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Resolutions And Healing

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Jun 12, 2020.

  1. Thanks Peace, your words mean a lot. And, you’re right. I will get trough it, and I’m sure I’ll cone out stronger. I think that’s when growth happens, when we learn from our mistakes. It’s what makes us who we are. I can’t agree with that, I think being honest with her was the best thing you could have done. I’d always rather be hurt by the truth than to be happy with a lie. Always. I think admitting that her and yourself was really important, and a big step to being the best version of you, Peace. I’m proud of you for that. Really proud. I had a feeling that with that honesty you both can now move forward in your friendship, and It can be even better now with a strong foundation of trust and honesty. She may have been hurt, but it sounds like she really appreciated your honesty. I would have, too. Thank you, Peace! <3 You’re most welcome, and thank you!! :)
     
  2. We both are, as he does have a beautiful heart. I have not yet lost hope. I hope he won’t either. Thank you for your kindness and those beautiful words. You deserve that, too. Thanks beautiful friend! I am happy to be here writing again. You take care as well, and stay safe!
     
  3. Haha, even if you did, I wouldn’t be upset. I don’t mind constructive criticism! I am actually, and it’s mostly just an idea right now, but I am going to write it down tonight and will probably share it tomorrow. :) I feel special that you’d want to hear some! I hope you’re doing well.
     
  4. Shadow™輝ツ

    Shadow™輝ツ Fapstronaut

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    Ofc why not i do love some good poetry, who doesnt? im doing well, and i hope ur doing great.
     
  5. Appreciate the kind words again, loved lady. Take care!
     
  6. Sunday 28 June 2020

    So, here goes. This is just a rough draft, but since @Mahz -- so kindly asked for some poetry I will share my latest writing. It’s a bit rough around the edges, but I hope you guys enjoy it!

    She lies awake alone.

    The whispers are so loud,

    the room in a shroud.

    She ponders the unknown.

    Deep breaths, her eyes close.

    Her heart In pieces,

    her thoughts screaming.

    She feels vulnerable and exposed.

    “Don’t abandon me,”

    Anger abruptly calls,

    and the tears begin to fall.

    But, she ignores the plea.

    “He wants it more than you,”

    Insecurity chimes in now.

    She tries to quiet them somehow,

    but, they cannot be subdued.

    “You can’t win this fight,”

    Sadness had now spoken,

    hoping for her will to be broken

    on this dark and dismal night.

    She wiped the tears away.

    She wouldn’t give in.

    She would fight and win.

    From her path she could not stray.

    This was the way to heal.

    No more hiding from the pain,

    no more throwing blame.

    Just letting herself feel.

    She had lost herself in this,

    forgetting who she was,

    resenting all her flaws.

    She’d fallen deep into the abyss.

    The tears came once more,

    But, this time she let them fall.

    Feeling the loss of it all,

    It shook her to her core.

    In that moment she let it go,

    The hurt, anger and fear,

    Her feeling insecure,

    It was time for her to grow.

    In the last little while,

    She’d learnt so many lessons,

    She fell into depression.

    They’d both been in denial.

    They had to face reality.

    He dealt with addiction.

    She hid from her afflictions.

    They both could be set free.

    It would not be easy for her,

    because as you can see,

    to move forward she must be

    ready to face herself in the mirror.

    She must find her worth.

    Remember who she is.

    See the beauty that’s within.

    A new start, a sort of rebirth.

    In him it could not be found.

    She had to have the ability

    to take full responsibility

    for happiness to come around.

    She finally opened her eyes.

    The light was blinding,

    the radiant glow reminding

    her that the sun will always rise.

    It was the start of a new day.

    The possibilities were endless,

    and she was gaining independence.

    She just knew everything would be okay.

    I did this earlier today and you guys are the first to get to see it. I hope you’re all having a great day. Take care, and stay safe.
     

  7. I see we have a poet here. You did a great job illustrating your emotions in that poem, the struggle, the pain, the sadness, but the ending illuminated that those scar of yours will heal over and you'll be stronger for it! I can't write a damn poem to save my life.
     
  8. Shadow™輝ツ

    Shadow™輝ツ Fapstronaut

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    That was beautiful lovely, the way you expressed your feelings through poetry, i loved it, and now i know how you feel.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2020
  9. Well, I’ve shared it just for you, Nahz! Haha. I hope you enjoy it in some a mall way. :)
     
  10. Of course, anytime Peace. :) You too!
     
  11. Awe, wow thank you Star! I’m honestly so flattered by this. I haven’t written in years, and it felt good to do so again. I really missed it. :) It felt good to write it down, and get it out. I hope it will heal, and I’ll never stop fighting for it. Thank you for your kindness! :) I’m sure you could! I think anyone could write poetry, all in our own way!
     
