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10 Year Porn Addiction: Am I Gay? Or is HOCD and Severe Porn and Sex Addiction Tricking me?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by helpmeplease123345, Feb 4, 2020.

  1. helpmeplease123345

    helpmeplease123345 New Fapstronaut

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    This post will be long so thank you before hand for taking the time to read this post and contribute advice. Trigger warning- will be talking specifically about sexual experiences. I am discussing things I have never told a soul before.


    I have been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember. I believe starting around the age of 13- I am now 23. And the escalation of my sexual problems has pushed me to the point of not knowing who I am and contemplating suicide. Starting in primary school, I always had crushes on girls. I vividly remember my first O- masturbating to a girl my age at around 12. I always had sexual thought about all the girls in my classes, and had huge crushes on female teacher and moms. I always struggled socially, but my peers would never know it. I harbor deep shame and embarrassment about tons of things in my life. Since I was a child, I have felt deeply inadequate in many areas in my life. My father always pushed me to be athletic and successful academically- but he, and I, were never satisfied with my performance. I have always had low self-esteem, and it caused me to give up on pretty much anything I was interested in if I wasn’t good at the respective task right away. Early on, I lacked with females due to insane levels of anxiety and embarrassment about nearly every action. But I have always felt like a contradiction. Because despite all these shameful feelings and inadequacies, I have been socially popular throughout my life. And from age 17 until now, I have had sex with over 20 women. In fact, I was almost the stereotypical bully throughout secondary school. I have deep regret and shame for how I treated many people in my life, and I can’t help but feel what I am going through now is a sort of karma from God- although I don’t think there is a God due to the suffering I and many others go through. I have been diagnosed with severe ADD, anxiety and depression.


    To deal with these problems and my anxieties throughout my life I leaned on one thing: PMO. And frankly, throughout most of my life, PMO has been the only sense of relief I have had. It started with just visualization in my head of women. Then pictures of women topless or even just women kissing. For the first 2 or so years I stuck with regular vanilla porn. Even at this point- I wouldn’t just pmo one time- it was repeated. As in 3-4+ times a day, every day. Sometimes, especially during a hangover, I will pmo 6-7 times. At age 15, vanilla porn just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. That’s when I stubbled upon incest porn. Mom-son porn was, for the next 3 years of my life, an obsession. I knew even then, 7 years ago, I had a problem. I vividly remember closing my laptop after yet another PMO session to incest porn at age 16 and thinking “this is going to develop in a serious problem one day”. *Trigger warning- This will get graphic, but I think this info is important*Around this age, I lost my virginity. It was incredible in the moment- but I feel so incredibly depressed and shameful looking back on it. She didn’t even want to do it. And while I was very sexually attracted to her, I did not like this girl whatsoever. I had sex with quite a few girls over the next few years. There was one girl that I would have sex with every weekend- and she turned me on like no other. When we had sex, I would sometimes O over 10 times back to back to back. Looking back, this seems like a clear sign of a burgeoning sex addiction. But, yet again, I had immense shame for this relationship with this girl. I won’t go into specifics, but I was made fun of by my friends about this relationship. but at the age of 18 I had a sexual experience that changed me forever. I was extremely drunk and an acquittance of mine asked if I could have sex with his girlfriend in front of him. It turned into an MFM threesome- but completely straight between us two males. There was no touching or anything of that nature between us, and I can honest to god say that I was in no way aroused by the guy physically. I did not want to touch him, kiss him, or anything else from him. I am 100% sure of that. But the pleasure the girl received from the threesome turned me on more than I ever have been in my whole life. I had sex with just this guy’s girlfriend for probably 3 hours afterwards- just me and her. And it was tied, with the girl I discussed just prior, for the best sex I had in my life. The shame I felt after this threesome was indescribable. I felt disgusting that I would partake in a threesome with a guy involved. Around this time, I got into Threesome and Cuckold porn, which for the last 5 years has been the only things that could arouse me porn wise- until recently. Will expand on that in a bit. Early in University, I had my first true love. I was so attracted to her it is hard to describe. We had sex constantly. But I could tell she wasn’t that into it because of various pharmaceuticals she was on, killing her sex drive. This yet again made feel immense shame. After a month of dating, she thought I was a sex addict. After about a year, she cheated on me. I was completely devastated, and heartbroken- and for a while, suicidal. But I masturbated to the thought of her constantly- and eventually to the thought of other men having sex with her. After a while, you get used to the degenerate thoughts, but debasing my self to this extent has damaged me emotionally and self esteem wise severely. Around this time, at age 20, I had the first homosexual thought pop into my head. I visualized a guy forcing me to give him oral after having sex with my ex-girlfriend- and it made me O nearly instantly. I feel completely and utterly disgusted writing that statement. I never once watched homosexual activity in P before this. I was cripplingly depressed after this for months. I continued to PMO to threesome and cuckold porn but didn’t really have anymore homosexual thoughts. Until one random a few months later night- I had a wet dream for the first time in my life. But it was extremely bizarre. I had a dream of just a nondescript man holding me down- and somehow that resulted in a wet dream. No sex. No nudity. And this resulted in the first and only wet dream of my life. To say I was, and still am, disturbed is an understatement. I started compulsively checking gay and straight porn to see if it turned me on. Gay porn did not most of the time- but sometimes, it slightly would. Making the HOCD unbearable. I have not once in my life, out in the real world, felt any sort of attraction to a guy. Subsequent to breaking up with my GF, and even a few times before our relationship, I have had ED with real women. And over the last 2 years it has gotten progressively worse. With someone women I am very attracted to, I will last less than a minute, otherwise, I will go soft within a few minutes. It was humiliating to no extent. I assume that it is PIED, but at this point I don’t know.


