Grant/22/Christian

Off topic introduction
On topic introduction

Off topic introduction: hi everyone, my name is Grant. I’m 22 and I’m a Christian. I was born premature at 1 1/2 lbs. I was in the hospital for the first 3 1/2 years of my life. I’m a Christian, I gave my life to Christ when I was about 6 years old or so. I grew up in the church and helping in children’s ministry with my mom. I love people, I love meeting new people. I love helping people. I also love kids. Kids are so much fun. The activities and things i actually love to do are playing the drums. I’ve been playing since I was 6 or so, I’m not sure, I kind of forgot. I also love playing baseball. I’ve been playing since 2005 or ‘06. I’ve done teakwondo. I’ve gotten my black belt after doing classes for 7 years. At my church I did the tech stuff in children’s ministry. I was basically the only one who knew how to do that kind of stuff. I love animals. They are so fun to be around. I live and I’m from Colorado, so walking and hiking is great because I’m outdoors sometimes. I do like playing with toys sometimes, odd to say because I’m an, “adult”, but I don’t care. I also love playing video games at times. I try not play too much. I love many live children shows. Disney on ice, Disney live, marvel universe live, Jurassic world live spectacular, Ringling Bros. And Barnum & Bailey circus. I also love a few music artists. Justin Bieber, Jonas Brothers, just to name a few. I love to sing and dance.

(There will be trigger warnings in here).

