Resolutions And Healing

Wow, I'm overwhelmed that my message meant that much to you. The strange thing is that after I wrote you that message, it clarified for me how upset I have been in my own relationship with my girlfriend. After finding out that she had lied about more things (little things and bigger things) I just broke up with her two nights ago.

We weren't living together so I don't have that same problem as you have, but I know what you mean when you say you just want to give one more chance. You really do like the person so much, it's not like they are annoying to be around or anything. They just won't stop doing one thing that is hurting you.

I was the same way...I had a lot of insecurities myself during my porn addiction, and after I got clean, those insecurities started to go away. It made me more confident, I knew more that I wanted to be a man faithful to God. A few months after I got clean was when I started dating my girlfriend, no doubt due partly to my increased confidence. But instead of my confidence growing, my insecurities have grown. I'm not blaming that all on my girlfriend (ex girlfriend I guess which is so hard and weird to say) but her lying about stuff definitely made it worse.

I think one difference between my ex girlfriend and your man is that my ex girlfriend knows that what she has been doing is wrong. She isn't making excuses anymore, she knows she has a lying problem. She admits to me that she has been a coward. That gives me hope, both that she will find more peace in her life (because lying about stuff is darn stressful) but also I'm holding out hope that maybe she will overcome it. I know what it's like to be in an addictive cycle of porn, so I sympathize with somebody who is addicted in some way to lying or taking the easy way out. But lying is so hurtful to everyone around her, not just herself, and I was tired of not being able to believe stuff she would say. It makes me want to scream and yell and pitch a fit like a kid.

Your man seems resistant to the idea that he is wrong, which I am so sorry to hear. On the one hand, it might make it easier to part ways since it comes down to his choices. When it comes down to it, he is the one choosing to sabotage the relationship since he won't even see his sin (unless there are things that you are doing that are also hurting it and you haven't made those right). There is a Proverb that says, "Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you." At a certain point, actions speak louder than words...if this man hates your rebuke about porn, there's not much more you can do. But on the other hand, it's still hard to accept that you can't control the other persons actions, you can only control your actions and reactions. That's something I learned the hard way.

I would consider taking a hard look at your own actions. If you choose to part ways, be sure to be clear about why you are doing it, and also take responsibility for your own failures. I sinned against my girlfriend in a lot of ways: I would yell when I found out she had lied, I would make her feel bad when she told me about something she had done. None of these things were helping her and they were mean. But don't let your own shortcomings stop you from ending things if that is what you feel you need to do. If you see your shortcomings and do something about it, you're in a different boat from someone who won't acknowledge he has a problem.

Maybe this will be the best thing that has ever happened to him. It could show him how deep a hole he has dug for himself, pull him out of the denial he is living in. But I would strongly avoid getting back together the moment he says, "Oops, I was wrong, can we be together again?" Because at that point it's impossible to know if it is true or just something that he's saying. If his lifestyle becomes sustainably different and he becomes way more transparent about things, then you have an indication that maybe, maybe, you can put a little trust in him.

I'm going through the same struggle now. I so badly want to call my ex girlfriend and say, "Forget about it, let's be together." But I know logically that I have done stuff like that so many times and it didn't work. I'm an emotional guy, and I'm trying to use the rational side of my brain more right now.

 

RIP Rosemary <3 she really deserves a true love