Relapse after 88 days.

After taking the challenges and concentrated for almost 60 days, things started to slip, and I found myself getting into that straight line of no progress. Saturation mode that lasted for 28 days. It was the hardest of my quest, I won't know what could have happened if I didn't relapse.
But I will share my story about the first 60 days. I first started watching explicit scenes by the age of 11, on cable TV, during that time I didn't know what was that. All I understood it was all images. But I started watching pornography by the age of 13 and then started masturbating almost 6 months after my first movie. I am 28 years old now. As I am mentioning all of that, I am clear to say, I am a 100% virgin, as I never had a girlfriend because I never searched for one, and always concentrated on having friends, and going out or traveling. Yes, I am a weirdo who never had a kiss before. But I never knew that porn and masturbation were stopping me. But as I went through and read a lot, I found that I wasn't searching not because I didn't concentrate on having one, but because pmo was already giving me that fake satisfaction. It became clear to me that I have personal issues. So, last year I took a decision on quitting pmo and went through nofap november and I did 2 months. Then I fell into relapsing again, but I didn't fap as much as I did before taking that decision. I even had a calendar to check my progress, and found that my rate decreased a lot since then with maybe 10 times a month. But I didn't stop there, and went on to do another nofap and wanted to quit again, started April during the lockdown. As everyone was feeling it hard to stay to nofap, I felt I have to do the opposite. So I went on to do a one long streak but I didn't give any deadline for my streak, because I didn't want to break my promise to myself.
First month, it passed so smooth that I felt myself recovered and started to feel that everything will be normal again ( sadly I don't know what that meant as I feel I had already did it a lot to even think whats not ). I started reading a book weekly, and started writing my dairy. During that time, I started learning programming, and I started learning Swift, then JS (NodeJS, ReactJS).
Second month, it went so good and didn't think of relapsing. Then I had my first ever wet dream in my life. It was a weird experience but I felt that my body is starting to recover now, and I getting better. Even my way of talking and thinking started to change. And I felt completely different than how I was. Sadly, we were still on lockdown so I didn't get the experience of other people meeting me and how will I react. But I didn't stop my self improvement and continued my journey on reading and finally by the end of the month I finished the Swift and JS programming learning, and I made some projects but I didn't feel they were good enough to publish.
Third month, that was the worst of all. By the start of June, I had passed a couple of days into my 3rd month. I felt myself getting into that bad saturation mode. I lost interest in everything, I even stopped my daily diaries, and started writing a couple of days together every 3 or 4 days. But I kept on going, but I felt the challenge is getting harder and harder. So I wanted to fight it, so I started a Java course and thought about starting from there. I even gave up reading. So I thought about meditation, maybe that will help me more and get me out of what I feel. But days went on and everyday I felt worse than the day before. A morning I woke up with a fantasizing mindset. That was the day I relapsed.
So I just got up, and thought to myself, ok I relapsed but thats not the end, so I went on to take a very cold shower. But sadly since then I relapse if not everyday, so it's every other day. After a week of being on the slide, I felt I needed to write out my experience, maybe my story will inspire someone out there, and maybe it will give me hope to see what I became after I stopped and where am I going with all my relapses. I feel like my challenge is tough because I never experienced a relationship, so I don't know whats normal sex life is. All I experienced was that flat screen. Maybe my story will get lots of negative feedbacks because some will see me as a weirdo. I can't share whats not mine, so I wanted to share everything about my sexual life. I believe in myself. As I once slipped and watched porn then started the masturbation journey, I can stop that line. I started this journey because I wanted to get better, and I will do whatever I can to get better.
I can share my whole success story, and what I felt during that period of nofap, and I can write lines maybe pages about how happy I was. And for the first time I felt successful in my own personal life.
But I can write it in brief sentence. " I felt alive ".

 

I found the best way to get into the mood, is to just start it everyday at the same time. Put a schedule for starting your programming, that way you somehow hack your brain, that during this period he will be working. But don't give a maximum limit to it. Sometimes I say to myself I will sit for an hour or 2 then I find myself having a break after 6 hours.

 

It's good to know that I am not alone in this world. Thank you for your support bro, really appreciate it.

 

HAHAHA maybe. Thank you for your support man, really appreciate it.

 

I felt, I shouldn't be writing the 20 lines of how everything changed inside me. I just wanted to say how everything went. But the most important thing I felt was feeling the moment and feeling alive.

 

Thanks bro.

 

I started some videos on youtube, then I switched on the udemy courses (no ads but that was recommended by a friend). Swift I learnt from the Apple book and took a course on the website I mentioned. Then I progressed and started the JS, and now I am going back into origin of Java and maybe C++ later.