Desperately need to understand

I think this will be unique for everyone. So I am going to my why, and I can’t be sure it will relate to your husbands. However, there are common patterns you can spot.

For me, it was a mixture of avoidance/escapism and a bit of “getting high.” Generally, I was leaving a real life with problems to one where I was constantly experiencing the “high.”

That behavior eventually creates a habit or addiction. Once you have that addiction, it’s very hard to stop.

Look at how many people are on here trying to stop. They say they don’t want to PMO, yet they still PMO. It’s really an interesting phenomenon. And this includes me.

I don’t want to watch porn or have any other negative sexual addiction, but it is hard to stop. I have been at it for 6 years. I am much stronger and healthier than 6 years ago, but my brain can still fool me and make me think I need porn.

You’re brain creates stories and ideas. It beats your guard down. It’s as if it’s opposing you.

Similarly, porn will make your husband less attracted to you. A brain cannot look at 1000 naked women per day and still appreciate the beauty in front of him.

A porn addicted brain looks at a person for 30 seconds and then moves to the next. Do note, this changes rapidly in recovery. At least for me it did.

At a later stage in recovery, I would say I am not thinking. Maybe it starts with a compulsive urge to google image something. Your brain says just one. Then it escalates.

Eventually, it escalates far. Having this mindset, I don’t think as an addict I think about much more than Whatever is right in front of my eyes at that moment.

Porn really fucks with your brain. It steals your attention, time, and emotions.

My best recommendation is support your husband constructively. Assuming he sees the problem and wants to get better, help him. (I know you may already do this, but I am treating this as if you’ve never been here before)

If you both recognize the problem, I’d say the next step should be making a detailed recovery plan. I recommend attending sex addicts anonymous, reading books, and building new habits. Build this all into a plan, and support him.

Beyond that, it’s up to him. You’re allowed to have needs and you’re not bad or wrong for drawing a line and saying there’s a point where you don’t cross back over it.

I just say give a structured recovery a chance. Adding a social aspect such as SAA changes everything. Shoot, you could even tell him to hop on here and meet some people to hold him accountable.

If you have more questions or would like to talk, PM me.

 

Hi
I have no smart think to say, feel your pain. Im also in pregnang and my husbans just relaped and the told me he has been aktive a year...
I send you all cyber suport i can find!

 

It was primarily about escaping my life. Effectively the high was the only way I thought to do it at that time. Obviously I didn’t think rationally.

While there is some aspect to the high being related to women or sex, it’s not focused on that. Sexual stimulation is powerful for humans so we’re motivated to reproduce. That makes it an effective way to get high.

 

I have experienced this to some degree, but no where as extreme as I feel your husband is.

For me, I just noticed less sexual desire with my significant other. Honestly, my brain kinda felt fried. It needed to turn off and desensitize itself.

Sensitization may play a big role here. Let me explain: on top of women/sex, porn has a power dynamic aspect and a shock aspect. Probably tons more too.

The power dynamic relates to you can find a women willing to do anything you want all the time. Real people have emotions, limits, needs, and more. This makes porn seem better in the short run. It makes you feel in control. In reality, you’ve lost all control.

The anxiety is related to how porn users continue to seek more extreme material. Over time, anxiety becomes tied to sex. Some people actually can be aroused by pain or anxiety etc.

Anyway, all of this comes back to normal people don’t stimulate a brain in the way extreme porn does. Not even the way regular porn. If you stimulate your brain until it’s desensitized, normal things don’t get it going anymore.

 

Just to give you my perspective as well. For me, I've used porn to comfort myself since I was 12 years old. It smooths over the rough patches. It was always there for me, it never rejected me, and so often for me I will fall because I feel some form of rejection. Porn is always accepting. Let's say I lost my best friend and he hates me now, who would I go to? The porn that accepts me and gives me a crazy high that helps me forget the pain for at least the next moment. The issue is that it starts to become worse and worse. First it's losing my best friend, next it's when someone cuts me off in traffic, or someone has a less than kind remark. It's an inability to cope with life and the rejection I face even in the little ways.

The thing is, it's not healthy because I can't ever expect another human being to be there for me perfectly, and rejection is just part of life, I have to be okay with those emotions. But a 12 year old doesn't know that, and in many ways for me I'm acting out of my 12 year old brain and how he would respond to life when I go to porn. Really, I think finding my comfort in God has been my greatest need not in how someone else is feeling.

I see it as a high I get from dopamine. It's the reason people do drugs, watch porn, get drunk. They want that dopamine/serotonin hit. They want to feel good. And yes, it leaves them in the gutter, and full of shame, but give it a couple minutes or hours and they'll start craving another hit. I think it's both where you're looking to numb out, and not only will you numb out the hard emotions or just waves of emotions in general but you will also get this nice dopamine high at the same time. And sometimes it's the chase, looking for the clip that will give you that next extreme high, often the high comes from the search, the potential for your brain to get an ultra high from porn.

Our orgasm is meant to draw a husband/wife together, but porn is the one we've been going to for the past however many years, and so our relationship is really strong because that path is well worn. Often it's been around longer than the relationship with one's spouse and it never rejects you or has any type of negative emotion, it gives you exactly what you want. And yet, it's killing us and everyone we know and love.

 

I answered a similar question, "what did I get out of watching porn?", in a journal post here:

I don't know if that helps you @BB85.

The other discussion that may be relevant is an old one I had with @SpouseofPA about the difference between fantasy and planning. When I would fantasise about an attractive woman I saw, and imagine her undressing, that did not mean I wanted it to happen in real life. Most of us are able to draw a distinction between an enjoyable fantasy and something that we actually want to happen. The example I gave was about a car:

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