Today

Today for the first time i watched porn not to get aroused, but to feel disgust. For quite some time when i think about sex i think it's disgusting. Personification of the human filth. Maybe that's the way i am going to stop watching porn. Or not stopping. I will continue to watch so i feel more of this. I don't want to be near a woman anymore in a sexual way, neither a man. I work in a big company and there's plenty gay people there. Weird shit they're doing is also not for me. I am lonely and sad to the point of no return. For all my life women used me as a toy. Every time i try to approach lead to same result. I became the toy. Boys play computer games, girls play feeling games. Chasing them is not the answer. I don't imagine myself doing it for the sake of making a kid anymore. I am depleted. I am depleted to treat them right while they keep choosing someone that does not give a shit over me. It's been 8 years since i am single. I am constantly thinking of suicide, it's just that's not biblical. If this world seems like hell to me i imagine what's the real deal. Sometimes i wish to forget to look around while crossing the road. 33 years feel like really long time when you're mostly inside your head. On top of everything one morning i've seen something that science is yet to explain. And it's heavy. Really crushing my mind. Because it should be impossible. And i really wish i didn't see it. That's how lonely feel today. Tomorrow won't be much different. I am failing at everything i do. Everything i try to do result in a fail. I am denied of everything i try. My luck is getting thinner every day. I had to fly back to my country to fix a tooth and go to the beach for few days at my sister's place. We got argument cause she wanted me to buy her "dead or alive" a parfume that costs 200 pounds. So instead i was about to stay with my mother, discard my vacation at the beach and still fix the tooth. Then it happens quarantine hit again after government cancel it for a week or two. So i cannot afford that anymore as losing my job is like giving me a shovel to dig my own grave right now. Sadness, loneliness and no luck at all. God must really loves me. He shows me that it could always get worse, and it does every fucking day. Today i thought why our lives are considered a gift by god. Judging by my own they are worth nothing, that's why.