  12. Thank you so much, Mahz! Your words mean so much to me. I didn’t think I did very well. But I’m happy to see it was understood and I was able to relay my feelings well in it. :) Thank you for reading it and commenting!
     
  13. Monday 29 June 2020

    Well...
    I’m going to be outright honest. Yesterday was a horrible day. I’m going to apologize in advance as this post might be a bit triggering and I wanted to give a fair warning before I continued! So, to start off I woke up feeling positive, and had planned on working on my goals, and I completely and utterly failed. I felt like a complete screw up yesterday. I didn’t wake up in a good mood, having not slept well, but I made a coffee and got comfy as I started to write down my poem. I heard my boyfriend talking in his sleep while having my morning coffee. (He does it quite a bit.) and, that wouldn’t have bothered me aside from the fact that he for the second time in weeks I’m pretty sure I heard him whisper another women’s name. I want to say things got better from there, but unfortunately not. I was doing quite well until that point in keeping strong with my goals. When he woke up, we snuggled, and talked a bit. As he was on top of me cuddling, and the fact he was pushing it against me, I thought that was an invitation for sex. So, I make a move only for him to jump up and say he had to use the bathroom. I knew he wasn't in the mood at that point, but I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just tell me that instead of just leaving the room. It doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, I know. And, It isn’t. I completely respect that he didn’t feel like it. But, my problem with that lies in these three points -

    1. He never tells me when he’s in the mood or not, I usually just end up having to guess.

    2. He hardly ever initiates, only sometimes. Majority of the time it’s me.

    3. He has not been into doing Latex with me lately, yet last might relapsed and watched fetish porn videos.

    The reason I say that I failed is I got upset when he didn’t just tell me outright, and once again my brain went to that place of overthinking EVERYTHING. I fell into that trap again of feeling unwanted and undesired because he was getting erections from the women in the show we watched earlier that morning, but didn’t seem interested in sex with me. So, I tried again. A few hours later after breakfast and a shower, I did my make up, my hair, put on a dress I know he loves and was giving out such obvious hints that I was practically throwing myself at him. He said I looked wonderful with a smile, and that’s it. No erection for me, no passion, no excitement like the way his heart races when these other women give him erections. I felt deflated, and sad. I decided instead of holding it in that I would talk to him because I didn’t want to start resenting him for it.

    I brought up the issues after gathering the courage to do so. I explained that it was okay to not want to have sex, and that I was happy with waiting until he was in the mood, but that he needed to be clear about what he wanted and use words to express himself because I was getting mixed signals and that when he just leaves so abruptly that it hurts because it makes me feel rejected, and I’m left wondering what happened. He got really upset with me and left for a walk. I understood he was upset and needed space, as did I. But, of course my gut feeling kicked in and told me “He went to watch porn.” I tried to fight it off, but I gave in and looked at the history on his old phone (Which he hadn’t changed the passcode for yet and hasn’t yet thrown out.) My gut feeling was right. He had literally a few minutes prior to me checking gone to a porn site and watched some videos.

    This is the part where I want to tell you I was calm, and didn’t get upset, but that would be a lie. I was so livid, I was shaking. I calmed down before he got home and then attempted to talk to him civilly and with an open heart. It went very badly as he got very defensive, called me names and told me that it was my fault he did it because I came to him with issues and had really upset him. I understand that, and I apologized for hurting him but can say I’m proud that I did not let him burden me with that responsibility. It was his decision to watch porn, his actions not mine. And, now we must both face the consequences. I told him I could not do it anymore, it was the last time and I’m done. I will go back to Canada and say farewell to 3 mostly beautiful years with a man I will always love in some way. At first he said It was to spite me, and then after a short while admitted that it had nothing to do with spite but more as an escape from me and my “drama.”

    I think we’ve both just lost sight of what we had, and how hard we worked for it. We took it for granted. My heart was shattered because I did not want to break up with him. I love him. But, I can’t take anymore, I’ve hit my limit. He does not think porn is a problem and that it doesn’t affect anyone else around him. And, if that’s how he feels then I'm not one to judge, and that is his perspective, but I can’t agree. Porn has ruined our relationship. Even when things were good my insecurities and fears about it after were too much to not get in the way. I feel it was my fault, because things were going well between us aside from him not initiating. But, it was merely on the surface. But, maybe I should have left it alone and not mentioned it? I don’t know. Him saying I was at fault makes me feel like I was. He calmed down after a while, but had relapsed another few times last night as I was upstairs and we were not talking. I know because I had to go downstairs to grab some things for sleeping upstairs and he would quickly go off what he was on, on his PS4. He made dinner late, and dished some up for me. If I’m being honest, that made me angry, because I don’t want him to be nice to me. If he can hurt me so much in one night, I’d rather he not even be nice at all. That, and I was still angry and unforgiving with him. I’m not used to this anger.

