Day 2 - 34 Year Old Catholic-Convert PMO Addict

Made it through Day 2! Well, caveat - today is “technically day 7 MO free. But I did have a slip yesterday I guess? I looked at some suspect picture for a minute and definitely lingered on some dodgy thoughts for a second. So I dunno if today is day one or two. Still assessing counting.

Either way I suppose I’ll count today as Day 2 as PMO free. TMI but what the hell I suppose this is the place. This is the point in the game when I usually always act up and hit the PMO or at least the MO wall. Haven’t watched porn in maybe 2.5-3 weeks? Probably Bc I moved. The urge is there hardcore.

In addition, biologically I’m at that “backed-up” stage (sorry again for the TMI) where fluids come out after I piss which is always fun to deal with... The body is always full of surprises I suppose. Despite the mildly embarrassing nature of the situation, it does amaze me how the body manages to self-regulate, especially the brain; God-willing how mine will be able to heal itself after this long reboot will finally kick into gear.

Tbh I’ve had a strong pre-meditated porn binge planned. Key word planned, but not yet executed. Uggh. One of my adhd meds Vyvanae, makes me super horny and makes me binge on porn and kinda go crazy for hours... yeah again TMI, and apologies. Then goes the rinse, wash, repeat of shame and guilt cycle.

I keep telling myself I can not fall into the cycle. In my mind I’m optimistic I can avoid it. The “adult with superpowers” tells me that I’m actually capable of self-restraint. Tbh, I’m starting to feel a mild amount of self-discipline grow within me and I’m praying for the grace to be a man and not a little boy and do what’s right. Or, at the very least not fall into the same shitty shame/blame patterns of before and learn my damn lessons and for once, move forward and not backwards- Catholic guilt is sometimes good for something.

Have been going to Mass and praying the Rosary several times per day. For non-Catholics, it’s a really beautiful prayer. Very powerful - give it a shot! Finding God is...hard, but well worth it. Temptation is always, always present. It’s like the closer I get to God, the harder the enemy tries to win me back but the harder I fight back.

Anyways, glad I found this place if even only to vent and feel a sense of “I’m not alone and/or crazy.” Night time is the worst but I’ve been trying to stay busy during the day and when temptation comes knocking at night I distract or ideally, just punch out for the night, pray and hit the hay. Speaking of which...

Be well and hang in there!

-C

 

Thanks ma! God bless hang in there and have a good weekend!