    Now, the true experiences that has led to me wanting to make a serious change. I had continued to habitually watch threesome and cuckold porn. But lately, I have been having dreams of a male friend making me give him oral. And as disgusted as it makes me, I am very aroused in my dream. And it now is starting to carry over in my waking life. I watched a few moments of gay porn- and got nearly an immediate erection. I had sex with a woman the other day and couldn’t even get remotely hard. Then, I had an image pop into my head of gay acts, and I got aroused and O’d nearly instantly. This has literally pushed me to the point of seriously contemplating suicide. I am not getting aroused to women anymore. I look at a girl and feel nothing. Honestly, I’ve felt my attraction to females slowly dwindle with each subsequent year since 18. Even the fucked-up porn I used to watch is doing nothing for me- unless it is gay. Specifically, an erect penis turns me on. Nothing else. Not a guy’s face, muscles, hair, voice etc. It feels like a purely physical reaction. I want to stress how I know for a 1000 percent fact that I did not have this reaction when I was younger. Was this because it was just subconsciously suppressed? I think of all the times this side of me could have appeared. Jokingly being showed gay porn when I was younger. I regularly saw guy my age naked when I was younger in PE and people joking around etc. I have had gay guys hit on me. Zero reactions, not even a thought. The idea of kissing, touching, and anything else with a man is physically repulsive. And I have never even once thought I may have any romantic feelings for a man. But now, I am questioning even that with these horrific dreams- Is the guy in the dream a repressed crush? Have I been a latent homosexual this whole time and not known it until 23? With zero signs whatsoever until 20? These homosexual thoughts stayed as only thoughts- day to day I never feel any attraction to men out and about. In terms of personality- I could not be farther from a stereotypical gay man. I can say with a high degree of certainty that if I am gay, everyone I know would be utterly shocked. Honestly- I am starting to lean towards that I am gay. The arousal I receive from this gay porn is too strong for it to be a fluke. Which completely and utterly disgusts me. I know I have internalized homophobia and this experience has led me to begin to deal with it in preparation for the worst. I don’t want to live a lie. I think of all the men I know of who have came out as gay when they were 40 and ruined their wife and kids lives.


    If I am gay, my current life is essentially over. I know that sounds like a hyperbole. But if I could expand more, without doxing myself, it would make sense. I am from a very conservative and religious area and family. I would quite literally be disowned by my whole family. I would lose all my friends. I would have two options- commit suicide or pick up and start my life over in a completely different area of the world.


