Scared and Confused of Sexuality (HOCD, bi, gay or straight? Porn addiction).

Hey there!
So I'm currently new to NoFap but have been trying to reboot for the past months. Latest streak was 6 days but relapsed today. I'm 19 years old and about to enter university. So the reason why I decided to participate in NoFap is to do a reboot of myself because for the past couple of months, I have been highly questioning my sexuality and I am hoping to get some insight and support from all of you. (Warning: this might be a long post so I apologize as well as thanks in advance for reading this ).

So the first time I encountered porn was when I was about 10 years old. Before that, I was already exposed to some nudity in televisions or movies but I couldn't remember much of it so I guess it didn't have much of an effect on me. At first, I was a frisky and excited little boy because I've just discovered the greatest thing in the world which is porn, or so I thought. That's when my PMO habit started. At first, I'd M and O to the scenes I've seen in the computer when I'd take a bath. All the scenes I've seen we're pretty vanilla which mostly composed of girls solo and some male and female and my exposure to porn wasn't that much but my M and O habit in the bath was almost every night or every other night for a year. Then while I was just scrolling around the hub site at the age of 11, I stumbled upon a video of 2 young men in Speedos showing of their members. At first, I didn't make anything of it because I thought they we're men and for them to be together was just shocking so I moved on. However, it was also this time when I met a classmate of mine who just recently came out as gay. He was my seatmate and was very effeminate but protested that he wasn't gay at that time. I think because of his influence, I too became a little effeminate myself but still masculine since I had and still have my group of bros and at that time, I was already madly crushing on a girl for 3 years. I knew there was something up with him because he would talk about his fantasies where he was a girl and he was in love with a boy but he would then say "nothing gay" because he had to gain inspiration for his "novel".

Fast forward a year later, my porn viewing habits and mind had become more dirty because I was exposed to the American Pie movies and the like as well as escalated to hentai, some gang bangs, public, and college amateur. However, the frequency of me viewing porn was fairly average. At this time I was about to get circumcised and days before, I was just there at my bathroom doing M and O when suddenly a passing fantasy of me and a distant relative who was male and a year older than me came up my mind and I just M and O to it. I didn't find it that arousing but it was freaky like really freaky. Also, I was already hard and half into my session thinking about girls when that fantasy came up. In the fantasy, it didn't show much but just him humping me and it wasn't even that graphic since I remember that it only showed our torsos and not the lower body. And so since I was young, I didn't think much of it. When I was 13, I recalled myself taking notice of a penis in a video while I was at the toilet and told myself "that's how a penis looks like? It's huge!". And so, I decided to google images of naked men and tried to fap to it. I did, to my shock, was able to M and O to the photos but didn't find it arousing. Just freaky and quite frankly, funny that I was able to do that. After that, I had a few days of searching photos of penises and checking them out but I didn't find it arousing but I could feel some groinal response the more I checked into it. I guess it was the taboo of me searching those pics. I did drop the habit then and there and came back to my regular porn habits.

When I reached high school, there we're more girls that I came to like and had lots of crushes on them. I also had fantasies about them. However in the summer of my 3rd year, I accidentally clicked on a gay porn video and was so shocked to see myself getting an erection. It wasn't a full erection but still an erection. HOCD thoughts came in and I was depressed about it because all the those same-sex fantasies came coming back. However, I was able to get through it because I was able to abstain from PMO for 2 weeks and I moved on from the issue. Then through the years, my porn use started escalating more from the usual gangbangs and POV to comics. As years passed, the normal stuff began being boring. That's when I reached the last year of high school when I escalated to gay porn. Now it wasn't exclusively to gay porn because most of my PMO habits revolved around straight porn but I could notice that it was losing its effect slowly and during the times I'd M and O to gay porn, I was already hard from watching and fantasizing about girls. I only did gay porn when I felt I couldn't get it up with regular porn. Also, most of the gay porn that I watched was composed mostly of men masturbating solo and rarely the M on M. If it was M on M, I could only watch the blowjob as I found gay kissing and the full on action repulsive. For men doing the solo deed, I would only focus on the penis and skip the video to the point where the actor would orgasm. I never really found the men arousing or attractive but always I could feel the taboo aspect arousing when I M and O to the gay genres of porn. This happened last year until this year and I just subconsciously stopped watching gay porn at March 2020.

