Could you forgive cheating?

I’ve been with my husband 33 years. He is an incredible man who has a horrible addiction that he either chooses to act on or chooses to be clean. I’ve not felt disrespected by him, I’ve felt unloved and unappreciated. He speaks so highly of me to everyone, asks my opinions and thoughts about decisions at his work, and has never belittled or blamed me in any way.He has never lied about anything other than his porn use. He is my biggest supporter in every venture I’ve had. I know I’m in the minority with the respect issue. I’d say almost everyone feels disrespected when lied to, but I felt it was because he didn’t love me. Obviously this won’t make sense to anyone but me, but that’s how I feel. When our first child was born, I didn’t change one diaper the first 5 days. My husband did it all. He got up every 2 hours changed the babies diaper handed him to me to nurse then rocked him to sleep so that I could get more rest. He took 6 weeks off in spite of his work pressuring him to come back. There is good and bad in every relationship. Give and take. Nothing is ever black and white. You learn this as you get older. Some learn it sooner than others. Had I known about his addiction or had I known he lied to me, I would not have married him. As it was, it was 5 years before I caught him. It gets harder to walk away once your married and have kids. Get clean! Then get into a relationship. As it is, in spite of his addiction, I’ve had a very blessed life! Better than I deserve, and far more than I ever thought to ask for.

 

I was so desperate and longing for my ex-GF that I forgave her cheating 3x times. Three fucking times. People wouldn't believe me/take me serious if I tell them this.

Mostly because I thought I'm not good enough to find any comparable good looking woman ever again. She was stunningly attractive, but she had her mental disorders and promiscuity was part of it. She always returned though and until this day never managed to get any lasting long relationship apart from me. I think she just has a personality disorder and I was hugely contributing to a co-dependent toxic relationship.

The weird thing is. It didn't bother me that much. Now that might sound really fucked up to most people. Yes, the betrayal hurt like getting stabbed in the stomach when I heard it. But to me it wasn't a red line. The only things that would make me want to leave a woman for good instantly is (offline) prostitution and illegal drugs. That would be a no go and I would never look back ever again.

But I wouldn't mind having a GF/wife that leads a promiscuous life as long as she meets a few criteria: 1) asks for my permission first every time and is loyal to me (= in the sense of being married/living with me), 2) gets no STIs and 3) would be returning the favour by be willing to engage in a swinging lifestyle and 4) I don't mind my partner having sex with other people, because I want that myself, but I'm totally appalled if it happens without my permission or if it would lead to leaving/divorcing me. My ex-GF didn't fulfill 1) and 4), but otherwise I would have forgiven her instantly.

Is thinking like that crazy?

I had this thinking since a long time already, even in my youth before the height of my PMO addiction and I always felt like long-term couples can have sex with other people as long as they stay together. To be damned to have sex with one single person for life seems kinda unnatural to me. Is this thinking common around couples or is it very rare or they simply don't want to speak out the truth that they want to experience extramarital sex without losing their actual marriage because they are afraid?

 

As long as you and your partner agree and have the same values then that’s your life. Of course it’s ok. Would I want that? No way, lol. I don’t think of it as “ to be dammed “ to only have sex with my husband. I think if it as blessed and fortunate to have sex with him. To each their own. Although the few people I know who have open marriages or are swingers are all now on 3rd marriages lol. You may meet someone who changes your mind too.

 

What do you mean by 3rd marriages? Like 3 times divorced?

I don't know, I'm just very honest on this forum and telling my deepest feelings. Since my youth I already dreamed of a partner who stays with me until death, but at the same time is very willing to engage in swinging. It may sound like a contradiction, but I'm very loyal and very open-minded at the same time. I feel like it's difficult to find someone with the same mindset.

 

Yes, 2 divorces 3rd marriages all of them. I’m sure you can find someone with the same idea. It’s just harder because sex without connection /emotion is harder for women and most want monogamy. As long as you’re honest and open.

 

Yes, feeling unloved is probably a better way to describe it. In my opinion, respect is a part of it, but when it comes down to it, someone who lies to you is saying something about what they value more—you, or their own self-image. Obviously people make mistakes and lie when they are addicted to something, but you know how much it still hurts. And to not have known for 5 years...dang, I'm sure that hurt. I'm glad you two love each other and are making things work.

