Relapsed after 8 months free

Hey guys,

So basically I am porn and masturbation free since December 2019. I have been on this journey for a very long time, I m 27 years old, addicted since I was 13 and trying to get rid of the addiction since 2012 when I was 19 years old.

I had a lot of cycles of being pmo free for a period of time then binge relapsing again and again for all of these 9 years. Also realised I have Ocd which in my case manifests in an obsession of having the perfect rebooting process otherwise I want to quit, relapse and start it all over again....

Since December 2019, also being the start of my current relationship, I was pmo free until last Saturday. I was watching some pics on instagram of a former model that I liked, searched for her naked pictures, in the end found myself on a porn site. I have to say that I had multiple encounters with naked pics and vids of girls during this time, a few even searched by myself, but just looked, turned the page over and nothing happened. I truly believed myself to be a free, non pornography addict anymore who can look at a pic or a video of a girl or a sex scene and not lose his mind in a masturbation fueled frenzy. And that actually seemed to be true until last Friday...

After looking at that naked girl pics I decided to check my libido with a porn site. I m still very disappointed with my libido, I use ED meds all the time when I have sex even though I reduced the dose dramatically and I seem to be ok once every few days or so to have sex even without pills. Even once every 2 days. But still, a 27 year old young man should have a libido of at least once or twice sexual activity per day.

So I wanted to see if porn was still the issue and check my arousal at it. No arousal. Looking at many clips. Awesome I said. Let s check masturbation without porn. Went very well. I practiced edging periodically but wanted to check again ( masturbation exercise without orgasm for premature ejaculation). Tomorrow morning felt the urge to go on a porn website again. This time to also masturbate. Did it for a little then went to my gf and had sex two times in two days with her and felt far more aroused than with porn. I was so grateful.

But Monday when I left her... All hell broke loose when I woke up on Tuesday. Session after session I lost myself in a crazy world of addiction. I had no idea that my entire being and sense of self could change like that in a day. Cravings? Off the charts. (3 days ago there were 0 Cravings even if you d show me a porn clip). Depression? I feel like the world ended. Anxiety? I m so scared of going back to my old self and losing everything. Brain fog? I can t think straight or concentrate for more than 5 seconds. Motivation? All of my bodybuilding plans, my training and nutritional program which I followed to a T, now I can t give 2 shits about it. Work? The same. Sleeping? No way, my mind is on another plane. Ocd is permanently telling me that I fucked up in some way and need to quit and start a perfect reboot again. Brushing teeth? Who cares... Applyng my hair loss prevention medication? Who cares?...

I became a shell of myself in 1 fucking day. The actual true relapse happened Tuesday. By the end of Tuesday I changed completely. I swear that it almost seems magical. It s like my 8 months self shattered with a fucking session of masturbating to a clip of people having sex. I feel I should be interviewed by Discovery channel, it s insane... I will go and spend some time with my gf, about 2 weeks in like 2 and a half days. I m scared to not completely destroy myself until then... I destroyed myself these 2 days. Tuesday and Wednesday. I know that 2 goddamn days can t delete 8 months but I feel like I m in hell... Again I don t know how to get up and be back... I was a fool... I realise this is a disease that I will NEVER be healed of and I ALWAYS need to take care of it otherwise it WILL come back and destroy my life...

Any advice or just pieces of encouragement?... It will be highly appreciated to help myself rise again from this hell...

 

Thanks to all of you about the responses.

After I posted this I listened to Jordan Peterson's benzodiazepines withdrawal journey on youtube and made me see things a little bit into perspective. What a horrible state for a great man... I felt like I was not alone in this if Jordan Peterson is also having his own journey and a far worse one to be honest...

I woke up and looked at the rest of the video. Read your responses here and felt better. I will clean up the room, eat, go to the vet, go to work, etc. I am ready to feel all kinds of withdrawal symptoms but face and contain them. Just for this day. Then for one more day. And then for one more... And go back on my 8 months track and give the middle finger to these days... I ll post here daily at least for the beginning, detailing my symptoms in this situation. If anybody is interested in reading it or chiming in, you re my guest.

Wish all of you a speedy and good recovery as well!

 

I slowly tapered the ed pills dose down to where I was taking a low dose recently. I intended of lowering it once more and then go without it, taking things easy and progressive.

I m in bed now, I ll go to the vet and work in half an hour. My mood seems to swing between very confident, positive with great energy and a little down, thinking about the past, fearing the future... Things like that. I have some degree of anxiety about the world overall right now, like i m a bit afraid of things, i can t even seem to put it in proper words.

But all of this was expected and taken into account of course, it s my first day after these 2 days breakdown. Day by day I ll go back to normal.

Actually in regards to the pills, I think they can be a great help if you have sexual issues, slowly tapering them down as your issues resolve until you use none. I think it makes for an easier and more enjoyable recovery process in my point of view.

 

Hey guys,

Thanks for chiming in. I appreciate all opinions and messages

I m at work now and felt the need to write a bit about my day, put my thoughts in order a little. Today I seem to alternate like a bipolar person between stages of euphoria ( everything will be ok, it was just a mistake to show me what I did wrong, I ll kill this, I ll so heal and be back better than ever, being highly motivated and positive) and depression/anxiety ( everything is so bad, I ruined so much, I feel so bad, I m so afraid of the future and so sad about the past)...

I knew and realised that I will have more of the second part and less of the first part in the beginning. And slowly but surely I d have less and less of the bad and more of the good.

I d have to say that this day was very manageable until now except one moment.

I saw a woman at the gym and her breasts were showing. I was switching between "look like you did before, be normal, everything s ok" and "don t look, it s not ok, if you look and i know you will it will be a mistake". I tried to look normally as I did before when I saw an attractive woman on the street and I felt like a blast of guilt, shock, anxiety and cravings to use porn and masturbation to feel better. And 3 days ago I would have no issues, I mean I have sex with my gf all the time and of course check other women too...

For about 30 mins I worked and my mind was in a blank state. Now when I write it, I realise what a ridiculous piece of anxiety thought it is but I need to be at peace with the fact that I will have all kinds of challenges to get back to normal.

Other than that I have a general anxiety and fear of people...And a specialised one. My nipples have become very sensitive and whenever I feel them a wave of anxiety hits my body and I feel very weird and fearful in general. I have moments when people come and talk to me and I feel like killing them. I have moments when I d like to disappear together with everybody else. I have moments when I d like to slam my head against the wall. Recovery is the highest priority to me right now. I can t feel like this anymore...

 

My libido is still not very impressive... Some times it is, some times it is not... I don t know...

 

I h

I haven t logged in here in over a year... I felt like people and their words would help me a bit

 

The last 30 minutes since I wrote that I feel like i m in hell. Friends came and talked to me ( i work in a gym). I talked to some about this. I feel even worse. I feel bad. Very bad. Like end of the world bad. I can t focus to save my life. I just feel dreadfull. I don t even know how to describe it. It s like my very existence brings pain to myself. I feel numb and empty. I hate myself and everything around me. I want to get out of this hell.

 

After 10 more minutes i seemed to feel very well talking to my friends. Now after they left I feel again like i did something wrong and should quit and start again. Even if I know that it is a lie. Ocd plus porn addiction talking. I just need to to have this day in the bag and the next one and then go to my gf and spend the next 2 weeks with her...