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The story of a man struggling with depression and anxiety

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Coolbreeze, May 21, 2020.

  1. Do you have actives/hobbies you could also fill that time with? something to make you feel meaningful.
     
  2. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    I do have a lot of hobbies and activities. For example I used to organize sporting activities for elderly people every thursday. Also, I like to go gym like 5 times a week to stay in shape. I also go running or do bootcamping with group of friends. In addition to this I like to meet people for drinks in the city.

    Now almost all of these activities have vanished because of corona. Essentially, Corona is not a great time for anyone suffering mentally. However, I must say I am quite satisfied with how I am feeling even though corona is happening out there.

    Corona time is also a time in which I have learnt to reflect and seek within. This is the perfect time for that.

    ----------------
    Now we go to the story of today. I am going to be honest, I used to Fap once or twice each day, generally without skipping a day. This is mostly because I have always believed that I need it to relax due to my high testosterone levels. I never got them checked I just feel like I am a high testosterone man. I had relationships with various girls and my performance in the bed was remarked on by most of them. Now I am on my 2nd day (Yes I know, only second.. still happy to go though!!). I already feel that its a bit different than normal mostly because of energy or drive. Another thing I noticed today is that I got really angry at my dad without really showing it to him. What I mean is that I managed to stay cool and go with the flow. I felt really proud after keeping myself in control and just following the conversation along. On the other hand I had quite some anxiety when my dad looks a big irritated or angry at me. I feel like he feels that he is sort of losing his power as a dad role because I have recently started to assume a more dominant son role in the family. By more dominant I mean more calm and generally less irritable because I handle stress better.

    Today I also thought that I had to compensate with meditation because I felt like the quality of my first session was not that high. It is of great importance to realize that not all meditation sessions are going to be great, but consistency is key always! I will keep doing 3 times a day for 30 minutes. I really felt like my attention is so amazing. I can decide what I pay attention to and not unknowingly follow whatever is in front of me. I look around and notice much more. Keep it up for sure and STAY COOL!

    Cya
     
    PerseveranceToday likes this.
  3. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Since the last couple of days I have noticed some anxious thoughts, but I manage to take control of them and re-focus my awareness to the present moment. Without making this an obsession I believe that what mindfulness meditation does it teach you to be aware of what you are aware of. 1 year ago, I would have a negative thought and keep thinking about it for a good amount of time. Now, I feel like something in my brain knows that I am thinking about something that is not really there and that if I want to I can re-focus to the present moment. It feels like I have more control. Sometimes you want to explore a negative thought to know where it comes from and then this is entirely fine. All in all I can say that I am really starting to like the awareness that I am having.

    This by no means is a fix to everything in my life. But it may very well the beginning of a very great story. This will definitely help me by making more steps in the right direction.

    -The coming weeks my parents will be gone for some time and I felt a bit alone when they left. I realize this is an emotion and I didn't really like it so I decided to re-shift my attention to a video-game and some nice music.
    -I have been thinking a lot that I need to be more productive for my project for school. However, I have A LOT of time this summer so quite frankly there is not a lot of pressure. What I must realize though is that I don't entirely cross it off because it has to happen. It would be good to work on it at least 3 or 4 days to stay in the flow. Otherwise I would forget about what I wrote the last time and it might become a bit more complex.
    -I have realized that going full hard-mode on NOFAP is not for me at the moment. I want to take it a bit slow and just be aware of it. Being aware of it means making concious decisions. This means NoFap for maybe a week, and then another week etc.
    - I feel a lot of relief that I am performing much better the last couple of days. I feel quite happy and generally my mindset is really chill! However, I still struggle with the idea that I will have to make steps in my social friend circle. It feels like it is easy for me to be socially comfortable with family, or with the barber, or in the supermarket. But when it comes to really meeting friends I sort of feel like a pressure. This pressure is probably because the last year I haven't been seeing them much due to my mental state. I felt too bad to really make steps. I was too tired and had 0 motivation. Now I have motivation but I am a bit scared, so it is different. I should accept invitations from people and not focus too much on how it is going but just be aware in the moment. Well, actually I dont need to do anything. just enjoying is all I need to do haha. But to be honest what I mean is that I am training myself to become more aware of the present moment as explained before and this will likely help me. I will do my best to not have constant expectations that I HAVE to be in the moment or have to do things. The best thing is just to keep on meditation a few days a week and accept invitations to events or parties and gradually work my way back into the friends group. Even though times are a bit different from before because most friends have fulltime jobs now so its not like student time anymore haha.

