This feels like I might jinx it

I have been porn free for over a year and now approaching 4 months sex free.

I don’t love this new me frankly.

I have been diving deep into music, bible study, connecting with friends via zoom etc. I have left all my attachments to multiple girlfriends.
My kids are more important to me again. I have therapy weekly and I don’t hide my phone anymore.

so it’s a success story in the metrics that I wanted to get freed from. But I still miss the escapism that used to be my way of dealing with problems. I hate this paradox. It’s like ... I need to hate my addiction more or maybe be reminded about it more to appreciate where I am now.

my wife and I are now discussing reconciliation. But not living together as I don’t feel totally ready yet.

I have not been super active In nofap, I also have been much more health conscious and not drinking. I now find things that before I could discuss are now triggering and I hate my “new awareness of my weakness”.

I never felt comfortable to do a success story because I have been so feelings based. I wanted to feel awesome about getting past porns grip instead I just feel like I need to distrust my feelings.

Learning to act instead of feel has been hard. It’s not exciting or fun. I have had to reframe success as a boring achievement that is maintained like an aircraft mechanic not a exhilarating achievement that means I’m free.

free, and changed yes.

 

Yes exactly. I think my success story is a rant against all the stories u read where people are scaling buildings in a single bound and shooting laser from their eyes like they have achieved superhuman status.

real life is not photoshopped to perfection. It has valleys and mountains. #truth behind leaving behind a perfected pixelated world is you get to see flaws again.