    Anyway, so here I am now, sleeping on the sofa because I’m still stuck here until early August. I think space will be good for both of us individually.

    I’m not going to let this deter me from my goals, and whilst doing this I'm also going to do something else that I think is very important. I’m going to face some hard truths and try to make positive changes to better myself and my life. I know it’s going to be fucking hard, but I can do it.

    Truths I want to face, and my positive changes I want to make to stop lying to myself and to him -

    1. The Lie I Tell - That I am happy with our sex life and feel no pressure.
    The truth I Must face - That I am unhappy with how I initiate most in our sex life instead of waiting for him to because I feel pressure to have sex/give blow jobs to make sure I’m doing enough so he won’t need to go to porn.
    My Positive Change - Well, if we had tried to stay together (I don't think we can now.) I would have initiated less and only done so when I felt in the mood to have sex, and agreed to sex when/if he initiated if we were both in the mood.

    2. The Lie I Tell - That I don’t notice the changes that porn has caused in him.
    The Truth I Must Face - I notice EVERYTHING. Big or small change. I know him well enough to know when something is off.
    My Positive Change - I will stop over analyzing and learn to remember that I do not have control over him and cannot control the situation. I must let things go that I can not control.

    3. The Lie That I Tell - That I cannot be attractive, beautiful, wanted or desired unless it is by him, and that I’m undeserving of the loyalty and faithfulness I expect from him.
    The Truth I Must Face - That I CAN be attractive, beautiful, wanted and desired even if it does not come from him. It should come from me, from within.
    My Positive Change - I will focus more on appreciating who I am, and accepting myself, flaws and all, the way I am. And, I will work on the areas that need improvement.

    4. The Lie That I Tell - That it’s okay to feel anger and hate towards him for hurting me and it’s okay to hurt him back because of it.
    The Truth I Must Face - It’s okay to feel anger, but it does not give me a right to lash out at him because of it.
    My Positive Change - I’m going to try to control my anger and pain, and put it towards bettering myself instead of trying to hurt him.

    I’m sure there’s more, but I will leave it there for now. This post has been long enough. I hope you rev all staying safe and take care. I will win this!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2020
  14. Shadow™輝ツ

    Shadow™輝ツ Fapstronaut

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    That is too kind, but I’m sure we all would appreciate everything you share with us whether poems or whatever :)
    I don’t even know what’s always going on his dumb brain, he makes you feel like crap, makes you cry depressed, which you deserve non at all, but he keeps carrying doing these things, and then acts upset, this guy gotta go, I’m trying to understand ur situation but it just seems from my perspective to have no future, nada. The guy is intelligent, kind to you but the other shit he does like watching Porn on every single stressful Situation is the sign of a maniac, a complete addict. He does not engage in sexual activity with you, because he is more into porn fake plastic butts, I’m sorry but I think you’ll grow old trying to fix this shit, his dumb, he doesn’t understand this, porn is not fine, Never will be, if it’s affecting ur relationship then it’s A BIG NO. You shouldn’t feel bad or sad about yourself, you’re a beautiful person, you know it *.*
    He makes you feel like that, but there are more of you’re likes out there, I think God gave you a another chance by delaying ur flight to see if this guy is worth it or not, cuz ur kind of delusional in this case, to stay, or to not, and you are one tough lady to keep on fighting, id back the hell out, anyone would if they lived like this. You were happy the first few years because you didn’t know how he was from inside, but thank God you discovered it soon enough, or you’re life would just have passed with a lie. It might seem impossible for you to move on, but remember it never is, I thought the same at first when I liked a girl who didn’t like me, basically one sided love, I ignored her for months now and she doesn’t text me anymore, now I feel no love for her, yet I stayed in love with her over 3 years lol I don’t regret it I just learned it soon enough and I am very happy, cuz I don’t deserve to feel ignored or unloved even after I gave her so much, you and me can relate a little, see I was like u thinking to keep trying or just leave, I left, now it depends on how you play this out. Tc lovely :)) <3 have a good day and just quit having feelings, smile whenever it hurts.
     