    Anyways this will be all for today. I wish you all a great day and looking forward to writing my next post.
     
  4. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Today has been a pretty good day. Over the last days I seem to have increasingly much energy. I feel like I am getting more in control of how I want to behave and or feel. It is like I have consistently more energy but I can control my ups and down. In the past for example I used to get over excited about many things, for example girls or music/parties. But these things are now great and they seem to motivate me but still not in a too-much way. If I get overexcited and I feel like I am losing control I can redirect my focus and regain control. Ver nice thing to be able to have control.
     
    PerseveranceToday likes this.
  5. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    I have realized that not all meditation is as effective for me. The type of meditation I have been doing lately is very effective and I catch myself overthinking countless times per day (probably more than 100 times). And every time I bring back the attention so something in the present moment, this can be my breath, something I hear, something I smell, or something I feel in my body. It is just that I don't get overobsessed with thoughts anymore and generally are more in the moment, which is great!

    I meditate by just sitting down, and focussing on present things. Focussing on my breath, or on things I feel. If I feel tension somewhere in the body I try to relax that muscle and feel how it relaxes more. It is absolutely amazing because I am the power of my own mind and thus attention!

    In general I had days with almost no anxiety, or at least not that it bothered me. I guess the anxiety I might have had was positive and motivated me toward things. Anyways, I want to focus on taking care of my body more. Shaving, using oils and creams and just cleaning. It definitely helps a lot to feel relaxed when the body is fresh and cool.

    In general I am experiencing the lowest levels of anxiety that I have experienced in a few years. I truly believe that for the most part it is because I am less in my head (and thus have less negative thoughts). Yesterday I met with 2 friends for some drinks, who are also my best friends. And we had the best time together since a long time mostly because I was able to be myself like the old days again. More relaxed, calm and chill.

    In general all going good I willl keep going this path!
     
  6. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Today we had an unexpected guest at our house who came over for dinner. I was a little shocked because I didn't know that was going to happen but in the end in turned out quite alright. I managed to be cool and join in conversations. I believe I did really well and this is a considerable improvement compared to a few months ago.

    In any case, today I was feeling really tired. Just to get a couple of things straight;

    I normally put the alarm at 8 every day but the last days I didn't wake up at that time because my phone battery was empty. This can be improved a lot. I am charging my phone as now to ensure it will be full tomorrow morning and I can stick to my routine.

    Because I was feeling so tired today I decided to take a nap in the end of the afternoon. I think it is best to avoid napping especially for longer periods of time. I mean I feel like alright at the moment but I just feel very not confident. I don't want to focus on this feeling too much but just be aware that I am not feeling confident.

    The good thing is that as soon as the gyms open again, I will be able to go training again to work on my body.

    It would also totally be a good idea to focus a bit more on my project. I was doing very well and have not worked much on it in the last days. I should realize that this is a priority goal for now because after summer I want to have my research proposal ready so that I can start the actual project.

    So I now want to set some goals for the coming days and they should be realistic.

    - Wake up at 8, stick with the sleeping shedule. Don't go to sleep very late.
    - Work on the project, my parents will be away for a few days again so this should be a perfect opportunity to get some good work done without distraction
    - Ideally it would be good to find a job that is socially doable for me so I can earn some money and get back into working life.
    - As far as accepting social occasions go, I have been accepting most of the events and tomorrow I will also go do something with a friend. I accept that today I am not feeling energetic and confident, but this is not a problem and could be totally different tomorrow.
    - Meditation I have been doing this consistently without missing a session and also not been overdoing it.

    Looking forward to see how my life will go the coming days, cya guys!
     
  7. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Today when I woke up I was yawning and tired all the time. I was quite scared and anxious to go and do things with friends in the afternoon because I was just feeling anxious I guess. I decided to just go and enjoyed the ride! It was good in so many ways. The best part is that I enjoyed being in the moment with my friends. Being in the moment is honestly one of the best things, much better than thinking about what might happen or whatever.

