Why do I feel like such a paradox?

I am a Christian who has in my past enjoyed reading Kurt Vonnegut (a hopeful agnostic, I still admire him because he cared about the youth), Haruki Murakami (often embedding sexual fantasies/storylines in plot), enjoyed reading Malcolm X's autobiography and still admire him for growing so much and seeking truth before he died. I enjoyed playing Vampire: Masquerade - Bloodlines (very dark game, sexual elements), enjoyed movies like Her (again with sexual elements and swearing), enjoy Hunter x Hunter (dark elements), Land of the Lustrous (LGBTQ+ elements), and countless other examples of things that are not very godly. In my past I also served as PR for a rather liberal club because the leader really cared for people.

I am conflicted as well at times. Because in some ways I feel that consuming those things I listed helped me to grow and reflect more on cultural issues and themes that are relevant today. But in other ways, you know, consuming and being a part of those things can be an act of rebellion against God. Our eyes are our lamps and we're supposed to keep them pure. We're supposed to be vigilant and prayerful, and not give ourselves to anything that the Devil can use as leverage to slip the carpet up from under us. Do I prefer the listed things I mentioned to things that are more pure? As of now, not really. I have deeply enjoyed a few Christian books that I have read recently, more than the books I listed above. They give me hope and allow me to understand more deeply God's will for us.

As for movies and TV, deep and engaging pure shows are hard to find... Recently I have been watching Farscape, it has a rather liberal morality. Do I enjoy parts of it? Yes, humans are so good at creating compelling and relatable characters... But maybe sometimes it's better to turn off the TV.

It's a tough fight ahead, we must be resilient to a plethora of temptations. Friends or the internet raving about the "next big thing." It's better to resist sometimes... I do know the more time we spend in the Word and guard our time with God every single day, and praying and talking to him at intervals through the day, the more our hearts will be like His, the less we will care to consume the kinds of things you and I once used to (and still like to) consume at times. We'll overcome our current desires and dispositions through the grace of God and truth of Holy Spirit, I'm hopeful.

 

Matthew 6:22-24

22The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good,d your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad,e your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! 24No one can serve two masters: Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

 

I can relate to what you are saying, brother.

God does not judge you for these things, he's already judged you through Christ. You are not saved by not doing or doing certain things, you are saved by God's grace, through faith.
HOWEVER, that does not mean all things are good for you. Many things can be harmful, and keep you away from living a good and happy life. Paul said, all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial (paraphrasing here). When you do things that you are conflicted about, ask yourself "how is this impacting my life? "How is this making me feel?" and "What are the long term effects?"

I used to enjoy watching a lot of horror movies when I was younger, and I realized they were just keeping me up at night and making me more fearful in general. So, now I don't really watch them anymore, because I know the long term negative impact they have on me. And I am glad I made that decision.

Things like sex outside of marriage, and lusting after girls will only hurt you in the end. I've been there, buddy. The wages of sin are death. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy romance and sex. God created marriage so we can enjoy sex like he intended us to.

Hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you'd like.