Sissy porn and lifestyle is killing me. HELP

I am not throwing out the idea that I could be trans or am just something different entirely. And I have considered all of the shame that I feel because of the what I think my family and friends my think if they knew about this part of my life and what I might be. What I just dont know about is what the true me is. If somehow I am trans, I would learn to accept it and seek it further. But I dont know if I am and I am nearly 100% sure porn has warped my mind to be something I am not. I would be okay with being trans, but that is absent of porn. I am okay with any kind of person I am so long as it is absent of porn and sexual addiction. BUT right now I dont want to focus on the idea of "maybe I'm a transvestite or trans" because if I am not, then thinking these things during a NoFap recovery/reboot will surely not help and keep me in this questioning state of mind. Basically, I just want to focus on being normal for the time being because if I am not normal, that wont change after a reboot, but at least I will know with more certainty.

 

That sounds like playing with fire. I feel like I've gotten to a point where to avoid a relapse, I have to distance myself far from porn and that entire side of things because I dont really have the self control to not let watching normal porn slip back into watching sissy or trans porn. Even watching normal porn, my mind still can wander into fantasizing about being the girl in it. Thats actually what kind of happened with my first relapse. I was roughly a month and a half in of no PMO. I was SO horny from no O release and wanted to have sex with a woman so badly so went onto some 'adult friends finder' websites to see if I could hookup with a chick cuz I thought "its not sissy or trans porn so its fine right?". That ended with me watching regular porn and breaking my streak and that slowly slid back to sissy/trans porn. But after that Month and a half, my sexual thoughts were nearly entirely of women with there rarely being a sissy thought at all. I just caved and busted my streak.

 

That arousal that you described is VERY accurate of why I think I enjoy sissy/trans porn. If somehow this could be done with a faceless man, no strings or attachments, that would be the best option. During my second attempt a reboot, I watched a lot of MtF trans people talk about their experience and tried to see if there were any parallels with my own. But half the time watching them, I could relate on a few things, but it always felt like I was trying to contort the memory of my own experiences to fit the bill to be trans. I havent been watching or researching any of that lately simply because I just want to get away from all of it for right now. Today, I feel a little different. There are times where I am very confident in who I am as a person and as a man and want to better that self. But there are hiccups when I either doubt myself or am in the middle of conversations where I am trying to fit in as a guy. But I cant tell if that is just normal self doubt that everyone has or if it is those same thoughts that trans people have had. I'd say most of the time I am comfortable as the man that I am. But occasionally there are those doubts that creep in.

 

Dang you wrote a book on this!! I will ABSOLUTELY use your journals as a resource. Thank you!!

 

Oh. What are the terms of being a transvestite though? I only really find pleasure from it if I am totally fem. As in, shave, thin bodied, eyebrows plucked, m

 

Think my comment got cut off.

Oh. What are the terms of being a transvestite though? I only really find pleasure from it if I am totally fem. As in, shaved, thin bodied, eyebrows plucked, long hair and just full fem. If I'm my normal self, muscular, hairy chested, bearded, and just a normal dude, wearing women's clothes honestly seems kind of disgusting to me. Cuz then I'm just a man wearing women's clothes. I have to get that full persona for it to be arousing

 

I can certainly relate to feeling emasculated when around some guys. Either I don't feel quite as "manly", seemingly have less confidence, or overthink things (i do that ALLOT). I think though that we have to realize that we are the men that we are. Something's we cannot change and these seemingly less "manly" things like being skinny or the endless list of insecurities that we as guys feel doesn't mean we are Sissy's. We've let this fetish tell us that. We have to accept who we are. And I don't think that's just a switch you can flip. It takes time. We have to constantly remind ourselves. You being skinny doesn't mean you're destined to be a sissy. You are the man you are. How you are. And that's a good thing

 

It's had it's ups and downs. I PMO'd yesterday which is obv bad. But I'm learning to not let it completely drag me down. In the past I've made it a huge deal and have let breaking my streak make me spiral back into the deep end. But now I'm trying to just recognize that I might lose this battle many times. Just can't let it break my spirit in the long haul.
On another note, someone in this thread brought up the idea that regular/straight porn might actually be good to reverse how my brain has been wired by sissy porn. I originally was apposed to this idea but it's recently sparked my interest coz so many (nearly all of them) of my fantasies now are sissy stuff because I've exclusively been watching sissy porn for about a year now. Will watching regular porn lessen my sissy thoughts? Anyone reading this thread have any thoughts?

 

Probably. There are more people coming out as trans now than ever before. The internet and pornography probably have something to do with it