Growing

I seem to have a lot of growing to do. I think my growth really started to take flight when I put down pm+ the most recent time on 3/12/13. I put the drug down thousands of times, almost every time I used the last 10 years of active addiction. I just always picked back up again And that had many effects and causes, one effect was my internal growth was stunted because one cause was I was unconsciously running from things I didn’t want to face that were uncomfortable. Going through uncomfortable things, big and little, is how we grow but I had no idea and didn’t particularly want to learn about that process Little things like getting places on time, making my own food, brushing my teeth, doing homework or paid work, none of which I like or want to do in the moment but which benefit me and foster my growth. Big things like when I had to say goodbye the third time to a foster daughter I loved very much and wanted to adopt but who went to another family. I tried to escape the pain of the grief, tried to run away. But wherever I ran I brought me with me. It was like my problems were already there waiting for me when inevitably I could not run any further. So of course I just rested a bit denying the discomfort and then started running as soon as I could. A fool’s errand. Lots of exercise, seeming strong but really just a hamster on a wheel. I say “fool’s errand” but it was more ignorance: if I had known a way to stop running (stay free off pm+) and work through uncomfortable feelings like shame, fear, anger, I would have. I didn’t realize that I had not tried very hard with the latter, maybe because I had tried very hard just very unsuccessfully with the former.
Anyways, so I had some growing that was delayed, and I sometimes hear about addicts being “emotionally immature.” That seems true for me, and I like to focus on the positive since directing my attention to the positive seems to help a lot more with happy sobriety than focusing on the negative, so I like to think about growing instead of how stunted I am. That can get into wallowing in shame, and shame is one form of self-centeredness because it keeps me special and separate from others. I’ve heard it said that the mind’s job is to believe what it thinks and if I focus on how immature I am, which is true, I will have more and more evidence presented to me of how my situation is bad rather than solutions to move forward from that situation.
My mind loves to say things like “Yes Andrew you are very immature you really should BE A MAN dammit.” It shows there is an important question of definition, I like to think of it in terms of growing out of self-obsession, one form of which is pride. I did stop growing inside a long time ago in direct proportion to my selfishness. But I know it isn’t inherent: you look at a baby they don’t have the perfectionism I developed, they don’t have hate or pride that all comes later. Heck does even their selfishness really count, it is ok for them to need milk Basically we all know that a childlike life is admirable and a childish life is no fun for self or others.
One who has grown changes diapers for one who has not, even though it is not pleasant not something we would choose to do on a Saturday morning. One who has grown pays bills that benefit themself and any dependent children, and coaches those children on how to be and act in the world in ways that will benefit the child and people in general. None of this stuff is, in the immediate gratification sense, much if any good to the grown up
One of the the best places I got opportunities to grow in the last couple decades was calling happily sober pm+ addicts when I was embarrassed to say what I needed to say such as “i’m thinking of using pm+ I dont’ think I can stop myself” I was sure they would yell at me and think I was weird. Part of how I got free was, at their suggestion, forgiving people who did me wrongs, even though I did not want to do that I slowly and not steadily did, and growth is still coming out of that!
I had a time early on that I still thought I wanted to to use pm+, that I liked it. I hadn’t had enough. But after some talking to people on the phone who had the solution and going through painful slips and scary escalation in the sexual thoughts that occurred to me I got to a point that I could give up pm+ just for that day. All we really have is the moment so I don’t have to give up forever since that doesn’t exist except in the mind. It comes time to act out and I don’t have to so I don’t. But not by fighting it, so much of my dis-easiness came from fighting everything and everybody: I was fighting urges to use, I was fighting verbally with my wife even though I loved her she just wouldn’t do things the way I said ) and fighting my boss and other people at work and fighting geopolitics and fighting people who were mean to me and drove “the wrong way” and on and on and on, fighting even my self and feelings. Now I practice many times a day let go of fighting anyone or anything, even selfishness about sex and lust which is such a relief. As uncomfortable as it is to stop fighting it is nothing to the discomfort of unsuccessfully fighting pm and addiction. And since I feel uncomfortable that means I am growing
I was taught “problems are opportunities,” “If I want to get stronger I’ll have to do hard things, if I want to be a better person I’ll have to learn to be kind to people who annoy me” and “if you want self esteem do esteemable things.” This process actually feels good after it feels bad, we can get comfortable with the discomfort of growing. A big part of that is to stop fighting any feeling or anything a feeling seems to be about, including shame, pride, sadness, despair.