what else should i expect?

Have him take a lie detector test! Also you have to remember his brain is on porn so it may not be what he truly desires, he is caught up in his addiction. I realize I wasted precious life on trying to figure it out. Any of it or all of it. Esp just him and our relationship.

 

Would he consider doing something like a Seven Pillars course(it's made by Pure Desire)? That has helped me so much in seeing why I act out. It sounds like he's just trying to do behavior modification and doesn't even know why he looks at it. The term being "white-knuckling". Or, maybe he's just filled with shame and doesn't want to talk about it. Or, maybe he's afraid of losing you, but also afraid of losing porn so he's just trying to keep both. Or, maybe he's a narcissist. Or, maybe he has trust issues. (I have a lot of trust issues from experiences in my childhood). I guess there's lots of reasons. Do you know what number he is on the Enneagram? For instance, if he's a 2, 3, or 4 often they tend to really struggle with shame. Or, maybe he's just really angry and it's an outlet for his anger more generally 8, 9, and 1. Or, maybe he's a very anxious person and it calms him, often 5, 6, and 7. For me, my pmo use relates a lot with my desire to be known or be desired. I want to be loved by people who know me, because as a child those who should have been kind and loving to me often were not, and there are certain genres of porn that create that illusion.

I'm replacing this horrible thing with good things like having a sponsor, where I am known, by talking about everything every day with no shame or judgement involved. So instead of using porn to fulfill this desire, the desire being to feel loved unconditionally, I'm able to get it through authentic honest connection and still being accepted just like porn gave me. And the sad thing is I'm 28 and I've never really had this until this year.

People have to want to change, I wish this was easier. I'll be praying for you both that his heart will change and your marriage will become a place of love and trust.

Take care of yourself! I'll pray also that you feel Jesus' love and His comfort!

 

@used19, do you still want a list of behaviours to ask about? I can think if a long list of things that either I have done, or that other addicts here have done, but I'm not sure it's wise to list them out. Two questions

1. Are you sure you want to know all the possible things?
2. What are the activities that haunt you in your imagination, i.e. what are you worried about finding out?

 

How has your life changed since dday? How has he changed? The changes should b obvious. If you feel he isn’t being honest, then he’s not being honest. For me to move forward, I made my husband take a polygraph. I mean, if they’ve lied before, why in the world would you believe he’s not lying now? I asked questions about strip clubs, real life affairs, genre of porn. However, you want them to take the polygraph when they have at least 30 days sobriety and working with a csat helps them understand how the polygraph will go. Since I too, am one who wanted to know everything. I’m couldn’t move forward without knowing it all. I also didn’t trust him to be honest about it, so hence the polygraph. For me, it was by far the most helpful thing I did.

 

Well after first dday ( 23 years ago) I insisted on polygraph’s whenever I asked for them. Which is ironic since 23 years ago this wasn’t even known as an addiction. But I worked in law enforcement and see too many people who lie without blinking. I just figured if he could lie to me even one time about one thing then I cannot believe anything he says. Addicts lie, then when they are caught they get better at lying. This addiction is so incredibly easy to hide. I made boundaries, even back then, he could no longer travel unless I went with him. This meant he lost out in training that could’ve advanced his career, but I didn’t care. Still, he continued to lie. I knew it, but usually couldn’t prove it, so I just began focusing on me and our kids. Fast forward 22 years I discovered a betrayal trauma Facebook group, recognized he had an addiction and showed it to him. He has been in counseling for years, but with this information he got a csat counselor and started going to sa groups 3 times a week. The changes in him are astounding. Everything is different in our marriage and even physical changes in him. The polygraph testing helps me confirm my gut. Many addicts escalate to chat rooms, sexting, escorts and worse. I wanted to know exactly what he had or had not done and if he lies about looking at porn he sure isn’t going to tell u he had a one night stand or an ongoing struggle with massage parlors. So it confirms if he is telling me the truth about everything. There were a couple things he held back, but spilled right before the polygraph, which is not uncommon. Things I never could’ve found out about without a polygraph. I’ve been seeing a csat and I love her, she has guided me on the polygraph this last time around ( before I was just on my own asking for it). Unfortunately, I would not believe any addict without a polygraph. So it helped me be sure of what he was saying. I worked vice for 2 years as a decoy, 99% of the men who solicited me were married! The biggest fear they had when we arrested them was if we were going to tell their wife, and how could they hide it?! Fortunately I handle all our money so it would be very difficult for him to hide that kind of expense. Especially since I’m old school and reconcile our account daily, lol. You have to protect yourself.

 

Good. Who wants to fill their head with this kind of stuff!

People say that it is important to be quitting for yourself, not just for your wife. The personal aspect of my own recovery that has had the most impact on me is that I am not a hypocrite anymore. That feels fantastic.

This crops up occasionally and I am not sure if I am out of kilter with everyone or what, but it seems obvious to me that fantasising about something and wanting it are two different things.

I've used cars as an analogy. @used19 what is your fantasy car? Mine's a Mark II Land Rover.



I love how this car looks, that wonderful 'form follows function' solid no-nonsense look, but more than that I love to fantasize that I am the kind of man who has one of these. That kind of man lives in a very remote part of the countryside, works the land, and is mechanically minded. These cars do not even have a synchromesh! So I enjoy fantasizing about owning one. But if you bought me one as a gift what would I do? I'd refuse the gift or immediately sell it. Why? Because although I enjoy the fantasy I recognise that the reality just is not me: I am not mechanically minded, I enjoy living near the cultural events of a city too much to move to the middle of nowhere, and I like a modern car that works. I have no problem recognising that an enjoyable fantasy is not the same as something I want in real life.

@Psalm27:1my light has mentioned a few things (porn genres,chat rooms, sexting, escorts, and massage parlours). I'll write out a list and direct message it to your inbox.

Nonsense: you will either find a man who feels the same way as you, or you will stay with your current husband while he does the work required to be all he can be, the version of himself he projected in public. It is hard work, but once he gets going the rewards will hook him.

 

I sort of get what you are saying, about it not being as "bad" as how it is for some partners on here who choose to stay even despite all this. But honestly, it still hurts a ton. Their pain does not negate your pain. I obsess over this too much and I find I think about it far more than he does. The idea of a new device instantly sets off terror in me, and it takes a whole for him to even realize it could be an issue.

 

My husband is currently almost 4 years from his last relapse. For HIM one of the main things was.... He did not want access to his reports. That way he could not test for "loopholes". I hope that makes sense. We currently don't have any filters and have 2 sons, aged 10 and 7. I have told them when they use the computer I can see everything they do, as well as an old phone they use for Google calling and audio books. Normally, I feel much better about our situation, and I've learned a lot about locking down devices because my husband is extraordinarily tech savvy. Our system has been successful but I am currently feeling overwhelmed by this issue... Even though I am relatively certain he isn't using right now.

 

I had to know everything too. EVERYTHING. It nearly did me in, but I dug and dug and dug. There are things I know that he has no idea I know because he doesn't even remember them. That's how far back some of it goes. Some things were so shocking I literally couldn't eat or sleep for days. I questioned who this man was that i married. It really shook me to my core. But I sti had to know. My advice is to be 100% sure you want to know it all, it can be devastating.

 

How did you find all that stuff out.?
And what kinda things did you find out?
I only ask because I feel the stuff I’ve found out is the most awful. I judge myself for staying in this. ...... but you know......... it’s not that simple to just “leave”
And more importantly, how do you make your mind stop thinking of the things?

your sharing would be so helpful.
At least we feel we are not alone

xo