How do you grow out of being a kid?

I am 19 and feel the overwhelming pressure of this. I am constantly facing the death of my youth and it hurts. Posting in thread to see if anyone has any advice! Much love!

 

My mentality is never fixed. Sometimes I feel full grown. Sometimes I regress back to a 13 year old mindset. Sometimes I act like a toddler. I hate that I can't find who I truly am. But I always remind myself that a standard of growth doesn't exist. People mature at different times. And I'm still taking my time. And that is okay as long as I'm moving forward.

 

You pay bills! Lmao!

 

I moved back in with my parents when I was your age for a few years during the recession. I remember feeling somewhat immature in a way for it. I sort of fell back into the same mindset I had growing up, where I would slack off knowing that I had that sense of security. I think your only option is to get out of your parents house. There’s no pressure right now because you feel safe. Once you move out on your own, you have no choice but to get your shit together. There’s no way to prepare for it. Sink or swim.

 

I seem to have a lot of growing to do. I think my growth really started to take flight when I put down pm+ the most recent time on 3/12/13. I put the drug down thousands of times, almost every time I used the last 10 years of active addiction. I just always picked back up again And that had many effects and causes, one effect was my internal growth was stunted because one cause was I was unconsciously running from things I didn’t want to face that were uncomfortable. Going through uncomfortable things, big and little, is how we grow but I had no idea and didn’t particularly want to learn about that process Little things like getting places on time, making my own food, brushing my teeth, doing homework or paid work, none of which I like or want to do in the moment but which benefit me and foster my growth. Big things like when I had to say goodbye the third time to a foster daughter I loved very much and wanted to adopt but who went to another family. I tried to escape the pain of the grief, tried to run away. But wherever I ran I brought me with me. It was like my problems were already there waiting for me when inevitably I could not run any further. So of course I just rested a bit denying the discomfort and then started running as soon as I could. A fool’s errand. Lots of exercise, seeming strong but really just a hamster on a wheel. I say “fool’s errand” but it was more ignorance: if I had known a way to stop running (stay free off pm+) and work through uncomfortable feelings like shame, fear, anger, I would have. I didn’t realize that I had not tried very hard with the latter, maybe because I had tried very hard just very unsuccessfully with the former.
Anyways, so I had some growing that was delayed, and I sometimes hear about addicts being “emotionally immature.” That seems true for me, and I like to focus on the positive since directing my attention to the positive seems to help a lot more with happy sobriety than focusing on the negative, so I like to think about growing instead of how stunted I am. That can get into wallowing in shame, and shame is one form of self-centeredness because it keeps me special and separate from others. I’ve heard it said that the mind’s job is to believe what it thinks and if I focus on how immature I am, which is true, I will have more and more evidence presented to me of how my situation is bad rather than solutions to move forward from that situation.
My mind loves to say things like “Yes Andrew you are very immature you really should BE A MAN dammit.” It shows there is an important question of definition, I like to think of it in terms of growing out of self-obsession, one form of which is pride. I did stop growing inside a long time ago in direct proportion to my selfishness. But I know it isn’t inherent: you look at a baby they don’t have the perfectionism I developed, they don’t have hate or pride that all comes later. Heck does even their selfishness really count, it is ok for them to need milk Basically we all know that a childlike life is admirable and a childish life is no fun for self or others.
One who has grown changes diapers for one who has not, even though it is not pleasant not something we would choose to do on a Saturday morning. One who has grown pays bills that benefit themself and any dependent children, and coaches those children on how to be and act in the world in ways that will benefit the child and people in general. None of this stuff is, in the immediate gratification sense, much if any good to the grown up
One of the the best places I got opportunities to grow in the last couple decades was calling happily sober pm+ addicts when I was embarrassed to say what I needed to say such as “i’m thinking of using pm+ I dont’ think I can stop myself” I was sure they would yell at me and think I was weird. Part of how I got free was, at their suggestion, forgiving people who did me wrongs, even though I did not want to do that I slowly and not steadily did, and growth is still coming out of that!
I had a time early on that I still thought I wanted to to use pm+, that I liked it. I hadn’t had enough. But after some talking to people on the phone who had the solution and going through painful slips and scary escalation in the sexual thoughts that occurred to me I got to a point that I could give up pm+ just for that day. All we really have is the moment so I don’t have to give up forever since that doesn’t exist except in the mind. It comes time to act out and I don’t have to so I don’t. But not by fighting it, so much of my dis-easiness came from fighting everything and everybody: I was fighting urges to use, I was fighting verbally with my wife even though I loved her she just wouldn’t do things the way I said ) and fighting my boss and other people at work and fighting geopolitics and fighting people who were mean to me and drove “the wrong way” and on and on and on, fighting even my self and feelings. Now I practice many times a day let go of fighting anyone or anything, even selfishness about sex and lust which is such a relief. As uncomfortable as it is to stop fighting it is nothing to the discomfort of unsuccessfully fighting pm and addiction. And since I feel uncomfortable that means I am growing
I was taught “problems are opportunities,” “If I want to get stronger I’ll have to do hard things, if I want to be a better person I’ll have to learn to be kind to people who annoy me” and “if you want self esteem do esteemable things.” This process actually feels good after it feels bad, we can get comfortable with the discomfort of growing. A big part of that is to stop fighting any feeling or anything a feeling seems to be about, including shame, pride, sadness, despair

 

Dont worry my friend. You will become a man. This video will help you out :

 

Hey dude, the thing is that becoming a MAN means facing obstacles, trials, pain, success, etc. This world is now catered towards women, easy this, easy that and our parents have therefore treated us as kids. It happened to me. I lived in my family´s home until I was 25, then I got caught using drugs and was kicked out. That is when I STARTED to learn, when you have to worry about your personal issues, mommy and granny (in my case) are not there for me anymore to treat me like a baby. I think being a true man, is a journey. One is not a man simply because you grew a beard or none of that shit, it´s in your mentality, a STRONG mentality to endure pain and make it through the storm and overcome those tough obstacles.

I suggest you start first by voluntarily leaving the comfort of your home.

 

If you can’t retain your seed you’re not a man. If you’re still playing with your dick you’re not a man. Focus on this first and foremost and the rest will work itself out. When you retain your seed you become empowered to strive in other aspects of your life. You learn to let go of everything else that isn’t serving you. If you’ve not experienced this yet than you haven’t gone long enough.

 

You're 100% correct my friend. Without growth there is no point to live. But it is also very important that you should not forget your childhood completely. You should cherish your childhood passions and carry them out in a grown-up manner.

 

that's a nice point.

 

This is it, in a nutshell. Plus maybe having kids, but I can't comment on that from experience.

 

The Western economy is tanking because so many people wanted easy lives for so long, so now even honest work, which is essential to becoming a man, is hard to come by.

Get a teaching job in a country with an up-and-coming currency, like China, Russia, or Nigeria. The experience will mould you, and you'll be away from the mental environment of home, which is holding you back.

Plus, earning as a foreigner in those economies is one way to ease yourself into self-sufficiency. It's a bit of an easy ride, which cushions the blow of having to face barenaked economic realities.

Just a suggestion.

 

Great post!

 

Hey chris. How you doing ? Its been a while.

 

It has indeed, m'lord.

I'm doing great, buddy - thanks. Still no word from Mr. Nemtin, but it's lockdown after all.

How are you doing?

 

i kinda relapsed a bit few days ago. But now i'm back on track and more committed than ever. And i've also been listening to some synthwave music.