Second relapse, Going to try again & stand strong

Hello, I am new to this forum, but I have been familiar with NoFap for quite a while now. I am a Porn addict, I have been for many years now, but I want to get away from it. It is a bit of a long story: I have had an interesting past few years; my best friend died, and I found him dead, then my uncle died, and it changed my whole life. I used to not pay much attention to religion, but when this happen, I found god, and I started going to church. I didn't realize it, but a big problem for me was Masturbation and Pornography.

I was trying to be a christian, and follow the bible, but I was looking at women in a disrespectful way, and I was going against the beliefs I have. Also, I am a musician, and I was spending hours just looking at Porn, and wasting time I could've spent writing songs and learning new material. About Two weeks ago I said I was done with PMO, and I said I would never look at it again, I got a journal, I was keeping myself busy, I got to 9 days, which is the longest I have ever gotten so far, but I relapsed, because I went from 8 hours of sleep to 6 hours and because I have anxiety (due to my friends death) I thought relapsing might change it, and I did it reluctantly. I felt guilty, and then I composed myself to try it again, I got to five days and relapsed again because of the sleep issue, but I realize that it is better to get 6 hours of sleep instead none, and I have to sacrifice the extra time to end my dependency and take control of my life. so here I am at Day One, this time hoping to get to day 365, with no relapse, and an end to PMO. I am tired of viewing this material, and I want to get a real woman, and I no longer want to look at her in a subjective manner, but in terms of Love, because love is not all about sex it is about connections you share. Please wish me luck, and I will keep you all updated.

 

Hello everyone,

It is near the end of my day 2 mark, and I feel determined to continue going on and to not stop. I kept myself busy today, mostly with college work, reading, video games, and going through my record collection. I am going to try and keep myself on a daily routine of this. I am really just trying to keep myself from thinking about PMO, and I really am for the most part.

 

Hello Everyone I am just writing you all and letting you know that I have made it to day Four!
Yesterday was pretty good, for the most part I didn't feel any urges to engage in PMO, I did some vigorous five mile jogging on my Treadmill today and it felt great. I managed to get a lot of class work done for my summer class, and did some reading as I love to read. Today I feel great, and I have to take my car today to get a minor repair, so it keeps my busy, and I am staying dedicated to my goal! I have a notebook I write in and take a tally of how many day it has been for me since I have decided to quit PMO and each day I put down a new tally I get excited because it means I am staying the course. I notice that my mood is a lot better. Usually when I fap, I have anger and an attitude problem, and I get low self esteem where I look down on myself, but yesterday I looked in the mirror literally and talked to myself. (I talk to myself often, it is a coping mechanism and I think everyone does it, but it helps me) I realize I have to love myself in a healthy kind of love, before I can love anyone else, and I have to keep straight with god. One of the things I love to do is argue with myself on things like History, Politics, religion, and the such, which is what Benjamin Franklin, Socrates, and Plato would do. (all of whom I consider influences to me) I use the socratic method to clear my thinking and to cement my views on things. I did that, but I also sat and I thought about this challenge I am striving for, and how sometimes I feel this devil (figuratively) on my shoulder saying "you're going to give it up for 365 days?" "You could just give up porn but you dont have to stop masturbating", and then I sit and I think back to this historical series I watched that had my attention when the character said something along the lines of "....why give up something when you have started it?.....You have come this far, there is no point turning back" I keep those words in my head to continue to fight.

Speaking of inspirational quotes and influences, here is a quote from Winston Churchill a man who practiced abstinence and also saved England from invasion

 

I tried to access the link, but sadly I couldn't

 

Guys, I have to tell you, I relapsed, and it sucks, but I am going to keep trying and trying to fight this fight.
The biggest problem for me was the idea of going from 8 hours of sleep to 6 hours of sleep, and I don't like the idea of losing sleep despite being energized and feeling awake. You see, I take medication for sleep and anxiety and this is one thing that bothers me, and I am really trying to find a way around this because I am also a hypochondriac. I once had withdrawals from a medication I was on and I went nearly two days without sleep, and I don't want to lose sleep. I think the biggest trigger is that, but one that I must eliminate is my tablet that is filled with pornographic pictures, and videos. I would rather honestly fap without Porn, that is really what I want to do, but I do not mind trying to quit fapping as well and maybe not do it for a week. I need to compromise with myself, and I need to give it a try, because I have only ever gotten to 9 days and although I was feeling energized and fine, it started to really bother me and I have OCD, but if I can find someones story whose been through this like me, I believe I will get more determination to get on that track.
I also believe this change should be gradual.