on topic introduction: so as I had said before, I grew up in the church and gave my life to Christ at 6 or so. I would guess I would say that I live in the kind of Christian home where, “sex”, is a bad word. So one time, I was talking about the movie hop. Good movie. I read a quote that said something about, “sexy”, and my family said, don’t say that. That’s not really the point. But anyway, yeah I grew up in a Christian home where, “sex”, was a bad word. Things in my family are good. Nothing really going on. I felt loved by my mom and sisters and I was. But my dad lives in the house, but I don’t think he truly loves me. He was and is there, but at the same time he wasn’t and isn’t. So I guess there was a time where I was trying to escape and find love on my own. When I was around maybe 9, 10, 11 or 12. I was in the bathroom just using the restroom like normal. I just thought I would see what magazines we had. So I turned my head to the left of the toilet. I started seeing what magazines we had. I picked up one magazine and the next one I saw would basically set the stage for the next 10 years or so of my life. What I was seeing were women/models in bras and underwear/bikinis. (Trigger warning) The second or so after I saw it, I became aroused. But I became curious and I wondered what was happening. At the time I had no idea, but I do now. I was shaking and God was trying to convict me of what I was doing was wrong and sinful. But by then, it was too late and I was immediately interested and hooked. Before this happened, I never cared what women wore under their cloths. I never even thought about it. After this, I wanted to see more. So I went on YouTube and started looking at girls in bikinis. (Trigger warning) Doing that really made me wonder more. I looked up what girls being touched in a bikini looked like. (Trigger warning) I was in shock. Then I wondered what girls without a bra would look like. (Trigger warning) When I saw that, I was horrified, but I kept looking. I’m trying to remember what happened next. Then I started looking up girls and women kissing on the internet. (Trigger warning) That’s when the porn really started. After that, I basically got heavily addicted to porn. Each and every time I’d look it up, I would shake because I knew watching porn was wrong and yet, I still looked at it. I got really good at hiding, lying. Making sure no one was watching. The other thing is that I was never taught about sex at all. So basically porn taught me about sex. Then one day or night, I saw one porn video where the girl said, “does it feel good on your p*ssy” ? (Trigger warning) Then she said, “rub your boobies. It’d make it feel even better”. (Trigger warning) Then I tried masturbation for the first time. After that, I became addicted to masturbation. So for years I’d watch porn and masturbate everyday or most days. When I was 16 or so, I was in a bedroom in Hawaii with 2 women and I was super tempted to have sex outside of marriage. I tried to sexually touch them and tell them that I wanted to have sex with them. But by God’s power and grace, they couldn’t understand my voice and I was shaking uncontrollably. I did tell the mom that i wanted to have sex, but she said that I was too young. So God protected me from having sex outside of marriage. Then it wasn’t until December 2016 when I started chatting to women online. I chatted with this one girl on Facebook and I thought she was normal. I thought she wanted real love and a relationship. One day she wanted to strip for me. (Trigger warning) I spent 20 minutes hesitating rather or not to accept the video chat, but finally i did and she started stripping, (trigger warning), but i ended the call early because my family came back to the car. Then One night she literally stripped all her cloths off and started masturbating on video chat. (Trigger warning) then she wanted me to do sexual things for her. So, I stupidly made sure that no one was around. I went into the bathroom and did sexual things. I also did some sexual things in a chair. What I didn’t know is that she was recording what I was doing. Then she showed me the videos and said, “now give me $600 or I’m sending these to all your friends and family”. Them we got into a fight about money and relationship and stuff and I finally blocked her. After that, at times I would talk to women on social media. This happened in 2017, 2018 and 2019. I would also go on chatrooms on porn sites. I got into a sexual relationship with a girl on toontown rewritten in 2018. I thought she actually loved me, but I’m thinking she only wanted me for sex, but I wanted sex as well. Because i didn’t hide the text messages on my phone, i basically destroyed that relationship. I was not happy. I admitted all my addictions to my best friend in March 2018, witch was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was shaking and terrified what would potentially happen. But instead, he showed me love. I was in shock. 2018 & 2019 was really the years that I was talking to women. None of them wanted a real relationship and only wanted money from me. Plus, I found out that they were all scammers as well. I finally stopped talking to women on social media in early 2020. 2019 was a bad year early in the year, but really all year. But in January 2019, I had looked it up and did it one morning. I was angry and not happy. I was really upset and not happy. I was throwing things around and hitting things. Then I got on the floor and started listening to elevation worship’s, “Resurrection”, song. I started crying because there a part in the song that said, “by your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat”. I was saying to myself, “how can I rise from the ashes of defeat when I’m trapped in this addiction” ? Then it got dark. It felt like the demons were beating me up and I felt like I was in chains, literally. Then it felt like the trinity was not present. Then the devil and the demons led me to my closest to try and get me to commit suicide. I had never been that tempted to grab a gun before in my life. I finally just prayed and called out to God and this is what he said through my own voice, “Grant, what are you doing ? Why are you doing this. I love you. I promise I’m gonna get you out of this pit”. Then it felt like the chains fell off of me and I walked out of that closet unharmed. There was a time in 2018 or 2019 when my best friend asked me this hard question. “Grant, why do you want a girlfriend” ? I said, “I want a girlfriend for sex”. He said, “Grant, you can’t have a girlfriend for sex”. Back then I don’t think I cared, but now I do. There was a girl that I had known for years that I was in love with. I loved her, but then I started loving her for looks. Just this past early 2020, God was like, “Grant, you cant be with, (girl’s name), because she has a boyfriend and I don’t want you to hurt and/or use her. So it was extremely hard, but I gave her up with God’s help. I’m telling you, when I did, it felt like a massive weight was lifted off of me. Now I’m waiting for 1 or 2 years until God will hopefully bring me a girl or women he wants me to be with in summer last year, I was at a movie theatre and me and my best friend was talking. It was there that I told him the truth about why I was watching porn and doing all the sexual sins I was doing. In late February or so, me and my best friend were texting about relationships and stuff. I said something to him, and he said, “Grant, there is no real love in porn. It’s all fake, completely void and empty”. God used that statement to get me to want to change. That’s when I started looking for real honest answers. I learned what real sex is and what it’s meant for. Real sex is supposed to be beautiful and amazing. God created sex to be for a husband and wife to enjoy in the context of committed marriage. I was in shock and also that I didn’t know any of that before. I that it was amazing and so cool. Then one day in early March 2020, I was listening to a short video called, “loving barabass”. I started crying because it was so powerful. Like God was showing and telling me about his love for me. Jesus took my place and died for me. I also listened to a song called, “Amazing Love”, by Kari Jobe. I also started crying because God was basically saying, “I love you”. That was the day that I really repented of my sin. I literally said, “God, I have gone so far. I’ve gotten so deep. Please forgive me”. Then I said, “I want to know what real love looks like and feels like”. Then that night a dream that would change my life happened. It was a dream about a boy and a dove.

this is the dream:
A dream of encounter !