    It just makes me a realize how joyful life can be if you just enjoy the moment! I have other plans this weekend and Im looking forward to doing it. I might be a little anxious now but I was also anxious before the event of today and I must admit it was fun and had a great effect on me anyways. I feel good.
     
  8. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Today I read a book which is called ''Mastering Your Mindset''. The intention of reading this book was not because I need to improve myself or something similar but just because I felt like it. I think I should generally make it a goal to read around 20+ pages everyday so that I can finish one book per week. In general there are just a lot of good books with lots of good content and inspiration.

    Anyways, the book started off about your dreams and asking a lot of questions about what I want in life? What would my ideal life be like if money didn't matter. After reading some pages I thought of the following; I am very fascinated by self-improvement and love talking to people about things I learnt like meditation and teaching them how it works and how it might help them. I also love Spanish (the language) and living in Spain. I lived in Spain for time for an internship and also worked there for some time.

    So a dreamjob for me might be; being a lifestyle coach for people in Spain.

    Now I am still very young and have the opportunity to try things. The book emphasizes that it is essential to think in possibilities and not restrictions.
    After an internship I did in Spain I came back with light depression which escalated into moderate depression after I left it untreated for too long. Basically I believe that one of the reasons for my depression was my inability to expres myself in that office in Spain because I was still a beginner in Spanish. And also I was not enjoying the whole work environment as much as I anticipated. I just think that being in an office so much is not really the thing for me. So I would be a little afraid if I were to for example start my own Lifestyle coaching company in Spain because I wouldn't have my family or friends to support me if I had tough times. But the good part is that I can make friends there and calling with family is always possible. If I look back to other times when I was in Spain I totally enjoyed it and I didn't get depressed so I think it is very important to do the right things when abroad. It might be a bit of a culture shock but if it is what I want to do, then it would be worth taking the risk. I have always loved Spain. Travelled there many times and even dated a Spanish girl, met her parents etc. All in all I also would really enjoy speaking to people about their lifes and how they can improve them. I would preferably do this in English because I have high level of English even though I am not writing this post academically. I am still working on my project to graduate but after I graduate I could start a course which gives me a certification to become a lifestyle tutor. I could do this in my home country and then go to Spain and start my own company. I would obviously have to think things through thoroughly and see if everything is possible but I definitely see a lot of possibilities. My Spanish level is good but not fluent.

    For now the priority obviously remains finishing my bachelor and then from there on I can work toward my dream. Meanwhile I could also find a part-time job to earn some money on the side. But since I am still recovering from depression I am thinking of what might be a good way to get back into the worklife. I mean I obviosuly prefer not to expose myself to excessive amounts of stress.

    I also sun bathed today and I love it. The sun is giving me a lot of energy and I feel great.

    -Goal is to read 20 pages every day
    -Goal is also to train some muscles everyday to prepare for re-entry in the gym. (gyms are opening soon and I dont want to have sore muscles for an entire week after my first session lol)
     
  9. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    I have been thinking about my future and what I said in the last post is really my dream. I love to help people especially when it comes to life improvement or self improvement. I was obsessed with this for a long time and I still really love everything about it. I also love to talk about such things when I talk with people on the phone. So yesterday I mentioned that it would be good to set a goal to read at least 20 pages but I didnt really specify for which topics.

    So if my goal is to:
    -Live in Spain
    -Have my own company
    -Subject of company in life coaching consultancy

    Then I will need to make myself knowledgable on a couple of things. Firstly, I need to make myself more knowledgable on the topic of life improvement coaching. This can be done with an official course, which I believe is not really mandatory. As far as I know anyone can call him or herself a lifecoach but it is obviously important to know what you are talking about and you need to know which questions to ask or which advices to give.

