My experience with pornography and what it has done to me.

Hi fapastronauts!!!

First of all, have a little patience with my grammar since english isn’t my native language. I am new to the community, and I would like to tell my story. Maybe the newer guys are interested in this, plus I'm going through a weird stage (which I think is what everyone calls flatline) on my tenth day without PMO.


Giving a short summary of my life, I started at the age of 13 or 14 years old watching pornography, everything started with images until it evolved from the most vanilla thing to the darkest shit I’ve ever seen. Something interesting that I learned these days is how my consumption of pornography was expanding. The first drastic change I had in my life was when my family and I moved from a small town to the city (where I currently live with my parents). By the time I moved to the new city I was already 14 or 15 years old, and here I started to have very strong emotional changes due to the move. You know, leaving old friends behind and starting a new stage in a new school, just thinking about it, it terrified me. Instead of facing reality by talking to my parents or grandparents, I hid myself in pornography. Here I noticed a big change in my consumption, I started watching video after video without knowing what I was doing to my brain. Years passed and I continued with this old routine, maybe it was not something day after day since there was only one computer in the house, which took turns between my sister and I.

My stay in the city was chaotic the first years, I felt miserable, wasted time playing video games and watching pornography. And so the years went by until finally I could have a very strong connection with a girl that I liked at the time, but due to my insecurities I could never tell her that I liked her. She ended up going to another city because of the university, and the same thing happened to me.
At the university stage I already had a computer of my own, and I was very excited because I was going to study the career I always wanted: Film and digital animation. But once in the race all things went downhill, the fact of moving once again to an even bigger city excited me and terrified me at the same time, so I ended up going to pornography to "alleviate" that pain. This time I noticed excessive consumption, and I began to notice that the content I was looking, it was extremely strong. This was the first time I tried to quit porn but it was unsuccessful, I didn't know about this community, much less scientifically knew what it was doing to my brain.

I am recently 26 years old and have lived a life completely invaded by pornography. Even though I've dated women, sex didn't feel as pleasurable as porn. I have never had an orgasm with a partner, and that was the indicator that made me realize that something was wrong in my life. And so I could continue talking about it, I suffer from constant emotional problems and to this day I still have them. I am currently on my tenth day without PMO and I am living hell. I feel very unmotivated, insecure, unable to make decisions, all my thoughts are sexual, my brain cannot leave me alone for a fucking second without thinking about pornography. The addiction to pornography is real and now I am paying for it, but I am thankful that this community exists.

I have a question for those who have reached beyond 90 days. At some point will I feel normal? Because I have to admit that right now I feel like complete shit, it is hard for me to even get out of bed these days, I try to carry out my activities but it is hell. I would appreciate it if you can share your experiences. Thank you in advance for your time reading this publication, my best wishes.

 

I feel you, this quarantine makes things more difficult. I'm from Mexico and things are getting worse. I try no to think about the external problems cause it's too much to content in my personal world. I guess I have to live the present as you mention. Trying to occupy my mind in things that I can do. Right now I'm writing everyday in a notebook, ann it feels amazing the progress I've done by now. But they're some days as today that everything looks as an abyss. Thank you for replying by the way. Good to know there's support. My best wishes.

 

Oh man it feels like a damn rollercoaster, but coming to the forum really keeps me motivated. Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it, hope you're doing well!!!