I've got to get better.

This isn't the first time I've come to NoFap. Last time was right after my first year at University. I'd say at that point I'd had a porn addiction for about 2-3 years, though I've been watching the stuff since I was ten. I, obviously, didn't succeed with quitting porn. Quite frankly, I didn't do too well at all. Even with the account and keeping a journal, I relapsed pretty much every other day. The longest I lasted before a relapse was probably four days. That's not very long.

Eventually I gave up on NoFap as a site and struggled on my own for the next year or so. I don't know when, but at some point I stopped setting myself goals, stopped making plans to quit, and just fell into a pattern of getting off and hating myself. I've been keeping track of what days I watch porn and which days I don't, but it's honestly more a way to punish myself than it is a strategy to bettering myself.

I'm now in my last year at University and that I'm still struggling with this, atop of all my other worries about my future, is absolutely unacceptable. I need to put this behind me so that I can move on with my life.

I was inspired to return to NoFap just a few minutes go. Mostly because I can't sleep, and laying in the dark trapped in my own head makes it hard to escape reality. And the reality is this: I hit a new low just a few hours ago, and it scared the shit out of me.

I've been leading up to something bad for a time now, I realize. See, I stumbled into a porn discord server. I knew it was a bad idea, but I started visiting it pretty regularly. Of course, I would always abandon the server after I got off, but that never stopped me from returning. The flood of new content and bizarre sense of community were natural draws. I commented a few times, but each time I felt like I was playing a character. I was mimicking the people I saw posting, and that made me wonder. I've always been curious about the people who make porn their lives, who make porn their primary community. I wanted to try and see through their eyes.

So - just a few hours ago, mind you - I dm'd a guy who said he was open to it, and I started asking him questions. Someone in the server was streaming a video, and while I talked to him I had it playing at low volume. It was a surreal experience. The guy said he was 48, and that he had been addicted to porn for over 20 years. You'd think that would make him somewhat self-aware, but no. He didn't care. He talked just like the people I'd been mimicking, and maybe he was playing a character himself, but in any case it got a reaction. I can't say I've ever been more disgusted by a person in my entire life. Once I realized how brain-addled the man was, I quickly said see ya and bailed. I wasn't even horny anymore. However, I wanted to go to sleep, and the quickest way to do that was to get off. So I did. And I should have slept fine, but only two hours later I woke up and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to masturbate again, and I couldn't stop thinking about that man. It's been a hell of a morning, I tell you.

And now here I am. I know that soon enough the shock will fade, I'll forget my disgust, and I'll be back to bad habits. Yet, that's unacceptable. I've got to quit before it's too late. I've got to do this right this time. My future depends on it.

Here goes everything.

 

Good luck to you man, and welcome back.

 

Thanks, guys. I appreciate the welcome