Not enough content on this forum.

Maybe this is just me, but I only share so much about my relationship with my SO outside of my journal because I feel like it's kind of uncool to be speaking for someone else no matter how close you are. I will still share some info as in how she reacted or what she said about x and y, but not going to speak for her. I never thought to make a thread about how she took me telling her about it because she didn't really have much to say about it when I told her this is what I'm doing other than 'okay'.

 

Thank you for sharing your request for my information and content. This is 90 days for me without PM in a relationship, this is after 1.5 years of lying after a 11 month no PM recovery period which is after 3 years of PMO in a relationship with lying.

There used to be a lot more content in the Relationship section a few years ago from the last time I was attempting recovery. I do not see most of those couples now, I am guessing based on the reasons below.

I will let you know there is a lot of content out there on the internet in general and a lot of men and women in relationships who wish to be committed in a fulfilling way without any pornography. I will tell you, when it comes to porn and relationships, its not about porn. Its not about other women and it is about other women. Fundamentally to challenge the place of pornography in an addicts life in a relationship comes down to the most sensitive areas possible for an individual, which makes the incentive to give up or ignore something stronger than ever.

Most of the forum as single men/women trying to rid themselves of a "habit". What are most of their complaints when they fail? Shame, uncomfortable feelings, the feelings they were trying to escape from in the first place with addictive behavior, especially sex since it is used to mask emotion and it gets turned into something that is not sex, that assumption is difficult to get out of on its own.

Take that same situation, but add a partner, a wife, a lover, children, family, years of trust, all of that turns into betrayal and uncomfortable feelings from reality. The image of what you thought you had and were disappears overnight. Shame, guilt, the meaning we put on relationships, then you start working on emotions like resentment, blame, lying. The picture of what you work on has increased exponentially and you must be responsible to some degree to others. Everything here then means so much more to a person. That is not to say people who are single don't have the same level of problems, but when you're responsible to another human being or many more, everything for yourself being questioned is more difficult. Simply put, there is a lack of content creation because it is difficult and meaningful and we don't meet it because it takes a different level of meaningful exploration.

Here are some resources borrowed from my girlfriend https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/journal-so-recovery.179909/, all of this we accumulated three years ago, I hope it can help you. I'm actually going to take another dive into some of these topics, its a bit eerie reading them a second time. That nagging feeling is something I've picked up on to work on. I will most likely be working on some content creation in the relationship section going forward, perhaps a primer for relationships starting out, I'm not sure. The below are just an aggregate of resources and articles compiled. The biggest part of why this section is so different than other parts of this website is that when you are by yourself you can lie and get away with a number. In a relationship, 30, 60, 90, 120, 365 will not help you be a better partner. Partnership is ultimately about the authentic experience continuously created and freely chosen between people, you can't just remove a negative and you'll have to learn so much more to make it up to someone.

Additional helpful articles on this topic:

Healthy dependency

Irrelationship vs codependency

Irrelationship and abuse

Co-creating emotional unavailability

“Intimacy Disorder” by Sam Louie

“Life, Interdependence and the Pursuit of Meeting Needs” by Miki Kashtan – on the discomfort with receiving I see common among compulsive caregivers including myself.

Wikipedia page for Attachment in Adults

Reading:

More * = more influential source of information for me (my partner)

1. ***** Blame, Responsibility, and Care (The source of most of what I have written here)

2. ***** How to Get the Intimate Partner You Most Want to Have (I found this article very helpful for myself. I do my best to live by the idea of “when you are feeling devalued do something to feel more valuable, not more powerful”)

3. ***** Anger, Anxiety, Resentment, Stress, and Basic Humanity (On how blame, resentment, anger, shame and anxiety are linked)

4. *** Love and Toddler Brain Coping Mechanisms (On Blame, Denial and Avoidance as toddler coping mechanisms)

5. Don’t Justify What You Want to Change

6. No More Blaming

7. Take Personal Responsibility, Don't Blame Others (you shouldn’t blame yourself for your feelings and you shouldn’t blame others for theirs)