    A paid course can be really nice way to start moving in the right direction but there are also a lot of free books available that I can easily download and read.
    If I want to be able to afford the course and finance the start of my own company, I should acquire more financial assets. It is no secret that I have a small debt at the moment, nothing big though. The main point is that I don't spend all of my time on the project anyways to working some hours for money will always be a good thing.
    Learning Spanish has always been a passion for me and will come in very handy if I plan on moving to Spain. It is not essential I believe because for my consultancy company I would like to focus on English speaking customers anyways but living in Spain, the language always comes in handy. I would like to pick this up soon so that I can continue my learning progress that I had paused for roughly a year now.
    The key aspect will be determing which specific direction for life coaching consultancy I want to focus on. Life coaching is obviously a broad market and it would thus be really good to determine a niche in this market that I am mostly interested in. For example; helping people figure out their worklife and make the neccesary steps to life a fulfulling work life. This is just an example as there are many examples. More insight will come after I start reading more about this whole subject. So basically the more I read, the more I will know which possiblities there are, and the better I can start defining the niche market I would like to target.
    Essentially, aside from just defining the market niche, there are many aspects that need to be known when it comes to starting a company. Perhaps the making of a business plan. But making a business plan will not be enough. It will be nice to read about people with similar experiences to see which direction I want to go. Which customers do I want to focus on? Which niche do I want to target? How will I market my services? Will it be online only, or also on location (maybe just in my home should be ok if I have my own place). How much money will I need for starting off? Or will costs be really low because I dont need a physical facility?

    Because I have time to finish my research proposal for my thesis until the end of summer, I have a lot of time to do research and prepare a good plan. I mean a good thesis plan but also a life plan. Because after my thesis I will be done with my studies and I want to get myself ready for a job I really want to work in.

    -Read books about topics in Lifecoaching Consultancy
    -Read books about starting own company (in Spain)
    -As a bonus, start learning Spanish again and continue where I left off
    -Continue the research plan for thesis
    -Look for a job to earn some money on the side

    This list above will be put in my desktop on the PC so I am reminded of my Goals because it makes me happy and motivates!!
     
    selfimprovement8008 likes this.
  10. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Alright folks, a week has passed since my last update and frankly a lot has happened.

    In general I am quite happy with how I managed to work towards my goals. I have read a lot of content on creating my own company/business and have some really good ideas. The idea is also my passion so I have found myself working on ideas and researching a lot lately. I have also shared the idea with my parents. They fully support me and think it is a great idea.

    I have not done a lot of meditation but instead I have been doing a lot of bioenergetic exercises. These are basically exercises that allow for my body to breathe more deeply. I had a lot of trouble breathing especially during depression and anxiety moments. What these exercises do is basically release tension from the belly (tight belly problem). There is a lot of trauma/stress stored there, I know and feel it. When I do this exercise I shake like a mother******, but thats supposed to happen. Every time after this exercise I feel calm and good that I can breathe more deeply, the results a HUGE! I feel more energy, especially a lot more sexual desire/drive and more motivation to get sh*t done.

    I have noticed though that gaming and being part of a gaming society is fun for me, but it also takes a lot from me. I get irritated quite often and am generally pissed off at the attitudes of people there. I am starting to feel it is not the place for me. I mean, gaming is fun, but the attitudes of people arent for me. Perhaps I am getting too old for it. Perhaps it is time for me to focus big-time on my things like creating a company. I want to dedicate myself to playing just a few hours per week (maybe 10 hours max). I have competitive matches in a game and I just want to keep playing. But generally speaking I just want to go offline on Discord and Steam (gaming platforms) 24/7 and just come online when the time is there. There are just other things that motivate me much more. If I feel bored I should do other things like just work on my dreams or go for run or something like that.
    -Remove steam and discord from startup process and dont open them unless I will play for a few hours.
    -Get off the PC more, do cleaning or whatever
     
  11. YOU SHOULD WATCH THIS. IT WILL MAKE THINGS CLEAR.

     
  12. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    @Lord Pickles

    This video definitely raised my awareness as to the obsession of self-help.

    It is crucial however to make a difference between healthy habits and toxic beliefs.

    Lately I've been feeling quite OK and I feel like I have much more energy than before. Today and yesterday I had some moments that felt like they were about to start a depressive episode but I think I managed to literally breathe myself out of it. I mean I just breathe deeply and start feeling more energy and so on.

    In the past this wasnt the case, I would breathe shallow and literally go on like that forever.


    Since I started doing my bioenergetic enercises I have literally started to free my body from stress. Especially stored in the belly, chest and throat. This has been restricting me from breathing deeply. After every session it feels like such a relief and I get used to expression more instead of depressing.

    I generally feel like an unstable, emotional not self-confident person at the moment. But I know I am gradually working on it by starting my own company, working out and doing more social events again.

