Rebooting

Hey there. Not the first time I come to this forum. But things have changed a bit since I last came here.

My wife has known about my porn addiction even since before we were in a relationship. She figured it out when she read my email account that I left on on her computer. That wasn't a nice move but that's how it went.
During our relationship and marriage it's always been a huge topic to talk about my problem and addiction. I have tried seeing a shrink and going to a self help group led by a therapist. Also I talked with other guys about it in my christian student organization. But eventually nothing really stuck.
My wife really wanted to know what, when and where about if I masturbated. But I really didn't want to talk about it. So that is where all the lying began. She was always the one that would start this conversation. It was never me. Of course it wasn't me, because all I would feel was guilt. And I would feel stupid, weak and shameful. And I just couldn't stop watching porn. Sometimes it was once a week and sometimes it was multiple times a day when I was alone in my student room. So even when we weren't married this would go on. The whole subject meant a lot to her. She took the P and M very personal.
Around the time we got married she got a depression. She had been having one for years already but now it looked like it flared up again. It was a tough time. A couple years later she started feeling better. We got our first child but after that she fell into a depression again. It went a bit better and we got our second child after which she fell into a depression again. Our kids are now three and five years old and my wife is doing much better. I am very happy we all got through this and I hope we never have to go through something like this again.

Through these last years the conversations about my addiction changed a bit. She started seeing the masturbation and porn more for what it is: a problem underneath. She still wanted to know how it was going but started pressing me less. Eventually a while ago she acknowledged she pressed me hard on this and only pushed me away with demanding answers that weren't going to help either of us. The biggest problem for her now is that she really hates the lying and me not telling what's really going on with me. Because if watching porn is a result off something happening inside me that something is probably a problem I have face and learn to overcome in another way. And she is absolutely right about that. So I am extremely happy she doesn't press all the guilt buttons anymore. And in stead of wanting to stop my addiction because otherwise I would have to confess my sins to her again I can now focus on getting rid of the problem that's keeping me down and really talk about it with my wife.
So that's what I want to do. I needed some time to overcome the fear of my wife wanting to know everything again.

Writing down all this makes me realize I have an amazing wife who is willing to overcome not only depression but also her own thoughts and convictions about porn and masturbating and my process in this. That's pretty crazy.
Any way. First up is my next 30 days of no porn and no masturbation. And meanwhile try and experience what is happening to me when I feel the urge. What is making me want to do it? I already know it is common for me to feel the urge after stressful situations at home. But it's also already a trigger when I am just home alone and everyone is gone for a while.

That's it for this post. I hope I will come in and check here regularly. But it has been my experience that even that can be hard. So I hope to be back here soon.

 

Good morning. Things are going well. I had to actively avoid watching porn though. But that worked out fine when I started doing some other activities.
I just did a inline skate tour. I do that once or twice a week and I really enjoy it. Keeps me healthy and active and is generally good for me.

I also finished cleaning the house a bit this morning. The kids are away for the weekend so I could really go at it.
I will see you later.

 

Good evening. I am doing well over here. I had a nice day off and went swimming in a nearby lake with the kids. It was great! The last couple days I have been working and tonight I have a night off. It's quiet in house now because my wife went out for a swim just a half an hour ago and the kids are asleep. That's also I time I have to make sure I have stuff to do and I have to be aware of watching porn. I got the urge just a couple minutes ago so I decided to just press the quicklink to the forum.
Thanks for your response Kaia and SynthisticAero. I aprreciate it.
Now that I am typing this up the urge goes away and I start to feel better again. There is always this moment that I feel like the urges are undeniably strong. Those feelings and thoughts are lies thankfully.
So I am up on day four now and going strong. I'm off doing other stuff now. See you soon.

 

Well... that's a reset. Too bad. But it just reminds me to keep being focused and make don't think I just 'got this'. I got overwhelmed by the urge to watch porn and acted on it.
I feel bad about it and didn't want to come to this forum again. But I know it helps to stay aware and don't let things slide or it will only get easier to keep watching porn. Just because I feel stupid and guilty and feel like 'it doesn't matter anymore'.
So. 0 days and let's go.
I must say those busy and tiring work days are pretty exhausting... That doesn't help.

 

No idea how I'm supposed to do this on my own now. I guess I really do need some help here. I'ts like I don't have any buffer for any kind of urge or something. That's not true... and that's not what is happening... But I do feel like that some times. Anyway. Last time it went really well was about a year ago. The big difference is that I was sharing my challenge with my wife.
Guess I have work to do. You will find out if I did in a couple of days.
Also I really don't have anyone else to talk about this. Just this website. But with Covid-19 going around it is hard to meet people and talk about it. Maybe in church or something like that.

 

I finally talked to my wife. It took me quite some courage because there have been years and years of her lashing out to me and even though her reaction has changed I am still afraid of her reaction. That makes me want to avoid talking about this at all. But the the obvious downside is that we won't talk about anything important anymore.
I's quite hard to really explain what's going on and over the years I just accept her reaction because I think I deserved it. I was the one lying and I was the addict. So it is my problem.

I am happy I talked to her now.