8. Stop Blaming Your Partner For Your Relationship Unhappiness!

9. Stop Blaming Others For Why You're Not Doing What You Want

10. What Head Games Look Like in Lasting Relationships (on the way our perception of our partner’s actions is context-dependent and why not analyzing it can be toxic)

11. Taking Responsibility versus Taking the Blame (on how to accept responsibility for your action and not someone else’s feelings)

12. Why You Blame Yourself for Bad Relationships—and How to Stop (on how to stop taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings, possibly helpful for SOs who are in the cycle of blaming themselves for the PA’s addiction or PA’s who feel yelled at no matter what they do)

13. 52 Ways to Show I Love You: Accepting Responsibility

14. How We Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over (On justifying negative feelings – a phenomenon I have experienced to be tightly linked to blame and resentment. Also mentioned is PTSD as a breakdown of state-dependent recall which I find relevant to this post but in ways I don’t fully understand yet)

15. Feelings and Needs We All Have (for improving your emotional vocabulary and connecting your feelings with your needs)

Learn about shame

• Is Your Anger a Cover for Shame?
• When Others Judge Us
• Anger, Anxiety, Resentment, Stress, and Basic Humanity
• What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?
• 11 Reasons Never to Shame Anyone
• The Shame Family
• The 2 Factors Which Give Shame Its Great Power
• Shame After Betrayal
• The Corrosive Power of Shame
• Anger Problems: A Smokescreen for Fear-Shame Phobia
• Don’t Justify What You Want to Change
• Pain, Suffering, and Validation (an easy to misunderstand article which is not saying that invalidation is not bad or that validation is not important – this is about a perceived “need” for validation and the problems that come along with it
• How Compassion Can Help You Support an Addicted Loved One (no, shaming them harder will NOT “force” them to face anything, no matter how much you wish it would)

What to do with shame

• How Recognizing Shame Can Help Us Grow (Shame can be toxic, but avoiding shame can be worse.)
• Overcoming the Paralysis of Toxic Shame
• How to Get the Intimate Partner You Most Want to Have
• How To Learn Self-Compassion at Home
• Letting Go of Victimization
• Emotional Abuse (Overcoming Victim Identity)
• Why Do We Do What We Do? (“How not to be ruled by feelings, habits, impulses and thoughts”)
• Lost and Then Found—Your Self
• Can Shame Be Your Friend?
• Expressing Our Pain without Blame
• Mourning Our Way to Acceptance

Secrecy

• Why Secrets Can Ruin Relationships
• You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets (not a great article but has some good ideas)
• Do Partners Owe Each Other Total Honesty and Openness?
• Small Lies Often Lead to Big Lies in Relationships

Fear of Compassion and Intimacy (Fear of Shame)
Irrelationship

• 3 Reasons Intimacy Might Feel Too Dangerous for You
• Are Fears Of Self-Compassion Holding Us Back?
• Why Do Couples Get into Downward Spirals?
• Life, Interdependence, 
and the Pursuit of Meeting Needs (on the challenges of giving and receiving)

Authenticity

• Honesty, Transparency, and Power
• Exploring Authenticity
• “Learned Mindfulness”: Achieving Authentic Integrity
• What Happens When We Are Too Self-Protective? (stop “protecting” yourself from shame)
• How Do You Evaluate Your Self-Worth?

More

• A Duty to Be Beautiful? (societal emphasis on beauty as an “ethical ideal”)
• Love in the Time of Perfectionism
• Are You a Cynical Idealist?
• Empathy Hurdles
• Intention and Effect (“Too busy protesting innocence of intent to take in the effects of our actions?)
• Sex, Vulnerability, and Power

 

Here's another thread that just has tips as well, maybe a lot of answers to your questions:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/in-case-you-didnt-know.84619/

 

Imagine responding to these kind of messages rather than straight up reporting them lol