    I typically compare myself to my brother who is quite the opposite of the abovementioned. I thus feel like he is better than me. But why would I think that? I have done things in my life that were 1000 times more complicated and stressful than him and I deal with it in my own way. So it doesnt matter how I compare myself to him I just need to be myself.

    Ive been going to the gym quite a lot again recently and feel good about it.

    I will do my best to stay strong and I have my dream to start the own company so I am going for it!!

    Make my dreams come true!!
     
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  13. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    So yesterday when I went to the gym I had a proactive conversation with some people from the gym. I was proposing an idea to them and it felt kind of uncomfortable but still good. Yesterday I also had a conversation with my sister about starting my own company. She was very skeptical and asked question about whether its a good idea and so on. And actually this is the weird part, these two things gave me both more motivation. Its like I did something really scare (in my mind it is) and after it I feel godlike. I really believe it would be good to make sort of like an exposure list and then execute the things on that list. I know in the past everything was also scary but before I landed in that depression it was just scary but I still did it.

    Exposure list for now, because I dont have many ideas of what I could do:
    -Start conversation with a girl in the gym (goal not to get her number lol, just have a chat)

    Also ran into some problem with the research because there is a lot of competition in the area that I want to start a business in. So it will require a lot more research and finding the niche. But its still my dream.

    I DONT KNOW IF I WANT TO LIVE IN THE NETHERLANDS OR IN SPAIN AFTER I GRADUATE COLLEGE.

    I am kind of afraid that I will miss my parents and family.

    On the other hand that will also be the case when I move to another city in the netherlands. I mean then I can occasionaly visit them but still I can also call them everyday if Im in spain..

    My dream would be to have my own company and probably do a part time job in tourism like driving people in safari trucks or taking people on Banana boat or such things would be nice. This job doesnt have to earn that much if I can start to make a little bit of money from that own company..
     
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  14. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    So I did more research and I want to become spanish teacher online through other platforms. own company is too early now.

    Since I started doing my bioenergetic exercises I have beel feeling much more expressive. The exercise I do is stand and lean my upper body as far back and down as possible while looking up to ceiling with wide open mouth and eyes and then breathing deeply. every time I do this I shake like crazy and I feel the stress and trapped emotions releasing from my body.

    The last days I have also felt that I tend to move physically much more. when im at PC i am moving my feet and when we at dinner table I tap my hands and all this seems in an impatient way. IT generally depends how calm I feel but if I feel nervous i move a lot (and this is normal and much better than depressing the stuff).

    All in all I love that exercise and will keep doing it. but I want to try it in combination with the meditation.

    Bioenergetics for releasing trapped emotions and generally just optimizing the ability to breathe deep helps me a lot.

    I also want to meditate because it just helps a lot with feeling calmer during the day.

    Keep in mind. I have not been binge watching on self help videos. All these creators can go away with their stuff i aint watching that no more .

    I just do this bioenergetic exercise few times day and meditate thats all not obsession. No watching other videos or whatever just simple.

    now time to meditate a bit and tomorrow morning bioenergetics :)))

    cyaa
     
  15. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    alright lads

    Just a bit of an update about my life. The depression and anxiety is starting to lift. I feel that sometimes I still feel stresed or nervous quite strongly but I manage to move myself out of it if that makes sense. I express my emotions by showing that I am stressed. Before I did bioenergetics I used to shove all the emotions down which was really making it difficult for me to breathe properly.

    I am telling you this is MASSIVE. Can't breathe deeply? Feel like you can express more emotions? TRY BIOENERGETICS. Its gold.

    Been going to the gym 4-5 times a week and getting HUGE gains.

    Eating somewhat healthy, although still the occasional snack.

    Meditate from time to time (once every day or every other day)

    Been getting more socially active.

    Depression and anxiety starting to lift.

    I didn't do NoFap because it felt too much but I am more than ready and I believe that in combination with all the other aspects I can really feel better. Normally it felt like I couldnt express my NoFap energy but I want to try it again now that I actively do bioenergetics. Lets see how this good, the key is to be happy and enjoy ;)

    Regards
     
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  16. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Ive been working out consistently the last few weeks and I can really see that I am getting big. I have quite some muscle memory since I was a huge guy before so gains a big. I should be proud of this

    I need to write a message tomorrow to apply for a job. I hope I can get it so I can socialize more and earn money.

    I need to work on my thesis.

    Keep working out.
     

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