    At this point, I feel numb writing this. I haven’t felt like myself in a long time- and the only time I’ve felt any strong feeling was the strong arousal I gained from imagining gay acts. It makes me feel physically ill. You always hear people know their sexual orientation from childhood- and most certainly by the end of puberty. Were all my experiences the first 20 years of my life a lie? My childhood crushes on girls my age, female teachers, and moms? The incredible sexual encounters I had with the first few women I had sex with? Not a single hint of any attraction to males until a disgusting thought popped in my head during the most vulnerable time in my life? I can’t even remember what I used to feel like or who I used to be. I feel like the only thing that turns me on is the idea of being a submissive sissy- the anthesis of what I am personality wise.


    I am trying to complete a 90+ reboot to see if some of these problems answer themselves- but honestly, I struggle to make it a week. I have tried for years and the longest I’ve lasted was 20 days. I am praying that I revert to how I felt in my adolescence- if not, my current life is over. So what does everyone think? Am I a latent homosexual? Or have I just associated feelings of immense shame with sex to such an extent that is leading me eroticize the most shameful thing possible in my life- homosexuality? Is this just severe HOCD with a porn and sex addiction? Or a combo of all the above?
     
  2. It doesn't sound like you're gay - you talk about the various acts/fantasies/images, but seem clear that it's just them. You're not thinking about guys/a guy, just a particular sex act or a penis, for example.

    I've experienced something similar, though with less stiff on the social side. It can be very confusing and difficult to understand, and it does make you question who you are.

    Human sexaulity is a fluid thing and can change to some degrees - keep up with your reboot and when you've got a bit more distance and clarity, look at breaking this down - is this just sexual fantasy, do you want the sexual reality, or is this newly uncovered aspects of you?
     
  3. Bobmass

    Bobmass New Fapstronaut

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    I think it's like you kept digging, digging, and digging for more pleasure, and your dopamine levels got used to extreme levels, your will power has been destroyed so it just feels like giving up is the right thing for that temptation, I would promise that you are not gay, unless you want to be gay, the thoughts are thoughts, and the reality is different, you tried to reach the maximum level of pleasure and then it got stuck there, you're a good guy and your feelings of guilt are acting against you, so you eventually succumb that you are worthless because of the relationships you destroyed, and maybe unconsciously punishing yourself by the cuckold fantasies, emotions of shame have mixed up with the emotions of sex, then you got to this level, but i promise you, let's say you eventually acted upon those impulses and did gay acts, or relationships, you will do the same thing you did with the women you knew.. It will reach a peak level where you look at yourself and see that it's your compulsions and emotions that are your problems, you feel guilt about so many things and it's making you act against yourself as a human being.. Forgive yourself first, then second you need to work on your emotions, and compulsive behavior, by attending therapy, meditating, running, volunteering, being a better person and having a good sense of self again to wash out the guilt, instead of punishing yourself towards life, not against it, you eventually have to accept life and be grateful for everything in it..
    Strive for more, but not sexually, because it's like a dead end with sex, you will never get what you need or want out of it.. Want more money, more high scores at some sport, more nofap streaks, you are still young and I promise you that you will get there... After just 1 month your will power will increase and you will not feel like you have to fap or act on any compulsion, then some times challenges will occur, relapses will happen, old memories will come back, but do not react to those emotions, you need at least 2 to 3 years to completely recover and get your brain to reset, it depends on how long you been going for it, your mind needs to be cleansed, by watching nature, reading books, doing sports, and when you get better, don't think of women as a sexual partner, and do not indulge too much in sexual activity, quit porn for good and you will be fine I promise
    I hope this helped..
     
    Supination likes this.
  4. RealPurpleBelt

    RealPurpleBelt Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong brother. You can condition your mind to enjoy almost anything. Don't do anything that would feed into that conditioning.
     
  5. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    Being fixated on a part of human anatomy does not make you straight or gay it just means you are fixated. Porn can make you fixate on a lot of things you would not normally fixate on. Gay men want to be in relationship with other men. I just think you are having HOCD. I’m really sorry. Get sober and stay strong.
     
    RealPurpleBelt likes this.
  6. Jack of Clubs

    Jack of Clubs Fapstronaut

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    If you are in a situation where you are contemplate something extreme (suicide) then it seems to me you should have no problem with doing something extreme that will have great benefit for you: stop using the computer and replace your smart phone with a dumb phone.
    Throw yourself in the deep end and all your thoughts will be focused on how to manage your new situation rather than dwelling on your current situation.
     