Several months into dating my girlfriend, I told her that I used to be addicted to porn. (I was clean the whole time I dated her, by God's grace I will never choose to watch porn again). I told her because I didn't want there to be any secrets about my weakness. I wanted to live up to the standard that I would want in a partner. It wasn't until recently that I found out that she had lied about lots of things in her past, and then since I lost trust, I would continue to question her. I had a gut feeling that she was still lying to me about a lot of things. And she was, small things and big things, but lies nonetheless. It happened over and over and eventually I gave up trying to change her. I realized she would have to change for herself, not just to appease me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

In a long-distance relationship, you cannot meet your partner always to have sex so sometime yes either of you or both of you have to satisfy through cam or phone sex and that is completely okay as far as I think. There is nothing as objectifying him/her till you are fapping in their knowledge.He/she is not with you in real so you are imagining them to be with you in your thought, you are not degrading their respect nor the respect of the relationship. Yes, when the partner is with you and still you are fapping that is wrong. Every one feels horny and I also do feel sometime and that is completely biological so yeah instead of cheating her by sleeping with someone else I would prefer to fap with her consent.
Everyone has their opinion, I prefer to be one-women-men...

 

most people arent cuckolds

 

now i see i see why u are mad and jealous its cuz of ur own experiences so i wont blame ur lack of logic and psalms27

 

If they cheated intentionally without caring about my feelings, then I won't forgive and would leave forever
For me Cheating is Doing Something That You Didn't Expected And Which Hurted You.

 

There is no such thing as unintentional cheating

 

It can be. Sometimes people expect too much and when their expectations are not fulfilled, they feel cheated. And sometimes the other person is really gullible and don't know that what he/she is doing is actually cheating.
Although what I just said might not be practical because I couldn't come up with an examole that could support this statement

 

unintentional = not on purpose

cheating = intimacy (usually referred to kissing and sex) with another person outside your relationship

you can't have unintentional sex with someone, neither kiss someone unintentional (dont come at me with some disney movie logic where they open the door at the same time and touch lips)

therefore there is no unintentional cheating

there is cheating (intentional)
there is rape (against your will)

end of story

 

if the cheater is a sex addict then id say yes cause they are addicted to sex, an they need help, like a drug addict needs help,

 

how about a sex addict doesnt get in a relationship before fixing their issue if they know "they have an issue that will cause them to cheat"

 

thats one route but im no therapist

 

Everyone have their own ways to consider cheating. A person from a small village with conservative mindset will think that the girl is cheating on her because she was hanging out with boys. No matter how much she convince him he would still think she had sex wjth them and will feel insecure and cheated at the same time. Hence proved.

 

Your wife hangs out with boys alone? And you didn't prove anything. You did not disprove what I said, therefore my statement is still correct.

 

Question is a bit vague

early stages of a relationship - yes
late stages of relationship - probably not, not sure, will depend
engaged - no
married - no
emotional cheating - depends on circumstances, with whom and when in the relationship, would take a lot of effort to reconcile

 

Most say no; they wouldn't forgive a cheater. Statistics tell us most actually do. Or, if not forgive, then at least stay in the relationship, which doesn't necessarily mean "forgiving".

My husband watched pornography behind my back while at the same time turning me down sexually (I need a lot of sex). He then proceeded to have an affair with a co-worker and sent me on vacation, so he could bang her in peace, but did a lousy job, because porn makes you a shitty lover.

We are still married. He got treated for his depression and things between us are better. He broke it off with the other woman and stopped being cruel.

The porn addiction was worse and hurt slightly more (thousands of women compared to just one he had physically). Of course, the affair led to three months of burning pee and some wart like growths that haven't gone away. I also had to go to therapy and eat antidepressants to prevent suicide. For a year, I cried every day, all day. Then I cried every other day, twice a week, once a week. Now I'm mainly dead inside, but that's a good thing! I will never trust anyone ever again, except of course for my doctor, who hopefully can treat the bumps in my vagina at my next appointment.

Have I forgiven him? Well, is that possible? He slaughtered the person I was. All thanks to porn.