Don't expect it all, especially not too soon! (long read)

I am further along in my recovery than I ever have being, never did I think I would be able to get to this point, I imagined all of the benefits that I would feel, happiness, calm, and ability to concentrate, and I have felt these, but let me tell you now to anyone new coming into this, its not always going to feel that way.

Freedom from porn doesn't mean that you're going to be 24/7 happy, or even that at my stage your problems with ED have disappeared, whether they're porn induced or anxiety induced like mine currently are. It all takes a long time, but its not there all the time. This recovery isn't a set thing, not for everyone or even you as an individual. I have had times when 20 days into a "streak" I was easily getting hard in the bedroom, and yet now it still eludes me. I am still flatlining, my partner or any women even interest me sexually right now, I haven't felt horny once over the past 4 months, but I have still got an insatiable amount of lust. Many things drive this addiction along, loneliness, boredom and lust being just a few, but my major problem now is lust. I have an amazing partner who understands me and my problem but also isn't tip toeing around me avoiding the problem, she jokes with me and makes it a light hearted thing and for that I love her. I have overcome boredom by having way too much to do somedays, whether it be drawing, reading, swimming and exercise videos. Yet I have yet to overcome my lust, still I see women in the street and I look them up and down, thinking of what is underneath, and I believe my lust for other women and my lusting for porn still hold me back.

Now I am currently trying to overcome my lust, bringing in the 3 second rule is one important part, if you don't know what that means it is simply you look and count to three and look away, do not look again. You're not doing harm by looking at someone you find attractive, it's impossible to say you never will again, but cut it out before the sexually fantasy comes into play. I still slip in this somedays, but its about getting stronger to overcome it properly that is the important part. I have also being trying to just not pay attemtion to anything or anyone at times, making myself concentrate on my work, which is the only time I'm ever really out and about at the minute with COVID still having a grip on the world. It's tough, overcoming that lust that we've built up over years and years of porn use, but you have to start somewhere.

Finally I need to overcome my anxiety about performing. I know for a fact that my ED is not related to porn anymore, it's purely in my head. As soon as I am anywhere near close to being touched down there, even if my GF wasn't going anywhere near it, I feel a pang of anxiety and fear for what may happen rather than just being in the moment. I have tried calming myself in my head with breathing when it happens, but that just shuts me off from it all anyway, and I can't think of any other way. I had a moment at the end of last year which I say was my rebirth moment, that moment I realised that I needed to get my shit together and really fight this or not fight it at all, that I could fight it if I just gave myself that patience and time. After that moment I was able to get as hard as a rock without worrying about anything, but then I lapsed. It was all good, I got on with it and the confidence carried on, but then again on March 2nd, my last and final lapse I went and did it again. It's since that point that nothing has been the same, that it all went downhill in my head and I've never recovered that confidence in myself and the ability to have sexual contact without worry.

Now this is a success story, I have done an amazing thing getting to where I am in my recovery, but it's still giving me problems that I need to find a way to overcome. All too much I see people on here talking of these amazing benefits, I have felt them, but I just wanted to help make people aware that you may not, for a long time, but just be patient, because even though you don't feel different in yourself you are still doing good for yourself and your body. Also I wanted to just motivate myself a bit more as I was losing faith in this fight last night and need to really get this down somewhere that I could go back to and other could to.

Good luck friends!

 

Thanks man, we all just need to keep moving forward and not allowing a shunt backwards to stop our momentum!