  7. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    Man I'm 43, sexual abuse from a guy at 8 and have very similar "issues" as your experiencing. I don't think I'm gay, bisexual yes but not gay. I'll be honest that being in a meaning relationship has cleared up a lot of my questions but it's also really hard when you are between 2 defining points. Must expect you to be one or the other, not both. Being in with being somewhere in the middle was a step but deciding to be with one person in marriage means you pick one and foreclose on the other in some degree. My spouse is understanding and accepting but she still needs to feel secure.

    Taking the time to have good therapy, understand your past and the affects it had on you now and working thru that helps a ton. Without it I would still be a total mess, now I'm only sort of a mess, lol. It gets easier and harder, then easier and harder. I miss stuff all the time. I never really considered what happened to me abuse, must less sexual abuse. I had an little older boy showing me new and exciting things that felt really good. Boom, at 8 I couldn't process this feelings and it altered my path. If you get just a little off course that early it really puts you way off the older. You get so far away from reality you can't relate to another person other than sexually and that and all other aspects of your life become emotion less and limited. I think you being show porn early like that might have bumped you off your path. What ever porn it could have been would have been the start, so if it were a specific flavor of P that could have been your new path. Look into a CSAT therapist. Makes a big difference because you find the reasons and a new why to make changes.

    Good luck, ask questions if you like. It's not easy but there path we are all on ends at some point. Most of the times not by our choice.
     
  8. umih

    umih Fapstronaut

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    Are Sexual Tastes Immutable? (2012)
    It’s[​IMG] time to distinguish ‘sexual orientation’ from reversible ‘sexual tastes’

    “The bulk of scientific evidence currently favors the view that the origins for most sexual desires are not cultural but innate.” —Leon F. Seltzer

    Such statements mislead people that all sexual inclinations are created equal and are immutable. This is simply not true.


    Yes, genitals quite often fire up without our commanding them. Yet researchers have shown that mammals can be conditioned (and sometimes reconditioned) to adjust their sexual response with surprising ease. Even humans have managed to increase or suppress penile erection or vaginal pulse in the lab when offered monetary reinforcement and/or instructional feedback.

    Indeed, most of us have a good bit of indirect say over our sexual tastes (as contrasted with our sexual orientation). Brains are plastic. The truth is we are always training our brains—with or without our conscious participation. We can choose to avoid, pursue, and cease pursuit of, stimuli that condition our sexual tastes in particular directions.

    For example, many young Internet porn users condition their sexuality to pixels—such that they do not become aroused by real potential mates (to their horror). They are profoundly altering their innate sexual response in ways our ancestors would have found impossible to comprehend (because our ancestors didn’t have access to a parade of novel erotic cues at a click). This phenomenon of morphing sexual tastes in Internet porn users does not appear to have been researched at all, so the “bulk of scientific research” is badly skewed at present.

    The suggestion that sexual tastes can be profoundly re-conditioned is not purely theoretical. A male rat can be conditioned to prefer a same-sex partner by jacking up his dopamine. And it doesn’t take very long. Researchers injected a male rat with a dopamine agonist (a drug that mimics dopamine), and then placed him in a cage with another male. The two rats just hung out together for a day. (The dopamine agonist is out of the system in about one day.) Researchers repeated this 2 more times, 4 days apart.

    A few days later, the reconditioned male was put to the test. With no dopamine agonist in his system, he was placed into a cage with both his male buddy and another rat (remember the dopamine was out of his system). Guess which rat turned him on the most? He showed much more response to his buddy. Interestingly, if the buddy was also a virgin the conditioned rat and he just demonstrated a social affinity.

    However, and somewhat mysteriously, if the buddy was a sexually experienced rat, the conditioned virgin showed more erections, more genital investigation, and even female-like solicitations —as opposed to normal male mounting behavior. The researchers emphasized that the treated male rat wasn’t gay, as he didn’t try to mount the other rat. Yet he had definitely changed. (Is this evidence of how easily adults might influence youngsters’ innate sexual behavior?)

