Being abstinent gives me the strength to fight my demons....fighting against PTSD(365+days)PART ONE

hello my dear friends ... i have been in monk mode for just over a year. I have to say it was and it is a ride across hell and back. but ... but all the effort, all the sweat, the many tears, the unbelievable pain and the resulting insights ... were all worth it. hello i want to introduce myself .. my real name is simon i come from germany and i am 34 years old. I have ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder). I was sexually abused between the ages of 1-2 years. Probably several times. The topic of sexual abstinence has come into my life again and again over the past few years, but I've always ignored it, although the myths about it somehow fascinated me.Then after the separation of my girlfriend at the time, I decided to switch to monk mode in order to get a grip on my life. At first I had the intention to lay as many women as possible, get rich, look good, etc ... all this unimportant nonsense. But after the first few weeks and months my goals kept changing. At some point I turned my attention to my health and professional success. Before that, i was unemployed for almost nine years and found a job in the middle of last year..a position as an intern..paid ... in an anthroposophical institution that offered people (young and old) support in all walks of life. I was very, very successful in this job .. I only received praise, recognition and appreciation from all sides.I learned how to deal with people who do not have an easy life in this institution and I learned very quickly. I got better and better .... all my attention was focused on people looking for help ... and I became more and more successful in my job. ..I became more confident and learned to express myself better. I learned to speak with self-confidence in front of larger groups, in front of specialists and experts ... I became more and more courageous ... more and more praise came from all sides ... once I constructively criticized the boss in front of all employees where nobody but me dared to say anything to the boss ... the result was even more praise and recognition... was very social...getting recognised and complimented by pretty girls from every age...flirted alot..was ready for a new girlfriend... i was on cloud nine ... i floated there for several months ... i was sure that from now on my life will only go uphill ....but i was wrong ... very very wrong ... at the beginning of the year i decided to just live healthy (which i didn’t always succeed in)...so i decided no unhealthy lifestyle anymore... good nutrition .. lots of exercise ... no internet (absolute minimum) ... dopamine fasting .... everything went well ... and then came corona ... and through my healthy lifestyle everything came up that was hidden. ... all the poison in me that I have accumulated over the last few decades came up and hit me incredibly hard to the ground ... and stayed there for about 2 months ... all traumatic violent childhood experiences came up and all the violent things that I did When I was young did come up ... the pot was opened and I couldn't close it again...I have very painful and long-lasting flashbacks in the form of nightmares and very disturbing thoughts ... my whole body hurts because of the flashbacks .. my sleep disorder, which I have always had, got worse and worse ...my aggressions, with which i have struggled all my life, keep increasing ... i lost everything i had built up in the last year ...But in the darkest time of my life, I realized the absolute greatest power one gets through retention ... the fucking power to heal your deepest and most painful wounds ... I have a new ultimate and irrevocable goals ... heal myself and helping people like me...and............... BECOME A FUCKING INCREDIBLE HERO WHO FUCKING TAKES ON ABSOLUTELY EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE

 

Urges to porn yes. Urges to Sex no( but Not that IT Drives me crazy)
I completly answered wrong Here.. hahaha i meant urges to porn no. Urges to Sex yes

 

Correct

 

Thanks. Ptsd ist a huge topic and i suggest you Research on your own. But i gladly give my best to give you a little Insight.
The main symptoms of a post-traumatic stress disorder are: The involuntary remembering and reliving the trauma Avoidance, suppression and forgetting of the event. Nervousness, anxiety and irritability.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs as a delayed psychological response to an extremely stressful event, a situation of exceptional threat or disaster-like proportions. In my Case sexual abuse as a Baby. I completly suppressed It. The suppressing and forgetting of such an Event ist caused by protection mechanisms, to protect you from it. My flashbacks came in Form of Nightmares. I Had Trouble with insomnia all my Life and its getting worser as iam getting older. My therapist (a Trauma Specialist) and i believe that the Traumatic Event happened while sleeping. My sleep is restless and not very deep( disturbed REM). Thats my Problem now. People with ptsd have a hard time running a "normal" Life Like other people do. They fail in easy daily routines such as hygene, cleaning, cooking, being social. My biggest problem was definitly anger and aggression. I need almost all my Energy to surpress the anger and aggression. Most of the time Time i feel Like the incredible Hulk XD because ive done so much violent Shit and exploded uncontrollable. But that also ist a mechanism of ptsd because i View people Most of the time as threat. I could Go on and on with this so its better you Research it or you can ask more precised questions If you Like . And yes i believe semen retention is a Tool to heal yourself its a tool to motivate yourself and helps a lot to keep you on this path. I know deep down that this healing process will give me incredible amounts of Energy . I really Hope that this little Insight helps. If you arent seeing a therapist or opened to somone about it you Trust i encourage you to do so, because you will feel brave as fuck If do it. Namaste my dear friend

 

Why cant you See a therapist?

 

Is there anybody you can Talk about it?

 

You could also Join ptsd Forums or groups in FB etc. .