Now last April, the HOCD thoughts came back when I accidentally stumbled upon another gay porn video of a man masturbating. This happened after a period of time when I was binging some JOI videos of girls which really aroused me and I would PMO 2 times per session until 3 am. What triggered the HOCD thoughts was that I got an erection as same as last time when I got the HOCD thoughts years back and this time, it was much more intense. I was depressed for about 2 months just thinking that I might be gay or bisexual. I felt like I was lost because the thoughts got the better of me. I would compulsively check out photos of guys and men to see if I'm aroused or found them attractive. Sometimes, the anxiety was so severe that I'd get groinal responses each time something potentially gay comes up like gay videos on YouTube or in social media or when I see people of the same sex. I began to notice men more compared to women and it seemed like I couldn't feel anything to for women anymore. I mean I can notice if a man is attractive but I'm not attracted but the HOCD is making me question all that. I would also compare my reactions of gay porn to straight porn which only fueled the thoughts more. I couldn't distinguish what I was attracted to anymore. I was seriously thinking that I might be gay or bisexual and that I would eventually have to be with a man instead of me marrying the girl of my dreams who has been my crush for the past 6 years which felt distressing to me. I couldn't believe that I was gay or bi. The thought was revolving around the fact that I watched and M and O to gay porn as well as the passing fantasies and then I was beginning to see members of the same-sex in a relatively dirty and disgusting way. Intrusive thought we're always there. I couldn't understanding what was happening. I was always so girl crazy before and I would often fantasize the things I would do for my crush. I even got heartbroken during the time when me and my crush had a fight the year back and she didn't talk to me for months. But the HOCD thoughts were very strong. Moreover before this, I already had some HOCD thoughts the past year and years before whenever I'd see an attractive man in love movies or in anime shows but then realize that I just wanted to be the guy depicted in these media forms. I've never actually looked and been attracted to a guy sexually and romantically before the HOCD this time around came in but there we're two times when I tried to see if I was attracted to them which ended up me realizing that I just wanted to be like them; the typical boyfriend material and masculine type since I'm a shy person to girls when it comes to flirting and I'm somewhat chubby. I also used to be very shy to other boys in school except for my bros but that went away when I started playing football. I also have a thing for men's armpits which first came around my 1st year of high school which I can't understand if its a fear or a fascination of it but its not that strong. I guess that also came from the HOCD thoughts. This thoughts would only come in period where I'd watch porn and especially when I watched gay porn.

Thank you so much for reading up until here. I'm about to finish actually and I'm very grateful that you were able to read up until this point.

Where I am now: Thanks to YBOP and NoFap, I've actually identified that it's escalation to gay p and seeking for novelty and the dopamine rush. What's distressing to me is that over the course of my porn use since my first HOCD depression years back, my attraction to women was slowly depleting. Fortunately, I've read that after a reboot it will come back which I am so excited for. The HOCD thoughts and the same-sex "attraction" have already started depleting with me having two streaks already of 5 and 6 days respectively only for me to relapse on my latest streak because fear got the better of me. It's because I couldn't shake the thought that I might be in denial and I relapsed to my compulsive behavior of checking out photos of men naked if I found them attractive. Fortunately I didn't feel any attraction but there were minor groinal responses which is good on my part and I have already broken my streak so I just thought to myself why not make the relapse worth it by fantasizing about girls and I did M and O faster and harder than ever before. Moreover, some of you might find this thread homophobic but I would like to assure that I am not homophobic and I respect everyone regardless of their race or sexual orientation. I also have a couple of school friends who are part of the LGBT. Moreover, I'm trying to go through this in a non-homophobic matter to ensure I am not in denial and being true to myself. I really believe and think that I'm straight. I guess I just need some support and assurance of my reboot and my orientation. What do you think guys? Am I straight or not? And can you think I can make it through 90? Any form of help is very much appreciated especially in the need to check. I just can't stand it. Plus, the quarantine is not helping me that much. Hope you guys are doing well and thank you so much for reading. Stay safe you guys!

 

Thanks man! Its so nice to know that I am not alone in this journey. I've known for quite a while that there are also many people who are suffering from the bad effects of porn but after literally joining this forum and not just being a guest and connecting with people who also share the same problem, its very reassuring and empowering for me. May I ask how are you right now? Thanks!

 

That's great! Hope you had fun! I'm actually still a virgin so I really can't relate and feel quite a bit jealous but I guess I should wait first until everything falls into place. Don't really want to do anything first until I get a solid reboot. Yes I've also got a hang of the HOCD thoughts but since its only the second day of my new streak, I'm not there yet. I still have some urges and HOCD thoughts that pop up from time to time but they're not that strong and the attraction to women is slowly but surely starting to come back although only mental and romantic sense as of now. Can I ask if your attraction to women already came back? Thanks and good luck to everyone who is sharing the same problem.

 

Hey there! First of all, thank you so much for reading my story and for showing your concern. The last few months have been quite hard on me but I think I'm already recovering. I'm more calm now and the anxiety is virtually not there anymore. I still do get some HOCD thoughts but it doesn't affect me that much anymore. I've actually considered that I might be bisexual many times throughout this journey but it just doesn't resonate with me since I've never experienced any moments where I'd fall inlove with men or think to do something with them. My thought process is somewhat like this "Oh he looks good. Girls dig that." or like in movies "He's a nice guy". Then it will shift to "You said he looks good or that he's a nice guy, you might be gay" and then the whole checking and ruminating happens. All of this popped up in my mind after I've escalated in my porn use but before that, I never had these type of thoughts. Fortunately, I'm all better now and that kind of thinking has been dramatically decreasing. However, I do think its too early for me to draw out a conclusion yet so I guess its best for me to still consider the possibility that I might be bisexual but on a straight side I guess because I still desire girls and not guys. As of now, I think I might be experiencing the flatline because I don't really feel anything. Yes I do agree that sexuality is a spectrum and it can slide depending on what's sexually relevant to each person at the moment. I also want to thank you for the advice to talk to some of my lgbt friends but I'm not that close to them which really makes me uncomfortable because I'd prefer to make this private but I will look into it I guess another factor that's affecting me is the quarantine because we really can't go out of our houses which prevents me from actually spending time with people other than my family. Yeah porn for me is just a bad thing and I wish I never discovered it in the first place or at least I discovered it when I was more older Anyways thank you so much and I hope you and your wife are doing well.