Advice for a sad wife

Yes sex is far different when they are clean. Not just the quantity, but quality. But it’s not just sex, life is far different when they are clean. They are far different. Also, when he’s clean my gut tells me, so I am far different. Or should I say my gut tells me when he isn’t clean? I’ve never been wrong, even though I’ve ignored my gut at times. However, when I ignore it ( he lies or gaslights me) I cannot let it go. It eats me and pretty soon I’m not sleeping and I start to be one resentful of tiny things. That’s when I know I know.

 

But see, you said usually, which is what I would’ve said 8 months ago. I’ve since learned, and verified by my husband that I have been dead on EVERY time. 100% . My csat told me this last session, that my gut was better than a polygraph, I’ve just been gaslighted and lied to for so long that I “ question” it. Especially since I knew the first night of our honeymoon that something was off- took 5 years before I caught him. This last relapse, I just told him I “ knew”. Then I went into great detail what his lying feels like without having proof to show he’s lying. I had no proof. There was no way I could get proof as he did it out of town. But I knew. I don’t know how, but when I can’t let it go then I know. The feeling isn’t there when he’s honest or clean.

 

Just to answer your final question. I'm not sure I'd use the word "recovered" but I am definitely firmly in recovery (1,400 days without porn and 1,391 days without masturbation) and I feel happier and our sex life is much better. One moment from all this that I will always treasure was when my wife said "I feel more loved now than I ever have" and we've been together since 1983!

 

Sorry to hear that you cried your self in to sleep and even without prove you know that something is wrong. He had a bad time when he was a child but this does not mean you should have a bad time now just because he is not able to get over it. I really think he needs a wake up call. A clear message to pull him back to his path. It’s an addiction and as long he gets away with it he won’t change. All the best and be strong. One of you have to.

 

It took a lot for my wife to tell me (back in 2010) how destroyed she felt by my porn use and how, to protect what little was left of her self-esteem, she would have to leave if I did not choose to stop. The thing that shocked me most, though I'm guessing it will not even suprise you @Sadnurse4, is how frightened she looked: she really believed that I was about to choose porn instead of her.

I still cannot believe how I let my behaviour do that to her decade after decade, she's not lucky.

But I am fixing things now.

 

I have been sober for over 5 years. Way happier. Everything is better. Trust your gut, my wife was never wrong about me no matter how much I was lying. I worked with 12 steps groups, met with 2 therapists, and worked with clergy with little success. I finally found a sex addiction coach and my life changed forever. There is a good one here: https://emotionalabuseintervention.com/personal-coaching/

 

The cost is $75 per session. Buying multiple sessions can lower the cost. Most individuals start meeting weekly until they are meeting their goals.

A good way to earn some salary, for Coach Harrison, of course.