The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Okay... Okay okay... I think it's time to take a step back because clearly what I'm doing right now isn't working.

First off, my old philosophy was to shut off every trigger I could and live like a monk until the reboot was over. The problem with this was that the instant I ended up seeing a trigger by accident I would give in. Maybe I could get a few days strung together, but it was potluck as to how long it took before I saw one picometer of female skin and went on a bender. The other issue is, well, everything's a trigger. There is very little I can actually do in this "monk" state because there's not a lot of stuff that isn't at least potentially triggering.

That was no way to live, and definitely not an effective reboot strategy. So, recently, I did a complete 180 and my new philosophy was to "take it like a man", accept that due to the nature of this addiction there's always going to be triggers and do my best to not let every corset or midriff I saw on the street be the death of me. This, to an extent, actually worked! The first time I used this new way of thinking was the first time in a while I actually got a good streak going. But, it wasn't long before this very same mode was the death of me. Now I've begun rationalising things that can easily become p-subs or even blatant, immediate p-subs as "inevitable", not consciously realising (or caring?) I'm setting myself up for relapse until it's too late.

So I've been thinking. Let's cast politics to the wind for a second because I want to talk about how countries have been locking down and easing lockdowns worldwide. Again, I want to limit talk about current events or what the future may entail and stick to the concept itself: in response to some threat, the vulnerable body is put into a restrictive condition. Then, after some time passes, the body is slowly but surely returned to it's natural state.

I think it would be a good idea to start in a similar way to my first philosophy at the top of this post - if a little less strict -: cocoon myself up whilst I'm most vulnerable. Then slowly but surely as I gain confidence allow myself more and more control back.

 

Day 13.

 

Day 4 checking in

 

Day 3!

 

Day 73!!

 

Day 113

 

Day 1.

 

I’m in. Also an orc
Let’s burn and melt this thing!

 

Day 51 checking in!

 

Day 99 in for me

 

Okok, I've really hit rock bottom this time... What have I done, I nutted nearly all the time, several times a day.
I messed up my diet, sleep and workout routine. Gained over 30 pounds in nearly no time, feeling tired and unfocussed. I hit the gym only twice a week now. And worst of all, all of my own private projects came to an stopp. Damn...
Okok, no PMO anymore, and for the start get more sleep.

 

98 days done

 

@RiseToGreatness I'm in. Day 32 elf.

 

That’s so awesome! Triple digits tomorrow my friend.

 

Call it a relapse, but also call it progress! You had a lot of wins here.

You didn’t MO. —huge win!

You stopped yourself mere minutes in. —incredible willpower

You didn’t go on a binge. You made it back to the forum and shared your experience. —you live to fight another day

You didn’t make any excuses and you held yourself accountable. —major key to getting better

You recommitted to the journey. —onwards and upwards my friend

You’re doing all the right things to build a foundation that will allow you to reach your goals.

You got this!

 

Day 5! Tomorrow I graduate xD. It was a good day. I got a lot done at work and had some success on personal projects. Though I still jave one large project looming over me that has a deadline comming up quickly. I need to focus on it and give it all I have got. Wish me luck!

 

Congrats!

 

I have not been on since Amur day night, but I am on day 16 and I am a Hobbit now @RiseToGreatness. I have not had any temptations since Saturday, including no fishing for bikini photos. I am loving my new place, and I am accomplishing a ton since moving out of my parents house. I am planning to apply for a math Master’s program in Milwaukee for next fall, and I am going to call the grad school tomorrow to discuss next steps. I have not been clean this long for almost a month and a half and other than the few seconds of fishing on Saturday, I have not even sought out anything to turn me on. The porn dreams have been really strong, but I am not letting me control my waking hours. I have only lived in my new place for three days, but I feel like it is the change I needed to get my head on straight. The last time I moved out, the PMO got really bad, but that was before I realized I was an addict, and I assumed it was normal to compulsively engage in PMO. Now I realize that I am an addict and I am in a community both here and in my living situation that is really supportive (even if my housemates are ignorant to my personal struggle). I also met this cute Indian woman on an online dating site and we have messaged back and forth a couple times. I don’t know if this will lead anywhere, but she likes my profile and I like hers, so this may lead to something down the road. Now that I have met her, I am even more dedicated to stay clean because if we ever move past this initial stage and things get serious, I want to be able to say that I have been clean from porn for months if it comes down to me telling her. Porn ruined my life, and I feel like I am ready to be clean for the rest of my life. I am ready to repair my relationships with people and develop new relationships with new people, maybe even get a girlfriend. Even though I made it 23 days without PMO a month and a half ago, I was consistently fishing, but now since getting clean 16 days ago, I have only has a brief moment of fishing once, and as you said @RiseToGreatness it is a red flag, but it is the only red flag I need to remind myself of my purpose in life and the promise I made myself 15 days ago.

Goodnight all!
Best,
Mathman1994