Finding a way back (Masturbation+porn addiction + lifestyle)

I tried ending my addiction here once, a few years ago, but it failed and i never had the courage or resolution to try again. But due to lots of confounding factors (which I'll briefly list out next) I've realised that I have absolutely no other choice but to go at it again - not just ending my porn+masturbation addiction, but also overhauling my entire lifestyle

I'm 30 years old, and currently in Medical school (BOOM - surprise surprise, medical student who is barely keeping his life intact and a cupboard full of skeletons). And I'm married (BOOM again, here's a guy with a wife but who is addicted to porn, which is affecting my physical and spiritual relationship with my wife bigtime). Did I mention that I'm fat too? (I'm 30kg over my ideal weight, lets just leave it at that). When you get breathless from walking, yea thats major alarm bells going off there.

But I wasn't always like this. okay i've been addicted to porn since 15 or 16, so thats pretty much half my life. But I wasn't this fat before, I was in the military for abit and I was pretty damn fit (I was an army officer).

SO why now? Its a vicious cycle that will leave have you raising your eyebrows for sure, but here goes: So medical school is stressful (no shit sherlock) and I'm not doing that well. A big part of the blame goes towards my masturbation and porn addiction (affects my concentration and energy levels, plus I'm distracted all the time). And when I'm stressed, I go at it again. or sometimes, I snack! and I snack alot, at all sorts of odd hours. so my weight balloons, and I'm having body image issues (even worse because I looked pretty decent before, so the stark difference is even more distressing) - I'm stressed about studies and my weight now! so I go at it again (or snack again, depending on my mood). Did I mention that my addiction and weight issue is affecting my physical relationship with my spouse? oh yea thats right, more stress (and the cycle repeats itself)
Why don't I just exercise then? and stop snacking? Well the irrational bit holding me back is that I'm not doing well in my studies, so any time not spent studying is time wasted. and the snacking part is just impulsive

SORRY my life is an absolute mess! but in general, I'm in a pretty bad place right now, and I've got ALOT of things to sort out
But it isn't all bad actually, at least I've been able to self analyze my problems and come up with a strategy - its just the lack of disciple that's been holding me back. I should have come here earlier, but I guess part of me didn't want to admit my problem, until now

My strategy for finding my way back:
1. NoFAP (less time wasted on masturbation and porn, more energy and better concentration will help me in my studies and self image issues)
2. QUIT my 15 year porn addiction (wow this is going to be insane)
3. Resume a daily exercise routine (set weight loss goals)
4. Adopt a healthy diet and quit snacking

Its a big step for me.. but I hope I can start putting pieces of my life back together soon

 

The replies really helped! Not gonna lie this is pretty tough, first day and the temptations came pretty frequently! And I was pretty afraid of what the replies were so I didn't read then for a good 4 to 5 hours.
So I finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself and came up to a whopping 100kg. Always had heavy bones but my ideal weight should be around 70kg, that extra 30 has got to go somehow! It feels like working on both my porn/masturbation addiction and dredging the motivation to start an exercise routine is an insurmountable obstacle, so I'll work on the addiction first and once I've got a better grip on it (maybe after a week or two) then I'll add in the exercise routine!

Gonna leave small updates here to try and keep myself going, and also just keep busy in general so I don't have the time to let my imagination run wild!

I've been staying in the living room, keeping the doors and windows open, and with the support of the community here I'll get through this somehow (though I know for sure the toughest moments surely lie ahead in the next 2 to 3 days)

Fap/porn free for: 0.5 days

 

Wow thanks for the support everyone! this community is amazing and the accountability got me through the day unscathed! helps that I'm busy juggling my clinical postings and taking my exams. Still surreal to see the COVID insanity unfolding across the country and wondering where it all went wrong, I've been wandering around the forums and it seems like alot of other people have been struggling in this period too
How do you juggle family and postgrad studies that's just amazing! kudos to you, and your family sounds lovely.. glad to have someone also on a weight loss challenge as well!

Well my wife is actually an RN in another hospital, and the pandemic is running us both ragged, we're just tired to the bone everyday (starting a family will probably have to wait, thats the last thing on our minds right now), and worried for the health and safety of ourselves and our families. SO yea not much time spent together, but we're just working to get through this situation in one piece (meanwhile the clown leading the country just creates a new shitshow every few hours - SMH someone get him out please!)

Discipline is something I'm sorely lacking, so I'm thinking of finding some old friends from college to work out with, accountability for an exercise regimen is going to be another massive undertaking in the near future!

Thanks for the encouragement! Glad to know I'm not alone here

 

Wow thanks! I'm going to watch those videos, the first one was fantastic and i'm looking forward to the rest! Probably will ration it out and tune into one of the videos everytime I feel like giving in, its like having a person talking to me and reminding me why I started this in the first place

My personal experience with porn is very similar to what has been described so many times before, with increasing time and "requirements" with each viewing such that I realised I could easily be spending an hour or more each time! Combined with the tiredness after, and the lack of concentration for the rest of the day and thats pretty much half a day of productivity gone down the drain. But the addiction circuit is real, and its so much stronger than our logic circuits, so even if i know how harmful this is, its still tough to stop. Guess a hard reboot is the best way to go for now!
The last time i tried to go PMO free a few years ago, admittedly I didnt get far but i do remember how it felt, like having increased concentration levels, with things looking "sharper" and more vivid, that even included things like colors! If thats what life can be like without porn and masturbation, when time and energy isn't wasted on such frivolous and cheap replacements, then I shudder to think of how much life i've wasted or missed out on these past years. For sure, I know that theres more to me than what I'm currently struggling through, I used to be really good in studies when I was young but somewhere along the way I fell off the track! I've only gotten to where I am now because of sheer and agonizing hard work, but i remember how effortless and enjoyable studying used to be for me, and its so different now when everything takes disproportionately more effort (even compared to my friends in class)

Now, more often than not, it feels like my brain is empty and running on autopilot, or even non-functional (i believe some people call it "being stoned"), and I'm curious if doing this will help me unlock an "upgraded" version of myself, with more confidence, and most importantly discipline and drive to get things done.

So far, the temptations today came in small but frequent "bursts", I've managed to suppress them by keeping on the move, being busy, and the video earlier by Universal Man helped too! I can really forsee the urges getting bigger and more frequent, surely this can't even be close to the worst yet.

You're right too, that a 15 year bad habit cannot just be removed from my life, and I'll be looking forward to replacing such a big vacuum in my life with new, different experiences!

Thanks! I really struggled along the way here, and to be honest I expected more out of myself, part of me wondered if porn could be the reason (i.e. would cutting out porn make everything else easier). Looks like I'll have the chance to find out! Part of my reason for wanting to quit is also because I'm surrounded by so many wonderful women at work, at school etc and part of me realised how disrespectful porn is to them (and women in general), and it becomes so easy to objectify them as just tools for sexual gratification. These are people who I want to be able to have an enjoyable, genuine and intimate conversation with over a meal or a drink, and I'm also trying to channel this bit of motivation into my efforts to quit porn and masturbation

Fap/porn free for: 1.5 days