I want to write my story

So I have thought about making a post like this for a while now. I have been on this website for over 3 years and over 1000 posts. Yet I don't know if I ever took the time to write a long post about my porn addiction history. I don't know how long this post will be. But I guess I will keep writing until I have no more to write about.

I watched porn for the first time probably when I was 13. Maybe I was 12. Either way I immediately got hooked. At first it was just to lesbian porn. I didn't want to look at another man's penis. I loved looking at naked females. What young boy doesn't? So I would go to school, come how and look up porn. And masturbate to it. I don't know how often I did this but it was a lot. A few times I would get so aroused by what some girl would do in class that I would rush home. If only I knew how this would escalate. One day, maybe when I was 14 or 15 I was watching lesbian porn. While scrolling through the videos I found one that got me going hard. It was 2 blond lesbians. One was naked the other was in a green dress. But the naked one was her slave. She had a metal collar on and a leash. I think I identified with the slave girl while watching it. I wanted to be her in that moment.

Anyways that escalated into a journey down femdom. First I would watch humiliation video. The girls would just talk into the camera and disrespect the viewer. I watched these for years until they no longer were exciting. It evolved into all sorts of femdom content. Chastity was probably the biggest one that turned me on. I think it made it harder to quit because the fetish involves not being able to cum. So not cumming from NoFap actually became a turn on. You see the problem.

But I kind of devolved into almost all subcategories of femdom. The only one I couldn't really get into (and I tried) was cock and ball torture. The idea of pain scared me too much to be arousing.

Not sure why I went into so much detail about that. But it feels good sometimes to expose yourself and get things off your chest.

So around 2014 or so I realized I had a problem. So on my own I tried to quit. None of it worked. I would sometimes beat myself for not being able to succeed. Literally. But I never got more than a week. In 2017 I stated using this website to cure my addiction. I was able to get a streak of around 40 days that year. But then I would slip back down into long streaks of relapse. In 2018 I started going to therapy for this addiction. It has been useful to some degree. But I only was able to get 2 long streaks since then (long meaning at least 1 month). One in 2019 and one in 2020. I am 24 years old now.

I don't know why I struggle so much. Maybe I am scared to succeed. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. Perhaps I just can't figure out the real reason. But I relapsed earlier today and I thought, why not write my story. It is about time I think. So here I am. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Leave some advice if you can. To be honest, this is more for me than for you. But I feel like I need to post this. Thank you again and God bless.

 

Thank you friend. You should do the same. The only way to succeed is to do it!

 

It depends. All those things have caused relapse in the past. I often will make excuses like "just one more time". I also find it hard not to binge once I start.

 

I actually got into it recently. Haven't done it long enough to say whether or not it is working.

Yea the same thing happens too me. I think this is why it is so important to quit.

 

Thank you. I often feel the same way. Like, I just relapse with no real reason. I am glad I am not alone in that. Also I will take your advice to heart. Thank you

Thank you for the comment. I hope you find porn sobriety soon

 

Yea it is the only way