I have no idea if its porn or im actually bisexual? Plz help

Let me start from the beginning I guess. First off ive never really had any sexual attraction to guys or romantic/Emotional feelings towards them. Ive had admiration for guys but nothing like I felt with a girl. Secondly I have anxiety problems and I tend to obsess about things and overthink. Thirdly Ive been watching porn since ive been in 4 or 5th grade obviously nothing hardcore just vanilla stuff. Im 21 now and still watch it but my taste has gotten more hardcore. Im into gangbangs, dps, and bukakkes now and it seems to involve alot of men usually. I also about 4 years ago started getting into edging and 2 years after that was anal. I like anal not going to lie but I stopped because I feel it was making everything worse.

This year though I started watching some hypno videos not exactly sissy hypno just like dick hypno and bbc hypno and stuff like that and i tried gay and bisexual porn a couple times. Whenever I would watch this stuff though I would edge for hours then eventually go to anal and watch the more hardcore stuff. I think I fucked with my brain now and Its killing me. Its brought on so much shame and worry and depression. I would do really nasty things with myself. Ive been trying to quit but got back into it recently and I shouldnt of because now I feel the worst ive ever felt. I did something with a couple guys over text. We sexted and I edged for hours with multiple guys and eventually I watched them finish and they watched me. I was enjoying it and it bugs me. What bugs me the most though is I was the submissive one. I was acting like how a girl would act in a porn. Saying all this submissive shit to them. It made me feel like a sissy. Its weird too though because I feel like its the dick that only gets me off not the rest of them but now I keep second guessing myself and I keep making myself think im just making excuses.

I feel so much regret and its driving me nuts. Im scared its turned me gay or something because I have been recently basically in love with a girl but I got rejected. I would have the best feelings when day dreaming or just thinking about her. The day dreams involved me being the dominant one and I dont mean something messed up I just mean like me picking her up and throwing her on the bed or something like that just being the man basically. I know sounds pretty non masculine me daydreaming about that but it made me feel like a man. Ever since I did this with these guys I dont feel like a man anymore. I feel like a pussy. Everytime I think about her I think of what happened and I just dont feel as excited about her anymore or that love feeling I had and if I start to it goes away. Im so scared ive turned myself into a sissy or ive made myself subconciously want to be one now or become a transexual and THAT IS NOT what I want to be. I will literally kill myself before that happens. I cant stop worrying about it. Im thinking about going back to my therapists for this shit but ive never brought this up before.

I want to be a man and feel like a man. All I want is to marry hopefully this girl one day and have some kids and for them to have a masculine father. It makes me feel like shit to because she honestly wouldnt want someone like me who does shit like this. I just dont know if im bisexual or its the porn getting to my head. I have nothing wrong with gay or bisexual people btw but I dont want it to be me. Im giving NoFap a try to see if its just the porn but im not going to lie im scared of what the results could be. Sorry for the long post but i needed to vent because I have no one to talk to about this. From what ive told you what do you guys think it sounds like?

 

Sorry for the late response I’ve been really busy and honestly trying not to think about what I’ve done so I haven’t been on here much but it’s really bugging me today. Someone at work said something that reminded me of it and it’s on a rampage in my mind right now.

I tried to stop watching porn but it’s like impossible for me I’ve stayed away from the hypno stuff and all that I just regular porn I watch now but masturbate like 3 or 4 times a day but to answer your question when I was done doing that stuff it didn’t like disgust me it would just make me feel really bad and I did feel like I didn’t want to ever do it again.

I started thinking about it today hard. The thing that’s really fucking me up right now is well when I sexted with this girl that I’m currently getting over and I’m not kidding I think I love this girl but when I sexted with her I didn’t feel that excited. I wanted to sext with her but I didn’t know what I was doing at all and it wasn’t that fun probably because of that.

Now when I did what I did with those dudes it felt way more exciting and I’m thinking the reason it could’ve been was because I’m my mind it was new and taboo. The reason it’s bugging me so much though is because I was more excited with the guys than I was with her. That’s making me question myself again.

It’s got me really depressed right now because like I said I have nothing wrong with gay people I just don’t want to be. That’s not who I want to be. I really need to put a porn blocker on my computer so I can see how I really feel.

 

Sorry for the late response but I use to suffer from that like 2 years ago before I started getting into really hardcore stuff. At one point though I just started telling myself who gives a shit if I am or not but I think deep down I knew I wasn’t so I stopped worrying but since all this happened now I’m really worried and it’s come back. I tried to stop watching porn but it’s like impossible for me. I need to put a porn blocker on my computer and to be honest I’m a little scared because I keep thinking what if I wait all this time and I do end up being bisexual or gay but I guess there isn’t any other way to find out. It’s been bugging me a lot lately. I was hoping by now it would’ve stopped.

 

Like I told prince how I think I’m in love with some girl right now. I think that’s making me feel worse because I feel like she deserves someone so much better than someone like me who has done shit like I have or if I am bisexual I feel like that’ll change how she sees me. She may not be with me but it still makes me feel like shit.

 

I really don’t want to be and another thing I think I said this in my original post but for instance I never see a guy in public and feel like I want to have sex with him. I only feel that way when I see girls.