    Interestingly, female rats couldn’t be conditioned this way – only males. Also, 45 days after all experimental manipulation had stopped, the artificial sexual conditioning had evaporated and the males had no preference for their buddies. Does this help explain why, after ex-porn users stop reinforcing their fetishes with dopamine-raising porn, they often report that their fetish porn tastes evaporate?

    Lesson? High levels of dopamine can powerfully rewire the brain and alter sexual tastes. (More recently, researchers have shown that conditioning with repeated injections of oxytocin and cohabitation also caused males to show a preference for other males several days later – even if offered receptive females at the same time.)

    Similarly, continued porn use can’t change your sexual orientation, but it can change what type of porn excites you. Desensitized porn users (low dopamine signalling) search for whatever will jack up their flagging dopamine. Once they find it, dopamine spikes, and the process of re-conditioning their sexual response has begun. If they keep masturbating to the new genre, subtle brain changes rewire their sexual circuits, leading to an inadvertent, and often alarming, change in porn tastes that make it difficult, or even impossible, to climax to earlier tastes.

    In the meantime, the unfounded claim that porn choices are “innate” rather than “cultural” also ignores an extensive body of evidence from multiple cultures about socially conditioned sexual practices. Psychologist Kirk Witherspoon explains:

    Sexual expression around the globe and across time has known the widest variety of permutations that have all been considered “normal” somewhere. … What is deemed normal often has a large learned (nurturing) component, not a mere innate (nature) predetermination. For example, many of the sexual offenders I evaluate were themselves introduced to sex as children—either with other kids or with adults. Others, of course, may be more biogenically preconfigured.

    Internet porn use may be “normal” in our culture at present, but we should be cautious about assuming our porn-skewed tastes are “innate” or “immutable.”

    Irreversible versus reversible
    In the case of porn users, it’s more accurate to think in terms of “irreversible” versus “reversible.” Given long enough time-frames, or exposure during sensitive periods, sustained addiction could lead to irreversible preferences, at least in some people. Also, the earlier an attraction-pattern is established the more innate-seeming, or immutable, it will be.

    However, “reversible sexual conditioning” is the most likely explanation for the experience of many of today’s porn users/lovers. They consistently describe escalation to harder and more extreme stimulation. If their tastes were instead immutable, they would swiftly find their perfect “fit” and stick to it indefinitely. Instead, many report profound, surprisingly rapid, shifts in behavior and performance. As it is, sexual tastes are changing rapidly. Said one observer:

    I’m bisexual. These days, the men and women I sleep with are doing things that are more in line with pornographic acts than having sex. Things ten years ago were different. Recently, a woman I slept with asked if I wanted to perform anal sex on her. I’ve never enjoyed it (with men or women) so I declined and she almost seemed relieved, like it was some sort of normal thing that is expected of women. Also it takes forever for a lot of men to climax nowadays. My last boyfriend suffered from delayed ejaculation and he was a very heavy porn user.

    Another guy described his escalation into illegal content:

    I started looking at porn, on a regular basis, about five years ago. First there were the beautiful women, then the HC porn, then the weird insertions, then the transvestites, then critters, then the hermaphrodites, then the teen porn, then the younger models and now prison (soon to go). As the years passed I became less and less interested in masturbating and more and more interested in “novelty” searching. Towards the end, I couldn’t sit at a computer without searching. I’ve never even remotely considered touching anyone or invading anyone’s privacy (all my kids and others can attest to that). Looking back, I just don’t see how I could have been so ignorant as to not recognize that I had a problem.

    A better understanding of brain plasticity, addiction and how to reverse such trends is vital—lest we imprison such porn users as pedophiles instead of treating them for inadvertent sexual conditioning and/or addiction. Widespread awareness of the risk of morphing sexual tastes would also encourage more people to learn about their options and seek help earlier. Note the experience of these three guys:

    Minors – When I used porn all the time I went to more and more extreme material. For me it was young girls. From 10 to 16 years old – hentai, models, CP; didn’t matter, I loved it. I would never dream of doing anything with them. However, I always felt awkward around them (including my niece) because I had so much trouble separating them from my sexual thoughts of little girls. Since quitting porn, my taste in women has become far more mature and developed. I used to look at women with big boobs and think ‘Meh, too large,’ but lately I’ve just been thinking ‘Ooh… Boobies.’ It has been weeks since I’ve looked at a young girl and thought of her as sexually attractive. TL;DR: I think cutting out masturbation to Internet porn may have helped fix my ephebophilia/pedophilia.

