy!!! Less foggy brain more hardons in the morning love it!!! Been talking daily Cold swims in the ocean!!!!

 

Hi there thanx for Wise words!

today is day 13 hard mode

noticed very hard n long morning Woods! Nice feeling

 

Day 15 hardmode Nice long erections hard as hell. Soon going to travet working n stay at hotel (use to be my fap time) hope i Will resist

 

Update guys!

Fuck fuck fuck. So i made it hardcode 18 days. Then I went away to work for 5 days. Started before I left that I and wife took a shower, I hade very much improved erections, very hard and hard fast. I satisfied her orally and she sucked on my cock for like 1. min . Then the next day I was soooo horny. I started watch blogs bikini girls,,,,, then I started to watch nude girls pics, then I was like "whatever I already watch nudes and jerked off so I can do the porn also" so I did, MANY hours like 4-5 hours for 2 days. I jerked off (never came) and I jerked off so much until my cock was unable to get hard. Then I realized the huge difference without PMO (very hard, fast) to the opposite. I did not feel the "high on serotonin" feeling as I used to, rather dull after some time. was just nice feeling the precum edging. however when I came home I was a mess (my brain is still not foggy, feels like fogginess is due to after cumshut" but I felt very jealous. After watching a lot of threesome, cuckold, hot wife stuff I was extremely jealous with my wife and very angry and edgy. A total asshole. I realised that this porn make you to an jealous angry asshole.

The following things I realized.
1. The "high" feeling was not as good as I thought, rather dull
2. Yes the erections was hard and it was very nice to edge VERY nice and I felt I could realise a huge load.
3. The anxiety, feeling depressed and disappointed after the porn and jerk off was terrible, absoultuley terrible and it was NOT worth it.
4. No cumshot and I did not have the foggy feeling in my head. I think cumshot causes foggy head.
5. I was edgy, jealous and an asshole after watching porn and was very angry with my wife for minor things.
6. I wanted to have sex with her but she said no since she said I have to reset and she was not very keen on sex due to my behavior. This made me more angry.

The question is. After you have done hard mode PMO and u feel strong, healthy, good erections, morning woods (this is already back now after this 2 days back to hardmode, so it feels I'm not on square 1 but just a couple of days back) then it is maybe better to have sex with wife and release the cumshot in her vagina than just edge and get horny and end up in the dark porn world again?

Any thoughts?