HOCD ANXIETY >>>>HELP NEEDED

Im struggling with almost same situation.As you said im addicted to straight porn,yes i watched ts porn but i feel very very disguisted after.And it attacks when im lonely or depressed its very weird.I dont know what to do either.

 

Disgusted?
Could u please elaborate on your feelings before and after the porn watching session?

 

The brain is always changing.
You are not gay for sure.
The mistake you are doing is that u r working on the wrong end of the equation without addressing the root cause(s).
You need to heal your trauma and your inner wounds to start enjoying life.

And also know yourself. Know yourself and you will win all battles.

Meditate - do breathwork - and exercise.
Write down on a piece of paper 15 times a day:
I have a healthy self esteem.

Good luck

 

You are on the right track.
Pray every day: God , reveal me to me.
You are fighting the outcome. you have to let go of expectations and accept what is. When you ask a question, you have to listen without judgment.
If there is an early trauma, i suggest EMDR therapy with a skilled psychologist.
With all your disciplines, it may take a few months - years but eventually you will get there.

 

My advice is to not let this get to you anymore than it has.
I went through a situation like this as do most people do
It just goes to shows that how simple thoughts like these can make people be very insecure about their own sexuality, if you were gay you wouldn't have thoughts like theses, and instead be accepting of it Simple as that.

 

All thoughts are normal.
What is giving them power is the resistance you are creating against them.
What you resist persists.

 

Exactly, it is perfectly fine. Just don't feed these thoughts anymore or else your anxiety about it will get worse!

 

Getting anxiety over something you absolutely know is not true is more an issue of poor self-esteem, not being gay, and poor self-esteem can easily be a source for needing addiction.

 

Low self esteem could be addressed with some trauma healing as well as written and verbal affirmations

 

I delt with that for about two months last year. What happened, for the first time ever, I was about to hook up with a girl and my buddy down there wasn't ready. That next week my thoughts were flooded with questions as to why it had not worked. I made the mistake of asking myself if I was gay and even watched gay porn to see if I got a reaction. I work at a gym and there's a lot of girls. However during that period of time I would look at guys not to check them out but to test myself and see if I would react in person. I never did but even then that wasn't enough. I dont know if you've heard of the kissing test but I would do that and pass and even then that wasn't enough. I continued to PMO to straight porn but would check up gay porn other times to test. I wasn't into it but it wasn't enough. So I went through it.

How I felt with it will probably sound hard to you as does many tips and advice but I'll try to be as detailed as possible for you to understand. The magic formula is... stop thinking so much about it.

So here what you do, first yeah, I get it, you question and test yourself but let's be honest, when you read stories of people who actually are gay, they say they actually have feeling for the other sex. Not only that but the talk about a childhood that when they look back at they see a gay young boy. I dont think that is your case. Second is that when you first started watching porn you know you wished you were the guy banging the girl. I remember how I started to watch lesbian porn and solo girls because it grossed me out to think that I was jacking off and there was a penis in the picture and sometime it would zoom in on it. That was a turn off. If you can relate, then bro, you're not gay. Last is this, once you come up with affirmations that you know you can't make up an excuse for or ones that are clearly proof that you are not gay, you need to stop worrying about it so much. The above are my affirmations and you can probably relate to them or create new ones.

However, to stop worrying about it, like I said I know it's hard to "just stop worrying about it". But the key is this. Think about a time where you went through something emotionally that you have recovered from. Perhaps a break-up, perhaps a big grudge, a time of depression (not a current struggle) or a time of anxiety (not current struggle). But for example, I went through a week of deep deep depression. I remember car rides where I would just want to sleep, working and just trying to hide all day, going home and going to sleep. Trust me it was a very emotional time where I for the first time understood what depression was. I was depressed about my pp not working. Sound stupid but trust me, it was bad. After about a week or two, I was back in the game hooking up with girls and it went away. And that is what I referred to above when I told you I had developed HOCD. And the depression went away but the HOCD stayed. What I did was that I began to think about that period of depression and how the state of my mind is way better now. I began to call back those difficult times and think, "wow I'm here now, healed from that struggle". That's what got me to think, this HOCD is just one more struggle. I know I worry about it now but I know I'll eventually get through it. And that's what happened. I struggled with it for a weeks more but before I knew it I wasn't even thinking about it and I knew my identity. Thank God, I haven't had that problem since. It's been over a year. I'm 22.

You're fighting to battles right now.
A. You're battling HOCD (questioning yourself)
B. You're battling to keep thoughts of HOCD out
Stop fighting the second battle. Trust me, if you've made it through other emotional struggles, this will just be one more to look back at in the future.

Hope this was of some help.

 

never been interested in men but HOCD makes me think i am attracted to all men and tricks me into thinking i like sex with the same sex when is disgusts me

 

same here with ts/transwoman... interesting... now im on streak but me it always attacked when i didnt do a good job or when i was overwhelming myself with perfection or ocd, or not feeling good (skillfull, intelligent) enough and then huge urges came... i dont remember how it was with straight-porn which i have watched years before

i also developed hocd (have had OCD itself some time in life), especially when i quit porn and MO now interestingly... i watched once gay porn out of curiousity but felt nothing, only transwoman (and straight)... but there is alway this feeling, what if... had/still have problems with low-self-esteem as mentioned above this could be also my problem...

yeah i think its a good advice to not fight the thoughts but to accept them... meditation helps me to just observe the thoughts, not identify with them (your thoughts are NOT YOU, they come because experienced events in the past/present), not to jump on them and let them carry you away, but not fight them - and VERY IMPORTANT: not to feel bad if you do fight them (try to accept everything what happens outside and in your mind) - then they will go away one day

 

So earlier into quarantine, I did struggle with the thoughts of "what if I had a sexual encounter with another man" and it scared me. But like I said I dont struggle with HOCD anymore. But because i got into all that transgender porn the next level of shock was another man. I feel that you just need to understand that porn has scrambled you mind. Porn messed you up. You have to know and understand that that is not you. I feel like it's one thing to feel that you are gay and another when you understand you are not gay but feel sexually aroused by the though of being with same sex.

If i asked you "seriously, are you gay" I feel your answer would be "no" and not "idk". Your not gay, I get it. If I asked you does the thought of same sex sex kinda turn you on, I feel like you would say "I mean, i guess, sometimes, but I dont think I'm gay". Ok, welcome to an understanding that porn fd your brain up. In these last three months of trying to quit I've had struggles with the arousal of straight porn, trans porn, gay porn, bdsm, joi, cei, crossdressing, toys. It's like now that I'm trying to quite these all got stronger. But I know im not gay, and i know that the reason i feel sexual arousal towards all these is because i got off to them at some point. And you know what's the craziest of all, once you get off to it, you feel grossed out if it's not in line with your identity. I would test myself after I came, would I still watch transgender, gay, cei, etc porn, no. But i dont feel gross towards a beautiful girl on the screen.

So honestly bro. I have nothing else for you from my journey, only that yeah you have to affirm yourself and slowly but surely stop worrying and yes, blame it on porn. Had it not been for porn you would not be struggling like you are, like we all are.

Read these articles.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...-on-the-user/can-you-trust-your-johnson-2011/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/is-my-fetish-porn-induced/

 

Before i dont think much i just need to satisfy and i never directly opened ts p i came across and i opened it.this happened max 4 times after i came i feel very very bad because i dont desire a man or ts and it makes me feel very bad and disgusted