    Feet – Gradually became addicted to foot-fetish porn and eventually couldn’t get it up for actual sex. You have no idea how embarrassing that is. Then I got into a situation where I couldn’t look at porn for a month and a half, and couldn’t beat off either. 6 weeks later, I was waking up rock-solid erections and sex was like the old days again!!

    Femdom – I never thought that I’d be able to have normal sex. I always thought that my brain was just hard-wired to only be turned on by my femdom fetish, similar to the way a gay guy can only be turned on by cock, and cannot appreciate sex with a woman. Little did I know that the fetish I thought was hard-wired within me, was simply the result of my porn-viewing habits. It was a hell of my own making. Now, at day 91 of no porn/masturbation, I managed to have successful sex with 3 different girls over the course of this weekend, the last sexual encounter being the most satisfying. This latest sexual encounter increased my sexual confidence greatly, and has removed any doubt that I previously had about the effectiveness of the reboot process.

    Sexual choices matter(continued)
    [​IMG]The familiar message that “our sexuality is impervious to our choices” is a risky message. For one thing, it subtly implies that early childhood sexual trauma or adult/child sex is innocuous, as it cannot alter our innate sexual trajectory. How likely is this to be true—especially given the extreme plasticity of our brains during key windows of sexual development? (See this recent paper on sexual reward and preference and our post Why Shouldn’t Johnny Watch Porn If He Likes?) After all, the male rats discussed earlier lost their same-sex partner preferences in a mere 45 days without drug and behavioral reinforcement.

    It’s evident that some people have their sexuality conditioned in discordant directions through events beyond their control. Adult-child sex is one possibility, but consider this story from The Brain That Changes Itself:

    Robert Stoller, M.D., a California psychoanalyst … interviewed people who practiced hardcore sadomasochism, which inflicts real pain on the flesh, and discovered that masochistic participants had all had serious physical illnesses as children and had undergone regular, terrifying, painful medical treatment.

    Some sexual tastes are clearly reversible. The key is to stop reinforcing (climaxing to) the unwanted tastes, and to cease any related addictive behavior. In this way, people discover for themselves if the unwanted tastes fade away after, say, three to six months. Psychiatrist Norman Doidge writes:

    As for the patients [experiencing unwanted porn tastes], most were able to go cold turkey once they understood the problem and how they were plastically reinforcing it. They found eventually that they were attracted once again to their mates. None of these men had addictive personalities or serious childhood traumas, and when they understood what was happening to them, they stopped using their computers for a period to weaken their problematic neuronal networks, and their appetite for porn withered away.

    Of course plasticity varies. Doidge contrasts such folks with less plastic patients:

    Their treatment for sexual tastes acquired later in life was far simpler than that for patients who, in their critical periods [of development], acquired a preference for problematic sexual types. Yet even some of these men were able, like A., to change their [preferred] sexual type, because the same laws of neuroplasticity that allow us to acquire problematic tastes also allow us, in intensive treatment, to acquire newer, healthier ones and in some cases even to lose our older, troubling ones. It’s a use-it-or-lose-it brain, even where sexual desire and love are concerned.

    Therapists may wish to defer final assessment until a client has been allowed to take a lengthy hiatus from climaxing to unwanted sexual tastes, whether via porn, acting out, or fantasy. If a proclivity proves immutable, then offer therapeutic help for acceptance, or perhaps lifelong
     
  9. umih

    umih Fapstronaut

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    i read these types of things on nofap.these fears me a lot
     
  10. For years i ve been feeling similar ideas duo to excess of PMO, and in the end i didnt become gay. Cut out the PMO of your life and these surreal feelings will disappear, i assure you. The PMO cicle look like something pleasure in the beginning but this shit ruins your life in after the "pleasure".

