Giving this a shot.

So, it's come to this. I have a very difficult relationship with sex and porn. The experiences I've had have left a lasting mark on my self esteem, how I view myself, and how I view what men want of me. It has gotten to the point that it has ruined multiple relationships, and that I am compulsively using porn and masturbation to deal with my life at the same time. I suppose some background is needed.

I was a normal kid growing up, right up till I was around 11. We moved, I changed schools, and I was relentlessly bullied for years. I never had any real friends to speak of, and I didn't have any meaningful interaction with guys whatsoever. It changed when I started to become friends with and eventually started dating the first person who hadn't treated me like human garbage for years. I was head over heels, but also terrified that he'd leave me. The result was that I ended up sabotaging my relationship while simultaniously being as accomodating to his needs as possible. The problem was he was 20 and I was 16, and he had a very strong sex drive, to put it mildly. I had never had much interest in porn and sex before that time, figuring it would never happen to me anyway, and I thought porn was just kind of weird. I didn't have that much knowledge about what was normal, or accepted since I didn't have much of a frame of reference or friends to talk to, except for the porn I watched with my then boyfriend. I started to equate how I should act from what I saw in porn and how he treated me. I didn't have the experience then to recognise I was in kind of an abusive relationship, nor was I in the position to question what was happening. The sex and demands he placed on me started to get more and more extreme, and I convinced myself that that I did it because I wanted it and enjoyed it, and I ended up watching more and more porn, and masturbating to it more and more. Orgasming started to feel safe and good, and I started doing it more often. I'm not sure when it fully started, but once I was in college I was regularly masturbating up to four times per day, to porn that mimicked the kind of treatment I was getting from my boyfriend. When he dumped me, I ended up in a severe depression, where everything felt awful, except for lying in bed with my laptop, masturbating. My tastes and needs started to spiral out of control, and it was seriously hampering my life, school, and work. I couldn't focus anymore, and my mind drifted into what I can only describe as a haze of short term pleasure and lust and long term self harm.

Until I was in the last relationship that ended a few weeks ago, my life was a complete mess. And I ended up ruining it in large part because of my reliance on porn and my extreme kinks. I won't go into details because I don't want to trigger anything, but suffice to say it wasn't something that could work in a normal real life loving relationship.

So. I think for me the problem isn't strictly porn, but it is a massive part of it, and I hope cutting it out will help me in the long run. Sorry for the rant. I don't really have a place to go anymore, it seems.

 

Thanks. I hope so too. I'm not really sure about how it affects women physically, since most of the stuff on this site is written for men, but I figured I'm stuck with most of the same psychological effects I might as well join here.

 

Thank you. I sincerely hope that is the case, since I feel a huge amount of shame with regards to what turns me on these days, and how immensely far away it is from what healthy sexuality should be. The problem is that I don't know how to control the thoughts when I abstain from porn.

 

Hello @ekirnren ,
I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through all this time, it seems a big struggle. Be sure that things can get to better and change to a much healthier life.
Regarding porn and fetishes, as @Musicmad mentioned, they will eventually disappear as you abstain from PMO; while abstianing, our minds tend to rewire themselevs, and it will start recovering as the dopamine and other hormones return to their natural levels. One day you will look back and be shocked for having a fantasy for this or that.

It is very good you took a decision to change your life. I recommend you to start by changing you daily routine to a healthy activities. Also list the triggering moments that arouse you and make a strategy to avoid them. Read about this addiction and rebooting articles and journals from this website so you get new ideas and notes to control yourself more professionally.

There are books that speak about Nofap and sexual energy (healthy way), but for now I recommend you to read from :
https://nofap.com/porn-addiction/
www.yourbrainonporn.com
https://www.youtube.com/user/SacredSexualityVlog/

Regarding fantasies and thoughts, as you start a healthy routine and a strategy, it will help you to avoid the triggers, combine with that cutting your thoughts, yes, not letting your thoughts to take a place in your mind for even a second will help you to get a better control on them, it requires some practice but works.

Having a journal helps in tracking one's progress too. I wish you all the best and we are here to support you

 

Yes, I know, right? I spent the entire night binging the last time I messed up. 3 hours down the drain and once I was said and done, I just felt immensely guilty and dirty with myself. The problem is I'm alone practically all the time since I work from home on my laptop, the temptation is all around me all the time.

I'm thinking I should start a journal here to keep myself straight and narrow.

 

That was an interesting read. I'll get into the rest of the site soon. Thanks!

My techniques are extreme, which is why I have become so numb to vanilla sex/porn and stimulation. I don't want to get into details because I don't want anyone to trigger anything, but I hope that part of me can be reset as well.

I have downloaded a meditation app a few days ago. I am terrible at mindfulness, but guided meditation seems to go pretty well so far.

 

First of thanks for understanding. I was pretty worried I would be judged for this stuff. It's what allowed this thing to get so immensely out of hand in the first place. I truly do hope I can get rid of this baggage I've collected. I only just started abstaining consciously like last week and already failed a couple of times, but I think you might be right about setting up a journal here. Also great point on making a list about all the moments when I'm vulnerable or at risk of getting myself off, because I honestly have no idea.

I'm not really sure I should be talking about this, since it could be troubling for some, but with regards to sex toys, I'm not sure what to do with them. Keep them or get rid of them. I don't want to watch porn or have these kinks anymore, but I don't know if the toys are directly related to it, but they do facilitate unhealthy ways of masturbating.

 

Think about the purpose to stop PMO. Then it will require to stop all unhealthy habits that attract it like sex toys and such. If you feel uncomfortable in makking a journal here you can start a private one on a book or digital. Step by step you will understand how to deal with this All the best

 

You got depressed after a man stopped abusing you?
Sounds like something a psychologist should work with.
Or just accept the fact that for some reason some dumb kids were bullying you and it isn't really your fault and move on.

 

Hello, @ekirnren. Thank you for having the courage to post everything you have. I too can relate to much of what you posted as I was in a relationship with my ex that was based on how treated her from porn. We had a very mentally and verbally abusive relationship towards each other That had damaged me into my marriage and how I am as I person. I’ve spent the last few years getting better but I still need tremendous work to do.

porn can be a massive problem when you expect people to react the way porn is presented. I always thought all women were into sex like porn stars were and it really ruined a lot of chances with other women because I had that mentality. Cutting it out has helped me at times feel more confident and desensitized. Like a withdrawal.

very true, my ex and other girls had this mentality towards me because of what I had seen in porn, and my ex had a long convo about the damage we had done to each other and how we’re trying to recover from how horrible we were.

One day at a time. The past is the past, and all we can control is today.

I still have that shame, and anxiety about how much better I would be if I didn’t ever watch porn or was more productive instead of binging all my life. I struggle with a healthy sexuality because i still fantasize about women in my life (friends, coworkers, neighbors) and directly relate it to porn and sex, instead of seeing them as people. One day at a time.

Same, being quarantined was bad, so I started going on jogs, pushups, burpees, doing some activity to suppress urges

I would say throw them away, I’ve throw away mine and it’s one less thing to feel tempted

take ten minutes to meditate and pray. I’ve done this so much this year and it does help.

hope this helps

 

I think I will set one up. If I do it in private I am too worried I'll slack off or not keep it going.

 

Thank you. I know exactly what you mean. Always looking at every social interaction through the lens of sex or porn leads to some severely messed up thinking, I realise now. I hope you are doing well too.