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Habits that helps, what steps to take?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Sootie, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

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    Hi

    I'm interested in what new habits you have started and what steps you have taken to defeat your addictions. (Im one OS and trying to help him because he is father of our child)

    Right now:
    - When i found out i kicked him out so he has had some real consequences of his actions.
    - After some days he confessed to me and to his parents and told them about the addiction.
    - He has started to talk to therapist, one meeting so far, (Not a specialist just the first he could find)
    - He is now reading in a book called the 12 steps and is about addiction
    - He has reached out to a organisation where you can have a sponsor who helps you deal with your addiction and behavior.
    - He is thinking about starting to exercise, like running and going to the gym.
    - He has found a podcast about this that he has started to listen to.

    Plan:
    - He is planning on finding some hobby or something that distracts him
    - Stop using phone with internet
    - Not use the computer home alone (maby)
    - See more of his friends and build social life
    - He is trying to take care of me, has guild over the nightmare and trauma he put me in.
    - The therapist has told him to start a daily journal.
    - Find a specialist therapist

    Can you recommend other things? Books, podcasts, articles, or what ever in the world that may help him beat this or makes it easier?
     
    fredisthebes likes this.
  2. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    Hello - it's great that you are trying to help him out. Hobbies are good - perhaps he has an old hobby that he would like to take up again? Taking up something truly new can be very rewarding, but can sometimes be rather frustrating too. Something outdoorsy or physical is best, but anything is fine - cooking, home decorating and DIY, even gaming can be suitably distracting - perhaps on a system that is not connected to the internet, just to be on the safe side!

    Also he should stop thinking about exercise, and just do it! :)

    What does he do for a living? Unless it is something at a laptop at home, focussing on work for a bit can be a great way to both keep your mind clean/distracted and feel better about yourself (which is very important right now - he doesn't want to start wallowing in self pity). Even getting an evening/weekend job can be good - something hard and physical, get rid of all that excess energy that he used to put into you-know-what.

    It's really hard, but please be prepared for him stumbling a few times before he finds success. It's sounds like he is trying his best, but almost nobody succeeds at this the first time of trying. He will get there!
     
    Sootie likes this.
  3. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much four your answer!

    He is a big time gamer. The gaming computer is taken out. But he has one Nintendo switch thing, I don't think it has internett?

    Sadly he works in the computer business and due to Corona he works alone from home with a laptop. :/
    Maybe he can work from the library?

    I know he has relapsed on business trips but i don't know if it was on a work phone or work computer or his own phone.

    I really appreciate your answer and good insight!
     
    r8js likes this.
  4. Unfortunately, the switch is a huge hole in accountability. If does have internet capabilities, and there is a way to access a basic web browser by reconfiguring the connection settings. The web history is not really logged in any accessible way either. This is one of the loopholes my "partner" threw into the mix to avoid honesty. Absurdly, he believed that still using was not going to be noticed without evidence.

    The device can even view youtube videos full screen with a downloadable app. The switch can easily connect to a cell network data plan's internet through a smart phone with a hotspot connection. Essentially making it impossible to determine what was visited on the web.
     
    Real Roboin and Sootie like this.
  5. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

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    Oh, Thanks for the info, I did not know that! You may have saved me from giving really bad advice!
    So no Switch from this day forward!

    Any one know safe gaming thing?
    (I will soon by him one old school Tamagotchi, lol )
     
  6. I remember those!!!

    When you say gaming thing, do you mean for it to be portable or an at home console? It would have to be pre-2015 id imagine. We're talking nintendo ds 1, barring the 3ds which can browse basic web

    If you ask me, though, i really feel that video games are in the same vein of instant gratification and uselessly spent free time (escape), which in theory will only prolong the type of personal development that is the backbone of recovery.

    You are only in the beginning of this, and you may come to find that all the restrictions and protect him from acting out will be easily toppled if he feels like acting out. The real battle is on the inside, where you will have no control over his attitude, outlook, motivations and processes leading up to the choice to relapse.

    What i mean to say is.... It will become very frustrating for you if you think that controlling the external factors enough will determine his successfully beating the addiction. And actually, for some it encourages them more to meet the challenge of sneaking around these barriers. It could put you at odds and add to the betrayal. feeling like he is working hard on circumventing you in efforts to relapse ....with the energy that could have been spent working recovery. The greater the barriers, tphe more time wasted getting around them. If he feels trapped he might act out more especially if it's not his idea to restrict everything. You have to give him the illusion of it being his idea.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2020
    Real Roboin, tavla and Sootie like this.
  7. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    A few things that have helped me:

    - Disable ability to install apps and also turn off all websites except specifically allowed ones. This can be done in screen time or just think child settings. Also, deleting IG, Youtube, FB, Snap, Twitter really helped me.
    - For computers, use covenant eyes. Even on your work computer, as long as IT will allow it. If they don't, they probably already track your web usage so that helps with accountability.
    - For switch/PS4/Xbox you can still use them, you just have to child-proof it. They allow you to set a parent password and disable internet access. You don't have to get rid of it if you can child-proof it and most of them understand that this is a needed feature. My Xbox One had the feature and I'm assuming the switch should as well.
    - Learn your story. And share it with others, he really needs to find someone he can talk to in person every day or at least 5-6 days a week. I really like Marco Polo because you don't have to straight up talk every day, just check-in with feelings and emotions.
    - Do something like the seven pillars course. So good for learning your story. It's a 10 month course and it's pretty rough digging through your past, but it's really good.
    - If you start to see hiding behavior, i.e. taking the phone to the bathroom, turning the screen away from the door, etc, he's probably starting to feel weak or tempted or is falling, and it's time to take a break from electronics.
    - Going for a walk every day is really helpful, just going outside into God's creation and seeing actually beautiful things in real life is really helpful.
    - You can't just quit porn you have to grow in other areas as well. It really helps to start developing healthy habits that you replace the need for porn with.
    - If he doesn't want to change, and get serious about it himself then there really isn't any hope. We can't change people. They have to want to change and give up a lot to beat this. They have to overcome shame, anger, lust, pride, etc. It's not fun to try to beat something you've been addicted to since you were 12 years old.
     
    Sootie and tavla like this.
  8. I think these two points should be his main priority! The daily journal will force him to confront himself with his addiction and the therapist will be such a huge support in the recovery.

    It will take change for him and change takes time. The rewiring of the brain also includes how an addict thinks about his behavior and porn in general. This won't happen over night. It will take quite some time. I don't believe it will help him if he starts just binging information without taking the time to understand it. As soon as he finds a therapist he will get the right information he needs: which books to read and what steps to take. Being able to talk about a journal will be helpful from the first session on! The more information your partner can gather the better prepared he will be for the sessions!

    Concerning the gaming habits, I do have to sadly disagree with the users before me. I think that it will not be benefitial to change from one procrastination (porn) to another (gaming). He should change is routine in all parts of his life! Shifting from one addicitve material to another won't be helpful. It even could cause that he just replaces porn with gaming. I do not say gaming should be forbidden but there should be also a boundry!
     
    Sootie likes this.
  9. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, you are truly wise. I need to stop to control this, it has to come from he's inside nog me pushing,

    Feeling så insecure and wanting to force some fast result. That is wrong.
    I have read your reply several times today and I think my problem is that I believe that in order to save myself I need to make sure that he doesn't relapse, but that's not my job to do.

    I'm glad you helped me figuring this out
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.

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