Why?

We don't want you to see us as failures and more importantly we don't want to deal with your feelings about our problems. Because then we have two problems.

 

There is no one specific answer... I am afraid.
Best way to describe it would be to say that these are messed up people, dealing with messed up things, so they can't or won't make reasoned choices and steps.

 

In answer to your first question, I think that there are two separate groups of men that you might be assuming are part of the same group but in reality, are not.

The men who are extremely honest and straightforward with each other about how wrong they are and how they are trying to change are often (but not always) also giving that message to their wives.

I've noticed that the other group of men are often men who either are not on Nofap.com, or who don't actively participate. Their wives are on the site for support, often because their husbands don't see anything wrong with what they are doing.

Of course, there certainly are guys who lie to their wives and don't want to admit they are addicted, but who are also on this forum. It sucks that that happens. The wife of a man who is cheating on her in some way (whether that is through porn, cams, prostitutes, adultery) should in my opinion NEVER be made to feel that it is her fault. Sexual purity within a marriage is a personal responsibility on the part of each partner. There are so many men (and women) who lie repeatedly about their unfaithful behavior, and their spouse should not feel that they have to stick around when that happens. I like to think that the person who is cheating is ultimately the one who makes the decision to split up a marriage.

 

When things go our way we take credit. When things don't go our way, we look for people to blame. I don't think the fault is solely of the spouse nor do I think the fault is solely of the individual. Not every husband is a porn addict. Perhaps they had better upbringing. So partly the fault lies with the parents.
Perhaps some made better/true(honest) friends. So partly the fault lies with the neighborhood.
Or the colleagues.

Likewise with the wife. Part of the problem could be the wife or her parents for having raised her like that.

There is not one person to blame.

I guess with porn or any addiction or any issue for matter, we can only have case studies and stories. We cannot reach a consensus.

I got addicted to gay sex because
-- gay porn because
-- abuse as a child about which i didnt tell my mom because
-- i was scared of her because
-- she was an authority figure because
-- she was raised like that

so i can blame my issues on my mother's parents. childhood trauma has lifelong effects on the individual's mind. it's like wet clay is easy to mold. hardened clay breaks when it tries to change.

quote: it is easier to raise strong children, than to repair broken adults.

 

Your original question was why can men admit things to each other that they will not admit to their spouses. When men talk to other men it is a lot easier to sideline feelings and get down to constructive action. When we don't want to talk to our SO about a problem it's because we don't want the added problem of their feelings about the problem. When a man doesn't talk to his SO about his pornography problem he isn't denying the problem. He is denying you access to his thoughts and feelings about the problem and refusing to help you deal with yours. The difference is gigantic.

In short, your SO's pornography problem and your feelings about your SO's pornography problem are two separate problems.

 

So agree with this. There are also men who know they have a problem, lie about it while trying their hardest to quit. My husband has never once blamed me. He did gaslight me in the beginning, trying to convince me that my libido was unnatural and no woman “ liked” sex, and I was a “ nympho”. That ended the second I discovered what he was doing behind my back. But never once has he blamed me for his actions. Quite the opposite. He was one who tried to quit in secret for years. It was only when we discovered it was and addiction and he got into counseling and sa groups that he was starting to beat it. I wish there was more education about this addiction.

 

That's good that he never blamed you. I can't imagine what it's like if someone tried to blame their spouse for it...that'd mess me up.

If I ever have kids, I am going to teach them about porn wayyyyy before there is any possibility of them seeing it. It's unfortunate—kids shouldn't have to learn about that stuff so early, but I know I wasn't prepared for it the first time. I wonder if someone had talked to me a lot about how damaging it is (just like parents tell their kids about how meth is bad for instance) if I would have never ventured down the path I did. I don't regret the past, but I hope that maybe my experience will help other people.