The dream: One day. A boy was watching all these doves that were created by God. Every one was made beautiful and perfect in God. That boy watched all the doves fly away. But there was one that stood out to him, one he couldn’t resist and couldn’t look away from. That one was beautiful and perfect to him. Suddenly, that boy held out his hands and the dove flew into his hands. When the boy looked into the dove’s eyes, the boy saw nothing but love, purity, satisfaction, pleasure, intimacy, excitement & beauty. It was also honoring and pleasing to God. Everything about this dove was perfect to him, he could not take his eyes off of this dove for one minute. Then suddenly, that dove either flew from his hands or the boy dropped the dove and it broke his heart and the dove’s heart.

The interpretation of the dream: just like the dream of the boy and the dove. It’s the same way in real life. There are all kinds of girls who are made perfectly in God. They’re all so beautiful to a boy when he sees them. But then all of them go away, but there is always that one girl that stands out to him, one he can’t resist and can’t look away from. That one girl is beautiful and perfect to him. When that one girl comes into the boy’s arms and the boy looks into her eyes, the boy sees nothing but love, purity, satisfaction, pleasure, excitement, intimacy & beauty. It is also honoring and pleasing to God. Everything about this girl is perfect to him, he can’t take his eyes off of this girl for one minute. But when the boy is not good, not honorable and not pleasing toward this girl, God is also not honored and not pleased. When the boy does this, it breaks his heart and the girl’s heart. We are given an opportunity to love a woman for eternity by God. Are we going to do that, or are we just gonna throw them away ? not love her, completely destroy and hurt her ? We get one life and one opportunity for everything. Are we going to be men of God or not ?

literally, I was not expecting God to respond that fast at all. I was set free because of that dream. Then I really started fighting. Of course I had temptations at times. I won many times. Like an ad of bikini models on tv. I ignored it. Many times I wanted to look it up on YouTube and talking to women again. There was one night I was praying and I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Grant, you should not be talking to women. Delete them. So I listened and I blocked all the women. There was one time that I was watching the passion of the Christ movie and I lusted at Jesus when he was on the cross in his underwear. I felt so guilty and ashamed. But my best friend helped me get through it and I asked God to forgive me, I’m sure he did. There was a day when I couldn’t talk to women anymore and got sick of it so I deleted both my Instagram accounts. But then that night, I looked it up on Twitter. I was so upset. I was shaking because I was free from sin
And I rejected the conviction again. So now, I’m back with looking it up and doing it. But there was a time in 2018 or so that I went 37 days 19 hours without looking it up and doing it. But this time is different because I know all the lies the enemy has put into my mind, know the truth and I’ve had multiple encounters with God. This past July I learned that I unfortunately love my sin. But I feel like I’m learning how to hate my sin. I realized that porn had affected my Christian life. I stopped reading the Bible, I stopped praying and praising and worshiping him. When I went to church, it was like I was there for a job and that’s it. Yet I went to church and did everything a Christian would do, but I was clearly living a double life. I would even look it up and do it in the church building. Sometimes I also have a lust problem. I not only would lust at girls and women, I would also lust at men too. I had watched porn videos with women with men, but only soft core. Then it was this year that I started looking at more extreme porn. Violent, graphic, rape, abuse, assault ECT. But I couldn’t take it, I mostly and only watch the soft core porn. Literally, all I watch is lesbian porn, that’s it. But I don’t want to watch any porn at all. I’m tired of masturbating. I’m tried of having orgasms. I want to ditch porn and masturbation, honor the trinity and save all the other sexual things for My future wife. I also want to work for feld entertainment. I want to be in the music industry. I want to work for Disney as both an animator or story artist and an imagineer. I also want to have 2 business. Maybe another job.



I’m sorry for all the potential trigger warnings on here.

im sorry this is so long, but this is my story. There definitely could be more to the story. But I hope to hear back from someone in the future.

thank you, Grant.

 

Welcome to NoFap. All the best.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

 

Hey, no worries. I know there is. Oh that’s awesome. How do I find it, would it be In the groups section ? Wow and wow, that’s awesome.

 

Thank you. I know and I apologize for it. No problem. Okay. Haha, okay, I will. Yes and I agree 100%. I’m always busy. Don’t, I do a lot than just sit around.