  15. I think he might be lying to you all along. He just wants a woman who gives him attention. He's not advancing in life nor is he trying to be a good influence on you. You should forget about him. If he loves you the same you love him, you'd probably not be able to stand because of last nights action if you know what I mean. I hope things get and hope you achieve your goals.
     
  16. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    As someone who understands what its like to lose trust in someone, I want to say that I understand something of how you feel. Going from what you thought was a great relationship, to one where you feel anxious and horrible often. Even when there's nothing wrong, you know something is coming, and sure enough, it does.

    Unfortunately, from what you've said, it doesn't seem like your boyfriend is committed to stopping. He has not hit his "low" point, he is just "trying" to slow down his porn use enough to keep you in the relationship, but not enough to deal with his own addiction.

    I understand that porn is an addiction, and that your boyfriend is perhaps a great man in many other ways. But you never signed a contract with him that said, "I will stick with you even if you lie, cheat (by watching porn and checking out other women), and actively hurt our relationship." That seems to be what he is doing.

    You said that you are too weak to be okay with him looking too much (sexually) at other women. That is totally understandable. You may have your own insecurities, and those are always good to work on. But your boyfriend's behavior is not just coinciding with your insecurities, his behavior is making them worse.

    I don't say this lightly: I urge you to think deeply about how you want to live the rest of your life. It's tragic, but if your boyfriend won't stop and (and his lying is not excusable, do NOT let him make you think that it is ok) then you may need to move on.

    Remember how you said that when you gave him that calm ultimatum, it made him more serious (at least temporarily)? It shows that he doesn't seem to feel the need to quit being addicted to porn because it is inherently wrong, instead, he just wants to quit so that he can get the best of both worlds—porn AND a girlfriend who will do anything to please him.

    This is obviously a complicated situation, but in some ways it is also simple. If you will not be joyful in this relationship because he cannot remain committed to you and only you, it is NOT you who would be deciding to end the relationship. He would be the one to decide that. His actions are what is driving all of this, not yours.

    I'll be praying for you.
     

  17. Not too kind, just true. :) And, I’m honoured to share my poetry with people who enjoy it. It makes me happy. I’m in the process of working on one for all of you here, my wonderful friends. :)

    Mahone, I actually agree 100% with what you’re saying. I have hurt him, too. More times than I can count. So, I mean not entirely innocent in this. I’ve played my part. But, he began this battle by bringing porn into our relationship. I don’t understand it at all. When we were good, everything was fine, he treated me so well, and was an amazingly boyfriend - aside from the porn and sex issue. I do appreciate you trying to understand, and I don’t even expect you to, honestly. It’s fucked up. And, what’s worse is I know it won’t change, I know he won’t give it up, and as soon as I'm gone he’ll go right back to it, yet here I am considering giving him another chance because he was crying on the bed beside me, saying that he can’t live without me. It messes me up a lot. The reason he keeps going to porn when he’s stressed, bored and upset is because he still does not think there is anything wrong with it. He does not understand that. And, I think until he does this IS going to keep happening, you’re right. I probably will grow old and it will still be a problem between us. He says he’ll “grow out of it.” Thank you, Mahz. You know I appreciate you and you’re wirds. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself anymore because his addictions isn’t something I can fix. I have been so messed up about it, and I can agree with you on that I'm glad my flight was delayed again otherwise could I might have still been in a place where I believed things could change. I’m glad someone else can see that, too. I’m sorry for what you went through Mahz, and you never deserved that heartache. :( You’re absolutely right, you didn’t deserve it, and I’m so glad you were able to heal from it. You deserve someone who will love, cherish and care for you, who gives what you give. :) Yes, we can relate, can’t we? Haha, I wish I could stop having fun elongated! That’s be great! I’d love to feel numb. Thank you again, Mahz. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and you’ve made so many good points. You’re always supportive and there for me, and I hope you know how much it means to me. :) Take care as well, and enjoy your weekend! I promise I’ll keep smiling!
     
  18. You know what, I’ve actually considered this, and I can’t believe I’m saying Thisbe but it could be true. You’re not wrong. I already believe he thinks of other women’s when we have sex, and that he lies to me about many other, so it’s highly plausible. I think he believes he can have it all, have his cake and eat it, too. A woman who shares his fetish, to be there for him and love on him and watch porn and get off on other women. He has actually admitted this, in a similarly worded sentence. And, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. Thanks Peace, you know have a way of bringing peace (Haha, had to. :D ) to my life and making sense. I hope your situation is getting better, and that you never forget how awesome you are! Take care, okay? I appreciate you.
     
