Hello everyone, introducing my self 22 y/o and want to reborn

Hi everyone my name is Jorge im from Guadalajara México really cool place i've been living here my entire life. I am a male i have 22 years old and i have been consuming pornography since 9 years but i started to masturbate to it when i was 12-13 y/o so 13y in porn and 9.5y in masturbation. (dont judge me)

At the beginning i just watch it for curiousity but then i started to fall in an addiction, before that i really didnt even know it very well i mean, i know that there was a human act to reproduce and make a child wich was sex wich is ok, i understand that very well with the biology books, then i started to hear from my friends that thing of porn, wich was the act but in full scene but i didnt put them atention.

Soon after in the park of my neighborhood my friends and i discover a bag full of cd's with covers of naked womans, was my first time watching that. I could feel something weird in me since that, one of my friends take us to his home, he had a dvd player and put on of those cd's, i wasnt understanding very well but some how i was feeling things but also i felt bad, but then we stopped because more than one didnt like the scene and feel scary, we collect all the cd's and we destroy them. (was my very first aproaching)

In those days in my home we didnt have internet, we only were my mom and i since my dad just left us behind and never comback only to ask for money 20 ys later and many failure attempts to return with my mother (this is important, was the detonant to my change).

I met the internet in the school int the computational class, thats where i heard more about that, i told to my friends of the school what we found in my neighborhood that day, they told me that was porn and in the internet its full of it , i asked them how? they said just type porn in Google and acces to the first page. Also i didnt have internet, so when i was in house of one of my friends we were playing and then he took me to his room to show me that their parents given him a computer and they have internet, both we wanted to look for something but no one say nothing so "playing" we started to look for those web pages and we found them with no problems, we just watch one of the vidios and start to feel weird again but at the same time i was feeling horribly and i told him to stopped and close it, (At this point i wasnt consuming it... Yet).

Before that my mom decided to get an internet package because she bought a computer years ago, but i didnt use it (and it supossed that was for my education ... What a dissapointmet) after that computer turn into something useful i knew what i want and where to find it, my mom works in an hospital and sometimes had to leave me alone in the house, we were poor and there was no family in the city yet to take care of me and neither neighboors and also there were no babysitters those days (no one to trust really) but it wasnt my first time alone, so it was the moment, i enter to one of those sites and thats when i finally started to consume porn somehow i enjoyed but still feeling bad, but i wasnt taking care of my acts and one day my mom checked the navigation history and i was in problems, serious problems. My mom was very dissapointed of my acts needless to say, she banned me from the computer and other things for a very long while, after all i was fine but i was waiting the day to go back to those sites, time passed and i started taking care of my acts, if im watching those sites I need to erase my tracks, i've really begin to be an addict and hide it to my mom, friends and closest people that once i had.

My life began to change, I distanced myself socially from everyone else since I started masturbating with those images, my mood went from bad to worse, I started yelling at my mother, I fought with her for my own privacy and I no longer wanted Being with my family, I lost all my friends, boys and girls, I hated going to school, I didn't know how to act in front of girls after what I have seen, my vocabulary changed, I was good people and I became very strange. I didn't know how to make friends, the bullying started because one day I was curious about the size of my penis, if one day it would be bigger than the ones I seen in the videos, then I took a photo with those old 4mbps phones to compare it.

The next day, one of my classmates took my phone and found the photo and showed it to the rest of the class, it didn't deserve respect, just shame for the rest of my life, that was my feeling, the bullying was horrible and I couldn't say anything because if my mother knew, she would probably accept me or just hate me for the rest of my life (and the punishment I would receive) my entire world became hell for my own actions, it was all my fault (when she realized that she didn't abandon me or hate me, but things were even worse, still i kept my addiction hidden).

Dont know how i managed to finish the secondary with the first 2 years(well here in mexico its a primary(6-12yo), secondary(12-15yo), highschool(15-18yo)) with very strong depressive actitude and no more life wills but i finished, i had to change of school each year of the secondary for my social problems, but in the last year of the secondary was in a Christian School and i learned good things there, i decided to accept my addiction and continue with my life.

When I entered high school, things were different, people were way mature and I feel that in different places, different people, nobody knows me, I had a wonderful opportunity to shine. My first year was not so bad, but I couldn't connect with the people I liked, I was in the next level of masturbation(self pity), somehow I found my group of friends who accept me for who I was and learned more about relationships (and if you ask me I'm still virgin, I just can't give that step, feeling so dirty inside that i couldnt).

They teach me how to rejoin society, look for a job, look for a girlfriend (and almost have it) and go out with friends, and I was taking care of my addiction and I found the right people who told me to stop doing it, and now is when I finally decided to do it, I was putting it off over and over again, and I was already on the other level of self-satisfaction, I was masturbated to heal my mental health and it got even worse (it's now when that happen) like 2 years ago, nothing matters to me, If I die, if I finish high school, I was just doing it for my mother, not myself.

And about my father i saw him this year before the pandemia begins, he was here to apologize and make things work, i had lot of expectations but he didnt care about my self because he sended me pornography, there I realized the type of person I would become, i blocked him, told everyone in the family and i no longer have news about him and dont want it.

I actually started to feel awake again, i start to feel emotions again, i feel that im connecting with people again, look to their eyes and i laught of their stories or feel emotional of their bad moments, i finally start to feel alive once again, and i didnt realise was for an a stupid adiction that almost ruin my life, but no, i have more life to go, and i want to be healthy, i want to be good person again i want everything i lost back.

Not all its just misserable after all i am an educated person since a kid, but my behavior changed for my addiction, and now i regret for my actions, at least i feel proud that the people that didnt know my adiction i treat them with all the respect they deserved ¿but they deserved the respect of someone like me? life gave me signs with sort people and from my mom and i didnt put them atention until now, i have understanded the whole mess that ive done and its time to do something for me and for the people that i love.

Please i want you'r help i regret of everything, many times i cried alone, many times wished it never happened, you know something? i learned the worst way the horrifine that this porn and masturbation adiction is and what it does to you.

I started my reboot today 20/07/2020 so i have 0 days