    Dont desesperate yourself man, know what? You are not gay, your mind is just fullfilled with distorced thinkings about youself. Forget the PMO and forgive yourself about this ideas, you already did the most important thing: share the problem to people with similar issues and search for a solution. Keep strong dude, you will kill this vice from your life by making a effort to avoid it at all cost.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2020
    savetheearth292 likes this.
  11. ShogunGeneral

    ShogunGeneral Fapstronaut

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    I dont think your gay... but I do think your background has fed you the false idea of what human sexuality is. Plainly they've gotten it wrong. The human mind is so complex its doubtful someone is only 'one thing' as far as their expression sexuality. Whats more then likely is your own fear, or the culture which you were brought up fear of homosexuality has forced you to repress some aspects of your own sexuality. Men and women both contain masculine and feminine aspects in their psyches. If you suppress these they will not go away... in fact they will find a way to bubble up with more force. You should try to look into aspects of the shadow psyche and Carl Jung. But embracing these aspects you're trying to repress you may actaully find they disapate.
     
  12. Arjuna's path

    Arjuna's path Fapstronaut

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    Hi dude, it seems that your anxiety is about to kill yourself and let you hanging on your thoughts to save yourself from your own reality!. As a person who tries to define his sexuality, this is probably the worst path that leads into depression (as you mentioned). The truth about scaping is that it is useful for us to enter in another world for a few minutes, hours, where every problem, difficulty and all the shitty things that can happen in this junk world become inexistent and your mind feels relaxed as it does when you are dreaming. Let me tell you something, what I think you are doing is entering in another state of mind in a way that you are used to. Not because you want to, of course, but is what our society uncounciosly taught you to do. I had a friend who did that a lot: he couldn't accept his own behavior as a result of something he couldn't control, so instead of doing something else with all that creative imagination, he used to spent most of his time trapped in his thoughts, asking questions that he couldn't ever answer (this also leads to anxiety).
     
  13. umih

    umih Fapstronaut

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    After 10 months of hocd in that period i watched "submissive cuckold and interracial porn videos because of my porn addictionan nd sometimes checked using gay pictures.can this make any impact in my sexuality.After 4 months of suffering from hocd i came to know about how porn addiction related to hocd in this community.
     
  14. Arjuna's path

    Arjuna's path Fapstronaut

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    Hello!. If you are worried of becoming homosexual, then I would say that you are afraid of desiring men. Then I would tell you something that it could sound strange at first. Did you ever heard about Buddha's 4 noble truths?. To get rid of any kind of suffering, we should get rid of every desire. Kill the desire for everything you think you want (to know what your sexual orientation is, to improve your sexuality, to become a better person) and all of the sudden you will notice that a whole different perspective will open for your eyes. Every worry, anxiety and depressive thought will vanish because they are not only useless and a waste of time, but also because they feed from our own beliefs that we are only capable of being valuable if we have something to achieve or discover.
     
  15. Mideast

    Mideast Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the post Arjuna. I wonder where to start about the 4 noble path if I do not want to be a Buddhist. To read and apply the material that is, please. Are there academies or short courses that one follows their progress with?
     
  16. CRISSTEUTÓN777

    CRISSTEUTÓN777 New Fapstronaut

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    Dear brother, first of all, you must keep the joy in the depth of your heart, do not be discouraged, if it helps you some consolation I would also like to share my experience with you, due to the absence of my father figure and of course I met bad friends world of pornography, a trap I have been in for many years; However, despite my falls, I have acquired the awareness that it is a disease that should be treated with the help of a good friend, the assistance of psychological treatment if necessary, but mainly the intervention of GOD, when we have looked impurity or committed impure acts with our body, God has always been suffering with us, I assure you, suicide is not the solution, you are a 23-year-old young man, what a wonder, you have life ahead of you, so don't give up on anything of the world, I will entrust you in my prayers, I recommend you when you have temptation, immediately doing 50 to 100 push-ups, this will appease the desire for a few moments, but you must then pray to the holy spirit, I will share the novena that will provide you with innumerable strength, I have always thought that those who fight against this addiction like us have to become incredible people after overcoming it, so forcefully brother, I am a man who has suffered I am not what with this addiction but with other wor se ones, he exhorts you from Colombia. God and Maria bless you always.
     

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