Attention all PAs Please help this SO with a question!

I guess it's normal. I used to do that years ago when my habit was out of control.
I think he is watching porn everyday and he can't stop. Without MO, you'll still have the desire to watch more.
This is not a good sign because the more frequent you watch porn the more it gets out of control and it is going to make you extremely depressed. It was a burden for me just getting out of bed and going to work. I had no choice but to go to a psychiatrist who gave me antidepressants which made my problems much worse. I wish I had a girl. It could have made my journey much easier.

Should you get worried? yes. This guy is literally killing his heart. When you watch porn, your heart goes crazy then it goes back to normal. Then everything becomes dull and boring. The more you watch porn, the faster it happens. I have been suicidal.

Have you tried having sex with him more frequently. I think having more sex could lower his desire for porn. I think if he ejaculated inside you, it would greatly decrease his desire for porn for sometime.

Also, I have been blocking porn on my devices. You could see the apps I'm using here, if you're interested:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...ve-your-willpower-an-aid-easy-streaks.272658/

 

I certainly used to. It was a way to take the edge off, so to speak. At least that's what I told myself. Another way of looking at it - one that aligns more with my experience with this behaviour (which also extended to sfw images, in my case) - is that it's simply keeping the addiction alive.

 

While I don't know your SO, if he is anything like me porn just makes him feel better about himself. Stress and boredom give way to feelings of power and control. Its a way of self-regulating. The fact that he is lying about scrolling reddit is a much bigger problem than the fact that he is scrolling in the first place. Lies are a deal breaker for me in relationships. I don't even maintain friendships with people who lie. When you lie about a problem you can't take action to correct it. You can't even see the problem for what it is. And you can't be trusted. I don't know the details of your situation, but you are right not to tolerate lying.

 

He is clearly addicted, but at least ashamed enough to lie. I know that doesn't excuse the lying but maybe he needs more help than he's currently getting?

I don't think the daily sex is helping matters much, or if it is (I wouldn't know either way), it's maybe a sign that he's more of a sex addict. Can you two go long without sex? Does he seem to need it? If you aren't having sex regularly does his porn use go up? These are questions you should be asking I think (I don't want to know the details), and maybe he needs to see a therapist or join a support group.

 

Honestly scrolling is addictive even when it’s safe for work

 

It's probably hard for any SO to comprehend, but at root a porn addict's attraction to porn is separate, even unrelated, to his attraction to his partner.

I have been in passionate relationships with women I loved, and still would view porn and masturbate to it. The urge for porn came from feelings that were not even really sexual. For me it is mostly to avoid thinking about stressful things in my life or just from boredom.

So my porn habit was separate from and didn't really effect my sex life with my partner - at least from my perspective.

You can take away 2 things from this, I think. First, a man's addiction to porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that there is something wrong with your love making. He can be getting everything he needs sexually and emotionally from you and still have an urge toward porn. Porn is fulfilling completely different needs for him.

Second, you can't replace porn in his life. There is nothing you can do sexually that will pull him away from porn. If he and you really want to end his feelings for porn, he will need to work on the underlying causes of his addiction. The most you can do is support him.

Speaking of which, I am sure the fact your partner lies about his porn use is hurtful. That's fair. But consider that he is likely very ashamed. He is doing something that is really unacceptable and that he knows you want to stop, but he can't fully control himself. That's a terrible feeling.

Also, his lying about his porn use doesn't mean he is lying to you about other things. If he's lying to you from shame, then it may be he is trying to protect your relationship from being torn apart by something he feels he just can't control. It doesn't necessarily mean he's dishonest generally.

But, of course, any dishonesty has corrosive effects. And porn addiction too. So you need to decide for yourself whether this guy is worth the effort. If so, the best thing you can do is be fully supportive. Make him comfortable enough to be fully honest with you. And help him to deal with or seek help for the underlying sources of his addiction.

 

I used to do similar. When I think back it was really nothing to do with the girls in the pictures. It was a way of feeling less stressed, bored and trying to give myself a small boost of happiness. In reality it just compounds your problems and makes you less happy in general. Sorry you are going through this

 

I can understand this situation as I have been there before. He's extremely depressed and only porn could make him temporarily better. But porn just makes his depression much worse. It's disabling him.

It's very hard to stop watching porn when it's just a few clicks away. He could only get better by staying away from porn as long as he can. Time would heal him. I think he should try to limit his access to porn by any means. Maybe get a dumb phone or use porn blockers like those in the thread I mentioned above.

Also, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve living with a disabled man who is damaged by porn. But I know exactly how he feels because I have been there. He feels dead with no control on what he's doing. He needs help. When I was that screwed, I went to a psychiatrist, he diagnosed me with severe depression and gave me killer drugs. They haven't improved my depression a bit because my depression was caused by watching too much porn everyday. In fact, those drugs damaged me but unlike porn, those drugs damaged me permanently. I know I would never be the same as I was before those drugs.

He needs your help not a damn psychiatrist. He must stop watching porn for his depressive symptoms to improve. To be honest that wont' be easy at all. I think he has made the decision to stop watching porn many times but obviously, he's failed. Do whatever it takes so he can't access porn. Change his phone to a dumb one, limit his access to devices with internet or install porn blocker. Just take action.

I know you don't have to go through this. But if you leave him, I don't think anybody else would help him or love him.

 

Sex will not help, in fact it makes quitting harder because of the chaser. Been there done that. The one thing that really helped my husband was no sexual stimulation at all. No sex from me, no seeing me naked, nothing. Occasionally, he will still have a chaser after sex, but it has greatly diminished. Is your bf going to counseling or group? How much does he understand his addiction? Does he know his triggers and inner, outer and middle behaviors? He can’t just quit alone, it’s just not going to happen.

 

If you can find a csat counselor that would help. He could also start attending sa/saa groups, you can do them in your phone or in person if you aren’t on lockdown. Facing the Shadow by Carnes is a good book to work through. 90 days no sexual stimuli at all Is usually the recommended time by csats, but I’ve known couples who went longer because their husband kept relapsing.

 

You know I'm sympathetic about the lying out of shame. It's completely understandable. But it's also critical to you and to his own recovery that he stop lying about it. Not being able to "remember" is possibly true, but a sign of his trying to repress and not deal with his problem, I think. He needs to face up to this or it will not get better.

I think working with a good therapist is his best bet. A specialist could be helpful, but any good therapist should be able to help. I'd look for someone who does cognitive-behavioral therapy, which has good results for addictions, even if you can't find someone dealing specifically with sexual addictions.