  19. Thanks. My situation is way better than before. I appreciate you,too. I just had to put myself in that position and ask myself: Why am I doing this? For what purpose? What do I get from this? It all got answered in a second so It isn't much. I'm taking care, thanks. You're awesome,as well.You make sure you take better care of yourself ,alright? See you around.
     
  20. Hello,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write this message to me. I appreciate it so much. I’m so sorry that you had to feel that way as well, and go through that. It’s horrible and no one is deserving of it. You’re right, the anxiety is the worst. Anticipating it because you know it will happen again.

    You are absolutely right about him not being ready to face his addiction. I think until he does nothing will change. It will continue this way where things are good, then it happens, we fight. It’s a cycle. He has genuinely tried a few times, but the problem lies in him not thinking anything is wrong with watching porn, and he does not believe he’s addicted so he can’t see that even if he wants to stop, until he admits it the addiction will keep sucking him back in.

    Yes, it’s exactly what he’s doing. I have not yet been able to get through to him and explain to him why porn feels like cheating to me. Your words ring true, and it really makes me wish I could tell him about this site so he could read your message on here and maybe gain a bit of understanding. I promised I’d never give up on him, but you’re right, I did not sign up for this.

    I’m sitting here internally screaming in relief as I read your message because it’s nice to hear that understanding and know I do not need to explain myself. That you get it. I’ve spoken to friends in real life, and while they do understand that I’m hurting, most are not able to understand why it’s such a bad thing as porn is so normalized now. I have always had some insecurities growing up in the household that I did (Lots of emotional and verbal abuse.) And, it took years after I left home to build myself up. I was at a point where I was happy with who I was, I liked myself, I felt good about myself. When I told him he had shattered my self image with this he then replied that my insecurities were not his fault not problem, not realizing that his behaviour was only making it worse.

    You’re right, and in all honesty this time I was ready to. I put up my walls, said it was over and was letting him go. I had to be cruel to get over it because I knew if I gave in, I would take him back. When he cried on the bed that night and told me he couldn’t do it without me, guess what? I caved. I felt weak. Now for third time we’re trying, and I feel no closure from the issue at all. I tried to get some from him, but it turned into another argument. I don’t want this for my life, loving him, being with him, yet part of me closed off because I know it’s not even close to over or fixed. I’m just too weak. I cat walk away yet, and it brings me shame. I love him so much that I’m willing to risk getting him yet again. How stupid is that? The worst part is I know what’s I want, what I’m looking for, but I don’t see much hope in it happening. I think breaking up would have been easier had we not been stuck in the same house, together all the time during lockdown. I’ve been in the UK 8 months now, 3 months longer than my visa allowed due to my flight being cancelled 3 times. It’s extremely hard to break up when you’re in the middle of a lockdown, stuck in a small house together with 2 other people, and constantly around each other. You just stop fighting and give in to trying again because it’s easier than the fighting, the tension, the animosity you feel. Thank you for those words, I appreciate your encouragement so much. And, I promise I won’t. It’s actually one thing I make a big deal out of because I hate lying, and it’s disrespectful.

    Yep. He wants his cake and to eat it, too. He even used your exact words, that he thought he could have it all and said he was naive to think he could and that I wouldn’t find out. That really made me angry to hear. You’ve hit the nail on the head there. He doesn’t think it’s wrong. Not at all. He thinks it’s normal and a guy thing, and thinks I overreacted to it. From everything that has happened he has taken more seriously now, but it’s exactly like you said. Not because he thinks it’s wrong .org harmful, but for me and I can just see how it will go since he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. I told him this and his response was “Oh, fuck off, that’s not true.”
    I wasn’t upset, it was in the heat of an argument, and I say things I regret, too. Just giving an example of what his reactions are. I think it was a reality check for him when he realized that we weren’t going to agree on everything, and that there limits to what I would put up with. I think he blinded himself to it, because he knew I didn’t agree with porn, and that’s why he hid it from me. He thought I’d never find out, not realizing that even though we’re in a long distance relationship that I still know him like the back of my hand, and at some point we would live together and the cat would be out of the bag.

    Thank you for this, I know this to be true but it’s really nice to hear it validated by to someone else. I’m going to wait until INV back in Canada and give myself time to think and heal. I desperately need some more me time, and it’s a lot harder to get it while I’m here. I’m not going to waste my life feeling this way. I want better abscess it’s up to me to make it happen. Thank you again, so much. Take care and stay safe.
     

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